In a year...

Hello, there! I am not really sure if anyone IS there, but here goes...

I've been off of Facebook for over a year now! Well, just about. I made an exception to go on to promote a GoFundMe for my youngest sister but didn't actively use Facebook, so I still think it counts as a year! Here's some of what's happened over the last 12 months:

1. Reading. Lots and lots of books. My goal for 2017 is 33 books. I have been stuck on #22 for about 5 weeks now. Not loving it, but it is the final book in a trilogy so I feel committed.

2. Yoga and meditation. Not as much as I'd like, but more than I ever did previously. Still stupidly doing my "Restoring Fertility" dvd that I bought back on 2012 before we had our daughter. I like that it is gentle and goes along with where you are in your cycle...even though it hasn't restored my fertility. Boo. I bought a meditation cushion back in November and it is fantastic. I think it helps me get in the meditation mindset more than sitting on random pillows or cushions from around the house.

3. Learning calligraphy! I did calligraphy for one of my sister's weddings last December and treated myself to a 4-hour calligraphy class in January. The plan for the future is to have my own calligraphy business starting in 2018! My daughter will be in preschool starting this September and my daycare kiddo will be starting a new place sometime between October and February. I adore the little girl and her parents...she is actually the little sister of the baby I watched in 2015 who unexpectedly passed away 3 weeks after I finished doing daycare for her. I committed to watching her for a year (which would mean October) but have told her parents that I can be flexible so they can get their daughter into the place they like, which has a bit of a waiting list. Once my daughter is in preschool, though, calligraphy is the plan.

4. Sending lots of cards and letters. On my first anniversary off of Facebook I attended a letter writers meet-up downtown. In the spirit of practicing calligraphy I have been sending lots of mail to family and friends. And I've started collecting unused vintage postal stamps to make stamp collages on my outgoing mail. It is so much fun! After the meet-up I joined the Letter Writers Alliance and am looking forward to getting some pen pals! It has been a long time since I've had pen pals (since middle school?) and I think it will be a delight. If you would like to receive a card/letter/postcard from me, please e-mail me your snailmail address at birdmeetsbee at gmail dot com and I would love to send something your way! And if you respond in kind I will always write back.

5. We had another early pregnancy loss in February. Almost exactly a year after the last one. It was sad and horrible and a nightmare but I recovered so much better than I did in 2016. I think my meditation and yoga practices made a huge difference for both my mental and physical health this time.

6. We have given away most of our baby-3T clothes and are in the process of getting things ready to sell our bigger baby gear (swing, chairs, etc) on Craigslist next month. I think it is a mixture of forced acceptance and just wanting our space to have fewer reminders of what could have been. Our wonderful, precocious, thoughtful daughter is almost 4.5 years old and it is looking like she will remain an only. We've casually looked into adoption, but the cost makes it seem out of reach right now. And fostering would be too hard emotionally on our daughter. She, and let's be honest...I, would become too attached to kids who most likely wouldn't get to stay.

7. We just booked a weekend away for our 10th wedding anniversary in August! I have ordered 2 swimsuits for the occasion and am pretty thrilled not to be wearing my sister's 9th grade gym class Speedo from 2000. I know, shameful. I have the situation remedied now (as long as at least one of them fits!).

Uncharted

Last week I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I don't have a plan for a length of time. Maybe until summer ends? I deactivated it Friday before attending Taize prayer at my church. I figured the meditative prayer could be kind of like a mental/emotional reset. Facebook has become too much of a time sink for me and definitely a source of stress. I know it is my own reactions to things that make Facebook stressful, like feeling a twinge of jealousy and a whole lotta sadness with each pregnancy announcement that has popped up in the last few months. Lots of friends and acquaintances with kids much younger than my daughter are starting to announce the their second and third pregnancies and it is too much for my heart right now.

Friday I also picked up my brand new bike, a Bianchi Milano Dama. Look it up if you have time...it is pretty much the cutest bike I have ever seen! I'll be filling much of my time out riding and enjoying the outdoors. I'll also be starting a Zumba class in about a week. I am hoping the added exercise plus my new daily ritual of gratitude journaling (and the absence of Facebook!) will help me get my mental health back on track. If not, therapy is the next stop for me.

As I haven't really been updating this blog over the last several years, I am thinking it is time for it to come to a close. Things in life seem especially uncharted right now. I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom to an only child, but that is where I have found myself.

Thanks to all who stuck with me through infertility, pregnancy, new motherhood, and secondary infertility that I am still wading in. Wishing all of you happiness and love!

Update

After spotting and bleeding for 16 days, my body finally seemed to get back to "normal." I had a final blood draw yesterday and my hCG level was below 1, so the loss is over.  I can talk about it without crying but I am still sad. My grandma was the most helpful saying that there was most likely something wrong and the baby is luckier to be in heaven than to face serious medical hardships on earth. She also told me that it was nothing wrong that I did.

In trying to see the positives...

My body can get pregnant. There is a chance baby #2 will happen someday.

I channeled my sad energy into some house progress. Our daughter's room finally has all of the wallpaper glue removed, has one coat of primer up, and we have the paint colors chosen! The never ending room makeover should be complete before Easter!

I had two classes during my bleeding. They were both registered for before all of this happened and I was glad for the distraction. I am now re-certified in pediatric and child CPR/AED. And I now know how to make some simple fermented foods that will hopefully get all of our gut flora back to health! My daughter seems to be benefiting a little bit already, which is wonderful and makes me so happy!

Lent and a Prayer Request

Long time no blog! I am not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but I am putting it out there in cyberspace anyways.

For lent this year I gave up Facebook, which has been surprisingly good! I started a meditation program based on a book I got at the library and it seems to be helping things. My husband and I decided to take 6 months off from worrying about getting pregnant (well, 6 months for ME to stop worrying...he says he hasn't been worried) and the meditation had me feeling hopeful about the future. Then this month I started spotting 4 days before my expected period and by the day of my expected period it hadn't gotten much heavier so I took a pregnancy test and got a very, very light positive (or so I thought...it was VERY light). I immediately called my doctor and they scheduled me for a blood draw to check hcg and progesterone the next morning (that would have been last Tuesday). I cancelled the appointment after I started seeing bright red blood and got a negative on a digital test the morning of the appointment. I assumed I had imagined that light positive the day before. But as of yesterday I was still bleeding (day 7 of pretty heavy bleeding) so my doctor had me come in for an hcg test and a thyroid level test. The hcg results came in about 2 hours ago...my hcg level confirmed that I had (am having?) a miscarriage. I am going in tomorrow for a pelvic ultrasound to check for any physical issues that may have caused this and the continuing bleeding I am having and to recheck the hcg to make sure it is falling as fast as they want it to.

For 18 months we've been trying and now this. I feel so numb. I really don't think anything could have prevented this, but I am kicking myself for not going to my previous appointment last week. Any prayers would be so appreciated as I figure out what is going on and wait for the bleeding to stop.

This is life

I feel like I live in a constant state of worry. Lately there has been a hefty dose of sadness and grief as well.

The little girl I watched February-April passed away the Tuesday after Mother's Day. My daughter asks about her every day and I miss her as well. It has been difficult for me, and I feel so deeply for her parents, who are experiencing a grief that I cannot even begin to comprehend.

Earlier this month, my aunt passed away after almost a decade of suffering related to early onset Alzheimer's. She was 56.

Our daughter, who will be 2.5 years next month, has been having some possible vision problems recently. We are keeping an eye on things (no pun intended) and are thinking we may be treating amblyopia, aka lazy eye, down the road. Thankfully we are catching things extremely early and treatment, if needed, should be pretty minimal with a high chance success.

Last Thursday I found a lump in my left breast. Friday I was seen at my clinic and referred to the breast clinic for an ultrasound. Good news: The doctor doesn't think it is anything of concern. Bad news: Ultrasound determined that it is not fluid or fiber, but they don't know what it IS. I now have the choice of getting a biopsy to identify what it is or I can wait it out and see if it resolves on its own. I am waiting to hear back from my Ob/gyn about how she thinks I should proceed. Two of my sisters have had similar things that turned out to be nothing, so I am hopeful.

We have been hopeful about baby #2 for about a year now. No positive tests to speak of. My husband tries to console me by saying, "It took 2 years last time, it might just take time again," "We haven't REALLY tried EVERY month," and "I would be happy to have another baby, but we'll be okay if we have one child. We'll be GREAT." Secondary infertility is horrible, but not the same as primary. I have my daughter to distract me. I don't have time to obsess over every possible fertility or pregnancy symptom. Some days I feel at peace about having an only child. Some days I panic. I know we are so very lucky to have our daughter. Five, four, three years ago I would have cut off my arm to have just one. This time around it feels like giving up on a dream, but I know that my daughter is enough. Though, honestly, I do hope we get another surprise. She would be a fantastic, loving sister. We aren't planning on pursuing any treatment at this time. Down the road, I may consider laparoscopic surgery for my endometriosis, but that will be a decision for another day.

I have decided to stop dying my hair! After 11 years of coloring, I am growing out my natural color(s). I would guess I am maybe 25-30% gray, or silver as I prefer to call it. Right now my hair looks pretty awful, like someone poured acid on my head or something. I think it will look interesting and unique once it is grown out. Time will tell!

My husband and I recently downsized our wardrobes by a ton. We estimate that we donated approximately 65-70% of our clothing! And the strange thing is, we still have plenty to wear. And the awesome thing is, all of the things we wear now are our favorite things! We still have more work to do in building the wardrobes of our dreams, but we are well on our way. For me I think that means a classic, timeless wardrobe that channels Audrey Hepburn. I've been looking into a capsule wardrobe method, like Project 333 but haven't seriously started creating "capsules."

Recent books I've enjoyed:

Everything That Remains: A Memoir by the Minimalists by Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus

Consuming Kids: The Hostile Takeover of Childhood by Susan Linn

I am currently reading:

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo

Waiting on my nightstand:

One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One by Lauren Sandler

Huck's Raft: A History of American Childhood by Steven Mintz

Divergent by Veronica Roth (Have you seen this movie?! I was in suspense almost the entire time and the teenage-esque romance story had my husband and I giggling uncontrollably at times. It was a fun one!)

For now, this is life.

Almost spring...

It is almost spring! I haven't posted in ages and a lot has happened:

• We closed on our house and moved! We've been here for almost 4 months already and we love it so far! The house is great, the neighbors are great, my husband's commute is...not as great as we expected because...
• He started a new job in January! One that allows him to be home by 6:30pm almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. It is fantastic! Much, much better than his old job that kept him in the office until 10pm...midnight...2am...even 6am on occasion! The only downside is that it is about 7 miles from our house (instead of like a mile).
• We have hosted 3 big parties here: A baby shower for a friend in December, F's birthday party in January, and a baby shower for one of my sisters in February. We are known as the "party house" in the neighborhood. It cracks me up every time a new neighbor tells us that!
• I have been caring for a 4-month-old baby girl during the day. It is a temporary job (her regular care place will have space for her in April. I am sort of bummed! We'll miss her!). I thought having her here would tame my baby fever. No luck. We feel ready for another.
• I am taking my cocktail of vitamins again, listening to my Circle + Bloom, still eating gluten- free (that is a forever change thanks to the huge stomach issues I have when I consume anything with gluten), drinking lemon water first thing every morning, but need to get back on track with the rest of my endometriosis diet. I only drink coffee on weekends, only drink alcohol rarely (and limit myself to one gluten-free beer or one glass of wine when I do), but I am trying to gain 10 pounds again and have been eating ice cream and chocolate with reckless abandon (NOT good for endometriosis!). Despite all of the things I am doing to help boost my fertility, no luck yet. Looks like it will be another struggle, which I was expecting.
• F turned 2 in January (2!!) and last night was the first night she didn't co-sleep. 2 years + 2 months of not having our bed to ourselves came to an end with very little fanfare. She loves her big girl bed and her new room! It is bittersweet, but maybe that will help with the creation of a sibling for her (it is not so delightful to have to find other locations for THAT every time. Haha! Now we have our bed again, hurrah!). And, for any co-sleeping haters, they really don't stay in your bed forever (Thank God!).
• I am attending a class at the library tonight about establishing a career as an artist. We shall see if it inspires me to finally work on my own art again and maybe do something with it!

Other things forthcoming:

• Potty training
• Music class with toddlers
• Toddler art groups
• Cloth diapering on the cheap (our diaper service ends next week and I'll be cloth diapering as F goes through potty training, but I don't want to invest a ton...in case we never have another)<--I hate thinking that way, but with infertility there are so many unknowns. So, so hard to stay positive!
• Exploring minimalism
• and (hopefully) much more! 

P.S. So excited to see some of your updates...some babies on the way, some recently born. And also praying for many of you who are still waiting and some who have had losses in the last 5 months while I've been on hiatus. 

Ready to move on...

Things I will NOT miss about our apartment:

• shared laundry (other people's detergent smells and dryer lint, waiting to start a load because others are washing/drying, having to get dressed and put shoes on myself and my kid just to do laundry!)
• neighbors who move furniture or play loud music/video games late, late at night
• neighbors who smoke cigarettes and pot (wish I was joking, but no) under our windows and in their bathrooms (which share vents with our bathrooms)
• keeping our stroller and dining room table in the living room
• lack of a yard or other safe outdoor space to play

In addition to these things, we had a mouse (A MOUSE!) in our apartment last week. We saw the little fellow (or lady, not sure) hanging out by our shoes when we stayed up late Tuesday night to watch the Lego Movie. We set traps the next evening and by Thursday, the little fellow (lady?) was trapped under the sink. Unfortunately this was after he/she made little messes in our silverware drawer (oh, so, so gross!), linen drawer (buh-bye towels and washcloths!), and spice drawer (so sad!). I spent Friday and Saturday cleaning up and disinfecting everything with bleach and/or boiling it in water for 10+ minutes. Then spent Sunday-present day convinced that now I have the hantavirus. To make matters worse, I was running a temperature of 102.7 Wednesday afternoon and am still recovering. My husband is under strict orders to bring me to the ER if I start having difficulty breathing within the next 5 weeks. I hope it is just a nasty cold or sinus infection that will resolve itself. I haven't known throat and ear pain like this since I had strep my first year teaching! No fun.

Anyhow, we are so ready to MOVE! Come on November 10! I will take shoveling and yard work and home repairs over those bullet points any day! (Hopefully no mice, though).

When one door closes...

When one door closes, another opens! I feel like that is a pretty perfect description of how life has been going since I resigned from my job in July. Nothing has actually earned me any money yet, but since quitting:

• Two families from my school have contacted me about doing freelance work for them (in the form of doing art projects with their kids for specific locations in their homes). Whoa. To say it made me feel like a million bucks that they like me enough to privately contact me and ask me to continue working with their kids would be an understatement. It made my heart so happy! The conversations ended with, "We'll be in touch," since I was honest with them about our impending move.
• We bought a house! Well, closing isn't until Nov 10, but all has been moving along smoothly! It met all of our criteria (and then some) except for the fact that we ended up paying more for it than we had planned. We are okay with that decision, though, because: 
• the house is 1.8 miles from my husband's office
• there are three 2-year-olds (and a handful of older kids) in the neighborhood
• the house backs up to a nature park reserve with walking trails, a lake, and beautiful woods
• it has 2 garages...an attached one-car garage and a second garage behind the attached one that is SET UP AS A WORKSHOP/STUDIO! Oh. my. gosh. Considering we live in Minnesota and it gets cold as heck here (and it is an unheated space) we know it won't be used for a good chunk of the year, BUT...it will be perfect for the toddler art group I want to start in the spring/summer and will be a great space for holding private art lessons, should things move in that direction!
• there are 3 great schools within walking distance that (maybe, someday?) could be the key to getting me back in an art classroom
• there is a public library within biking distance
• A co-worker of my husband's needs temporary childcare in February and March. It is not a for sure thing that she'll choose me to watch her babe, but there is a good chance since we will be so close to the office (1.8 miles, yo!). They have a 2 month gap between the end of her maternity leave and the opening in their daycare. So, I might have a 3-month-old baby to snuggle for a couple of months and make a little money in the process.
• A local art-teacher-turned-sort-of-stay-at-home-mom (triplet boys after endometriosis/infertility! wow!) opened a family art center in our current area. My daughter and I attended the grand opening and she asked for my contact info for when she makes a sub list in the next couple of weeks! 

Now we just need to make it through the move so I can feel like there has been some real CHANGE for our family. I am feeling hopeful that great things are to come! 

See you in September...

Here we are in September already! I made my resignation "facebook official" last Tuesday, which was the first day of school for kids in my state. I was pretty nervous about it because I am friends with a ton of teachers, many of whom are working parents (mostly working MOMS, specifically) and I felt like I was letting them down somehow. I will come right out and say it, though, I SUCKED at balancing work, parenting, being a wife...last year is not something I ever wish to relive! Things are better for our little family this way for now. Maybe if my husband's job wasn't so nuts, things would have been different. And I do hope to someday be back teaching art! For now I am so, so thankful to be able to stay home! This Labor Day was the first in 7 years that I didn't cry! We ended the day with a family walk and I did get teary thinking of how lucky I am that we can swing it financially (with some modifications, but nothing that feels like a terrible sacrifice), but I didn't cry.

We are actively house hunting and made an offer on a beautiful house last Friday. It was perfect. Just perfect! Unfortunately, the next morning the nephew of the sellers came forward that he wanted to buy the home. Considering that the house was built in 1954 and has only had 2 owners, we can understand how the couple selling felt better about keeping it in the family. What timing, though?! It had been on the market for 2 months and he didn't come forward until after we made the offer. My husband and I both still feel pretty down about it. Back to square one! We are afraid that this will make the search more difficult...every house will be compared to this one from here on out. It was the perfect size, layout, distance from my husband's office (4.7 miles...he could have BIKED there in less time than it takes him to drive from our current residence!), and had just the right sized yard (big enough to play/party in, small enough to mow with a reel mower). I already knew where I would put the Christmas tree and I envisioned our daughter learning to jump rope on that concrete driveway. There is a highly rated public elementary school .7 miles away, 3 parks within biking/walking distance, and a library less than 2 miles away. Ack! Still feeling the sting here!

Thankfully we were able to extend our apartment lease through the end of November (we'd be moving in 3 weeks otherwise!). It still doesn't leave us much time to find a house, though. While we look, I will continue to go through all of our belongings. Our goal for this move is to only take things we truly want. Over the last 3 months we have donated 22 grocery bags of stuff to a local thrift store as well as recycled or tossed many other items. Our goal for "someday" is to be able to fit all of our belongings in a car (save for large furniture, obviously). It will be an interesting journey!

The crazy is starting again...

Back in the days of my naivete I thought we would easily have babies (HA HA!!) and we would have them precisely 2.5 years apart (HA HAHAHAHA!). Well, that means getting pregnant in October, which I am not counting on happening. My heart wants it to, but my brain knows that there is about a 0% chance of that happening. We are still in a "not trying, not preventing" phase but the infertile crazies are already creeping in. For example, here's my first TMI in some number of months...I have been having pink spotting and am on day 9 of my cycle. That is not a good sign! Could be my endometriosis or my tendency to have low progesterone. Neither of those are very encouraging things when one is trying to conceive. 

Now, I know with all my heart that I am dam lucky to have my healthy 18-month-old. Our family could be complete. There is this nagging feeling though...I grew up as one of six and my husband was one of four. We both loved having siblings! I want Felicia to have one or two of her own. That would be so, so amazing. 

So, in wanting this I have started to stir up a lot of my old worries. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I get pregnant and miscarry (I am at greater risk of that due to my endometriosis and low progesterone)? What if, what if, what if...

I don't want to go down this road again. At least I have some tools in my pocket already. Prayers, yoga, Circle + Bloom, vitamins specific to helping my conditions, a good diet (although I think I need to give up coffee and wine again). I know that if we are lucky again I should get my progesterone level tested right away so I can supplement if needed. All of this SHOULD be of comfort, but I am becoming a ball of stress. Yes, I am back to googling things, too. I need to stop! 

My focus right now should be on getting my home purged of unnecessary things for our impending move, finding a house to move to, improving my marriage (thank God, it is getting better everyday!), and soaking up cuddles and laughs with my girl. 

I am so scared of secondary infertility and miscarriage, though. So scared.

Done and done!

My goal was to wrap up curriculum mapping for school by the end of July...well I ALMOST made it! I finished typing my updates last night at 12:34am! Thirty-four minutes late, but who cares?! I am DONE with all of my job-related tasks! Specialist schedule planning for next year completed, resignation sent, classroom cleaned out of personal things, maps done! I guess I am finally officially unemployed!

Next on my "to do" is obviously to figure out where we will be living as of 12pm, September 30 since that is when we have to turn in our apartment keys and be out of here! We sent in our notice to vacate yesterday, so there is no turning back! Right now, my husband is optimistic about finding a house in time. Me, not so much. I am freaking out! When he got home from work around 12:30am (I was still up, thanks to the mapping!) we had a glass of wine together and talked for about an hour before turning in for the night. He said, "We will not be homeless. Don't worry about that. Worst case scenario is moving into another apartment closer to my office under a 6-month lease." I think I can deal with that, even though I really thought a house was going to be our next stop. I am even willing to move into a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom place to save on money leading up to the house move. Plus, downsizing from our 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom place seems like a great way to de-clutter! I know what you are thinking...1 bedroom with an 18-month-old?! We are still co-sleeping at night. Her room is solely used for afternoon nap, her clothing storage, and her diaper pail/diapers. We could do without for a while, I think.

In less stressful news...tomorrow night my in-laws are watching the babe while we celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary a bit early at the PAUL MCCARTNEY concert! I am so, so excited! I have loved Paul (and the Beatles, and Wings!) since about 7th grade. My 13-year-old self practically hyperventilates every time I think about it! My best friend and I shared a locker in middle school and we had the Beatles plastered on the inside while all the other girls had Backstreet Boys and the likes in their lockers. It will be a much needed dose of fun with my husband! The last concert we went to was Muse in 2010! Did I ever tell you that music was something my husband and I bonded over in high school? He was in a band (swoon!) and we shared a lot of common music favorites. Over the years, we also introduced each other to lots of new-to-the-other stuff. So fun!

Balance between keeping house and parenting + moving

As I have mentioned, things really fell apart while I was teaching last year. My husband rarely got home before Felicia and I went to bed Monday-Friday. I was essentially a single mother after picking up the babe from childcare. I got way, way behind on housework. Mounds of laundry, a constantly messy kitchen, neglected bathrooms...not a pretty sight!

Yesterday I decided to use Felicia's nap time to deep clean one of our bathrooms. It was long overdue. I cleaned the drain in the tub (how the heck did all that hair get in there? GROSS!) and cleaned the sink drain, too, which is now good as new. Did some purging of empty shampoo bottles, products that I no longer use, and random things that somehow accumulated under the sink. I cleaned the toilet and bleached the tub and sink. It is a delightful room now. I am tempted to take an epsom salt bath when I get the chance!

The trade-off of using nap time that way was that I didn't get to start dinner until Felicia had woken. She was not a happy camper while I was trying to cook, as she wanted 100% of my attention. I need to figure this out. Now that I am home I would like a clean home! I would have liked it before, but things had to be sacrificed in the name of survival. I am already finding that being home has many benefits (I can run laundry during the day, I can empty the dishwasher before 5:30pm, etc) but it is also frustrating that all of these projects are constantly in my face and I don't feel like I can get things done while Felicia is awake. I am in the process of trying to nail down a cleaning schedule that will work for me. But...

OUR HOUSING SITUATION IS STILL UP IN THE AIR. Some things that I know would make life easier have to wait for now and may have to for the foreseeable future. Like childproofing the kitchen cabinets and getting room darkening shades for bedroom windows (Felicia has a lot of trouble sleeping at night now that it is so bright out, but we don't want to invest in shades that might be useless after our move). Why do it here when we are moving at the end of September? It does drive me crazy that it takes approximately 1.2 seconds for the girl to completely empty all of the pots and pans while I am, say, checking on the quinoa that is cooking for dinner.

Speaking of moving in like 2 months...we don't currently have anywhere to go! Here is our situation:

• We know we want to live near my husband's job
• We haven't really gotten any house hunting done, due to my husband's job and the fact that...
• We thought we'd have a family-owned rental house (my husband's parents own it and the renters [who are also family] hadn't paid rent in several YEARS until now, after they were told they had to leave July 1st...then they started paying and are staying put) to move into during house hunting but it recently fell through and...
• We only have one working car that my husband takes every frickin' day to work unless Felicia and I drive him (which gives us over 3 hours of wasted time on the road just to drop him off/pick him up...very frustrating to spend 3 useless hours in the car just so I can pick up groceries during the day)
• We have a second car that needs repairs but we know we only want it as long as we live this far from my husband's job (he will bike once we live close enough, leaving me with a car, THANK GOD!)

Right now our options seems to be:

1. Try to rush and find a house before the end of September, risking buying something we aren't really happy with but then living near his work and being able to just have one car and getting our home actually set up permanently.

2. Moving in to my husband's parents' basement, still requiring 2 cars since this is even further from my husband's office, but then not being locked into anther rental lease somewhere while we try to buy a house near his office. I don't really like this option!

3. Renting somewhere near my husband's office, month-to-month if possible, requiring only one car, and house hunting like it is going out of style so we can set up a permanent residence. 

My husband is not worried at all about this. I am like...how the heck am I supposed to make things work being home when we don't even have a home in 2 months?! I never imagined being in an apartment at age thirty (and likely thirty-one...). The problem right now isn't money...it is still TIME that is the issue. You would think that by now I know life doesn't go as planned. Ay yi yi...

Making it work for us

2 posts in 2 days?! What the what?!

I am going to try to document a little bit about the good (and maybe not-so-good) things as I learn to navigate being home full-time.

What is making it work for us right now:

1. I prep or start dinner during the babe's nap. She takes one nap nowadays (I know I am LUCKY!). Sometimes long (almost 3 hours yesterday!) sometimes short (35 minutes one day last week). Even if it is pretty short, I seem to have time to at least chop veggies/lay out ingredients for dinner. Right now, I have these sizzling on the stove:

Vegetarian Lettuce Wraps from The Pioneer Woman Cooks

We don't eat much tofu these days, but these are SO good and SO easy! I use coconut oil for cooking the tofu, add 2 cups cooked brown rice, a clove or 2 of minced garlic, and chopped green onion to ours, too. We use gluten free soy sauce to keep them friendly for my gf diet (which is going strong, although I have fallen off the endo diet...I love me some chocolate and red wine!). 

If my husband was home in time to entertain our daughter while I did dinner prep, I probably wouldn't spend her nap this way. But, it is what it is! He still gets home about 2 hours after Felicia and I eat (which is creeping up on Felicia's bed time). Cooking with a very "helpful" 18-month-old can be a challenge. So for now, this is the easiest way for me to get good, whole foods on the table for all three of us. 

2. We go to the park everyday before lunch as long as it is not raining or too hot (today was a too hot day so we've been a bit cooped up). Round trip, it is about an hour of walking/playing. It gets us out of our little 2 bedroom apartment and gets me some much needed exercise. Soon I'll have a running stroller, thanks to my sister who no longer needs the one she used with her kiddos. 

3. I try to read for at least 30 minutes a day after Felicia is down for the night. I just finished this one:

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Which I really enjoyed! I highly recommend it for anyone who wants or has kids.

I just started this one last night:

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I am in a book club with 4 girlfriends and this is the book we'll be meeting about in August. It seems a little fluffy so far, but I think it will be fun.

We took the plunge...

I sent my resignation to my new principal almost 2 weeks ago. My last official day of availability is this Wednesday, but I turned in my keys and school laptop this morning. I was glad that many of my co-workers happened to be at school today so I got to do some real farewells. I am excited for more time with my family, but also terrified about being unemployed. I have had a steady job for the last 14 years! Almost half of my 30 years! And, let's be honest...I will miss my co-workers, students, the excitement of the hustle and bustle of classes. And I already miss my lunch breaks, even though they were usually only 25 minutes long! Ha!

Things I have noticed about being home full-time so far (that I don't want to forget as I settle in to this "stay at home" thing):

1. I never get as much done as I hope. The world doesn't end, though, if that load of laundry doesn't get put away today.

2. I enjoy cooking REAL food! During school my cooking had to be quick things...now I actually have enough time home before dinner to, like, make baked potatoes in the oven instead of the microwave and use fresh squeezed lemon juice in recipes instead of the bottled stuff. We have been eating so much better in the last few weeks!

3. It is amazing to spend all day with my kid. She is (mostly) a real joy to be around.

4. I have gotten more reading done in the last few weeks than I had January-June. Not because I have time during the day, but because I let myself have some time at night (instead of freaking out about getting everything ready for daycare, or fretting about lesson plans).

5. My husband and I have been fighting less. We have some damage control to take care of. Things got pretty bad after I returned to work in August, especially starting in January. Too much stress, not enough time together. Work was eating both of us. We were really suffering as a couple. Right now, the reduced income for our family seems a small price to pay for getting our marriage back on track.

6. I am tired at the end of the day, but not downright exhausted and beat. I am not tired to the point of tears.

Although my school keys and computer are returned, I still have a bit of work to do on my curriculum maps for the new teacher. I want things to be really easy for her/him. I want the art program to continue being successful. So, that is going to be looming large until I finish. My goal is before August 1, which is when the curriculum software archives for the new school year.

For now, I will leave you with a picture of the girl who gets all my time these days :)

Summer!

Oh, thank goodness for summer!

My last day of school was June 6 and I finished cleaning out my classroom Saturday, June 14 (there was lots of work to be done on next school year's master schedule and since I am the Specialist team lead, I got to do over 20 hours of that during my first week "off" while also caring for the babe since we don't have childcare anymore, hence the delay in cleaning out that darn art room!). I have yet to resign, but things are looking like they are headed that way. With my position being .8 and us moving to be closer to my husband's job, the commute time/gas for the car along with increased childcare costs next year make it really not worth it financially. We haven't found a house, but we are moving out of this apartment at the end of September no matter what! More on that later...

Not much is new around here. The babe is adjusting to having me home with her all day. Naps have been hit or miss, but we have been making lots of art most days and playing at the park/in the pool any non-rainy day. I am back to cooking healthier meals again, which has all of us feeling a little happier. We are officially "not trying, not preventing" which feels weird since we have never really been there before nor is is truly possible to be "not trying, not preventing" when we are still aware of my cycles using NFP. We haven't used any fertile times yet, but I am hopeful that it will take less than 2 years to conceive again. In a perfect world, I would get a positive test in October and have baby #2 born 2.5 years after Felicia. Not likely, though, given our history.

Hoping for more time to catch up with all of you soon. I am trying to keep the momentum from cleaning out my classroom going to make progress on our home. Things really fell apart here last school year...we are so disorganized! I am back to getting rid of one thing (or more) a day in hopes of making things feel less chaotic and to make more of our time together at home available for fun instead of the drudgery of cleaning all the time! Less stuff = less to wash/put away/keep organized, right?! Here's hoping!

Art supplies for little ones

Since my income will either be going down 20% or 100% as of July, I have started making a list of some art supplies that I know I want to have around for Felicia. So far she has used crayons, markers, oil pastels, and stickers that I had on hand from my personal art stash. I picked up some Crayola fingerpaints and large paper from Target a while ago to give us something fun to do between dinner and bath time and she has used them 3 times in the last week or so. She received Play-Doh from a friend at Christmas and has tried it twice (I say "try" because she mostly tried to eat it!).

Without further ado, here is what I plan to add over the next several months:

Liquid watercolors

Watercolor brushes (I bought these for my classroom 6 years ago and they have held up beautifully in the hands of literally hundreds of young artists! I have seen an assorted 5 pack at Michael's before...I will NOT being buying the classroom caddy for one kiddo!)

Tempera paint

No-spill paint cups

Easy Grip brushes

Chubby brushes

Paint sticks (I have never used these but have read that they are great for little ones!)

And of course paper, which I will probably pick up with 40% off coupons at Michaels or Blick. Essential paper will be: drawing paper (eventually 80 lb), watercolor paper, and construction paper (in my classroom I only use Pacon Tru-Ray construction paper...it is lovely!)

My mom gave us a heavy duty, old school, kid-sized artists easel that will be perfect for clamping paper to once Felicia is old enough/tall enough to paint at it.

That is my list so far! What are your favorite art materials for yourself? For little ones?

Spring! Spring?

We've had some lovely weather these last few days...almost 60 degrees! Yesterday we met a friend for brunch at a restaurant with patio seating...it was AMAZING! Felicia was happy as a clam sitting on our laps the entire leisurely meal and then she had a blast walking around outside. It was her first time outside like that since she has started walking! While the guys took care of the check, I walked down the sidewalk with her and she was laughing so hard! She is an outdoor girl, for sure!

School has been okay despite the lingering stress in the air. I have been doing some really stunning projects with the kids - things I've wanted to try over the last 6 years but was too afraid to. Now I figure, what is there to lose? So far, they have been successes with all grades. I decided I'm going to try to keep this momentum going through June so that if (when?) I don't return, I will have gone out with a bang!

Tonight my husband is working late again. Felicia was in a bit of a mood, so we walked to get the mail and then walked the halls of the building. We ended up walking to the laundry room where she proceeded to yell, "Mama! Mama! Mamaaaaaaaaaa!" and "Puppy! Puppy! PUPPYYYYYY!" into an empty dryer. It will be nice when the outdoors are a little better for playing. We have giant, dirty ice piles and mud puddles everywhere outside right now. So, for the time being, yelling into dryers for fun with have to suffice. The weathermen are saying snow late tonight and through the morning commute...hopefully an early April Fools' joke!

The dark side of spring break

Okay, maybe that is a little dramatic, but we've had some struggles since I had that glorious week off earlier this month. The babe isn't sleeping well, which could be more teething (we try to blame EVERYTHING on teething, though...red cheeks? teething. slight fever? teething. wants to nurse a lot all of the sudden? teething. fussy? teething. weird, messy diapers? teething. biting things/people? teething. won't eat her favorite foods? teething...you get it...the list goes on) but I think it is trouble adjusting to me being back at work. She also now wakes in the morning screaming (truly SCREAMING, with tears shooting out of her eyes), "MAMAMAMAMAMAMA!" Usually I am just about out the door when she wakes, but I get her dressed and put her hair up for the day, anyways, so I get a little time to play and sing with her, even if it means I walk into my classroom later than I should. Note: I've never been late for a class. I have always been there at least 35 minutes before my first class starts, but I have been "late" by a few minutes by what the spoken contract time is this year.

Yesterday, she pulled a Sleeping Beauty on us and slept in way past when I needed to leave (probably because she slept so terribly during the night) so I didn't get any awake time with her and I didn't get to say goodbye. At around noon, my sister (who watches the babe 4 days a week) send me this text:

Felicia is missing you something fierce today--she keeps looking out the window for your car and saying mama

Ugh. Cue tears and tight chest on my lunch break. You'd think it would get easier after 7 months, but it really hasn't! Here's one big point in the "pros of staying home" column.

Do any of you other working moms kind of hate that you are faced with the choice of staying home vs. working? I guess I should ask SAHMs, too, because you had to make the choice to stay home at some point, too. Most (married) women didn't even have to consider it 70 years ago. I get the whole "women's rights...blah, blah, blah" standpoint...girl power and all that...but balancing work and family is so, so hard. Sometimes I just wish it was the norm for me to be home so I wouldn't have to make the choice. But, some weird part of me feels like I am letting down my teacher friends if I quit. Especially my mentor teachers from student teaching (who I am totally facebook friends with). I am admitting defeat or saying teaching isn't important. The ONLY time I can recall my Mom saying she was proud of me (IN MY WHOLE LIFE) was the one time she visited my school with me and Felicia when I was on leave and she saw all of my co-workers and students so excited and respectful when they saw me. Then I read this paragraph and think, "Are you 15-years-old? WHO THE HECK CARES WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS?" Sorry, I have a one track mind right now and it is the stay at home or work topic. Sorry for boring/annoying all of you. Ugh. Off to finish getting ready for work now...

74 Days and .8

The meeting with my principal went as well as it could have. She was very respectful and sympathetic about the way the changes in the school will be affecting teachers and staff (at least I thought so). My position will be .8 next year. Time will tell what exactly that means. I told her that I would rather work 4 days, with Wednesdays off, than work 5 partial days (why would I want to commute and put the babe in childcare 5 days when I am only working/paid for 4, you know?).

Work agreements should come out in the next few weeks, likely before Easter, and that is when I will need to make the final decision. Music will also be .8 next year and Library .6 (from .8 the last 5 years), which makes me sad for my friends.They want and need that .2!

On a cheerier note, I just counted how many days until the end of the school year. I counted weekends and days off (we get Good Friday and Easter Monday off! Woohoo! Plus, of course, Memorial Day) as well as days of school and the count is 74 days! And because I am 13-years-old, I wrote the number of how many days left in the bottom corner of each calendar spot on our family calendar at home. Ain't nobody got time to recount when I need a little happiness! So, 74 days until summer vacation!

Should I stay or should I go? (Oh, and happy SPRING!)

Several (all?) teachers got an e-mail yesterday about setting up a meeting with our principal to discuss our positions for next year. How they might change/what additional duties we may need to take on to stay full-time or even almost full-time. This happens to me every spring...the sun is up longer, my classroom is brighter, everyone (students and coworkers) are all cheerier than they've been in months! This is a great time of year to be a teacher! I've gone from feeling pretty sure about making some big changes next year to second guessing myself. Darn sun. Darn spring weather! Darn happy, funny, creative kids! I guess I should use the meeting as an opportunity for ME to figure things out as much as for my principal to figure things out. I do not envy her right now. What a hard job, to have to decide who stays, who goes, who gets cut to part-time and no longer has health insurance...she is not in a fun position right now.