What I did differently

I know there was a lot of luck involved in us getting pregnant in April. There was also a lot of prayer (I truly believe my Grandma had something to do with it! When we told her we were pregnant she said, "There's only one baby in there? With how hard I've been praying I was expecting at least two!").

In addition to luck and prayers, I made some pretty big changes to my diet and daily habits in the 3-4 months prior to Ponyo. I made the changes because I wanted to feel like I was doing something to increase our chances of success even though my husband and I had both resigned ourselves to the fact that nothing would be possible until after my laparoscopy. I am by no means a medical expert, and I don't claim to be, but here are the changes I made based on what a friend dealing with infertility told me, lots of research online, and reading these books:

The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies by Randine Lewis  

Recipes for the Endometriosis Diet by Carolyn Levett 

Endometriosis: A Key to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition by Dian Shepperson Mills & Michael Vernon

The 9-Day Liver Detox Diet by Patrick Holford and Fiona McDonald Joyce

First, what my friend told me: She and her husband were seeing a specialist who was trained in NFP. Their doctor told them that over 30% of couples struggling with infertility conceive after 3 months of taking this combination of vitamins:

Vitamin C (1000 mg)
Calcium made with D3 (500mg)
D3 (2000 I.U.)
Magnesium (250 mg)
Stress B-Complex
Zinc (30 mg)
(My friend also took Flaxseed oil, which I skipped due to the warning about blood clotting and surgery risks)

I did some research and found that endometriosis and low progesterone can be linked to deficiencies in some of these vitamins (especially Magnesium). PCOS is also affected by these vitamins! I picked up the vitamins and the nice pharmacist at the grocery store even gave me a pill case to use so I wouldn't have to open 6 bottles every night when I took my many pills with dinner. I also gave my husband the same Vitamin C and D3 that I was taking as well as a normal multivitamin. Maybe it was a coincidence, but both my friend and I are now pregnant (due about 3 weeks apart) after both of us trying for about 2 years, which seems too weird.

I did some simple liver detox. In The Infertility Cure, I read that endometriosis can be caused by "stagnation of the liver." Sounds awesome, right? So I decided to read The 9-Day Liver Detox Diet. The detox book listed 5 habits to break:
1. Wheat
2. Milk
3. Caffeine
4. Alcohol
5. Bad fats

Interestingly, ALL FIVE of these things are to be avoided by women dealing with endometriosis (as mentioned in Recipes for the Endometriosis Diet and Endometriosis: A Key to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition). So, I got super serious about going gluten free. No more cookies. No more sandwiches, or Triscuits (my fave snack!), or pita bread, or traditional pasta. I cut back on dairy. No more Kefir, limited cheese, limited yogurt, limited ice cream. I stopped drinking coffee, tea and alcohol. Once you cut out all of that, you pretty much cut out all bad fats, too, so that was taken care of!

I started drinking lemon water every morning. I started eating at least one serving of broccoli, spinach, or kale every day (these green veggies are good for you and also are known to help your body get rid of excess estrogens). 

To help rid my body of even more excess estrogen (excess estrogen is what causes endometriosis) I started using natural body products. I gave up scented soaps and used Kirk's Castile which is a coconut and vegetable glycerin soap. I started making my own deodorant out of coconut oil, baking soda, and arrowroot powder (I do still use normal deodorant for working out or very hot days even though the coconut deodorant works really well). I am still using my normal make-up and shampoo/conditioner although I am thinking of moving to healthier brands after I use everything I already have.

Because this post is getting so long, I'll do another where I'll write about the results I noticed after the changes.

The hurt doesn't end

Yesterday The Bee and I attended a birthday party for a friend's 2-year-old twins. We love the family and my BFF and her husband are close to them, too. The three of us girls have known each other since 6th grade and our now husbands have become friends through our close relationships. Part way through the party our friend (with the twins and also a 3-year-old) approached the four of us and said,


"I wanted to share something with you. There is this place that is NFP based and they can help you, you know, since you can't do In Vitro or anything. I can't remember what it is called, though. Hold on, let me ask K."


K is her father-in-law. So she drags him over to where we are sitting and he starts talking about NaPro Technology and how they find out "what is wrong with you" and help you "without unnatural intervention." So here are the four of us getting fertility advice from our friend's father-in-law in the middle of a birthday party. We told this friend about some of our struggle IN CONFIDENCE. All she knows is that we have been trying to conceive since August 2010 and that things haven't gone as planned. She doesn't know anything about us seeing specialists, or my MRI, blood tests, ultrasounds, endometriosis diagnosis, the surgery I was supposed to be having at the end of this week...


It felt like a huge breach of trust. After he finished talking to us (and to his credit, I believe he was trying to be considerate and helpful...he doesn't know that our friend shouldn't have shared info about what we are going through) my friend started up again talking about how bad most fertility treatments are and how Catholic people can't do IVF. I sat there with my lips mostly zipped. This friend knows that our niece and nephew were IVF encouraged. Also, she has no idea what it is like to struggle with infertility. She got pregnant with her 3-year-old within 4 months of starting to try and then got pregnant with twin girls BY SURPRISE less than a year after their first daughter was born. To say I was steamed by her comments is an understatement. All I really added to the conversation was that, yes, I already know about NaPro Technology because one of my cousins worked with Thomas W. Hilgers (the doctor who is kind of the head of NaPro Technology) in Nebraska when she was finishing her residency while becoming a doctor.


I am still hoping and praying for good news on Wednesday. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I won't be sharing our (hopefully) good news with this friend until the beginning of our second trimester.

Ugh

7.5 teaching days left to go. The kids are crazy. I am tired. I am so grateful to have the summer off this year!

This morning was rough. I woke up feeling off. I tried to eat but I ended up throwing up 3 times before I left for school. I wasn't sure if I should call in sick or not. I decided to tough it out. I am surprised at how much I seem to suck at pregnancy. I am not complaining about any of my symptoms; I know I am extremely lucky. I kept my cool the first 2 times I threw up this morning. But when I was sick for the third time and had tears streaming down my face I realized that getting pregnant wasn't easy for us and it seems that being pregnant isn't going to be the smoothest, either. I hope that our appointment (a week from tomorrow) will make me feel more confident about everything. Throwing up won't seem as bad after I get to see a healthy, growing baby.

I always thought I'd eat such a healthy diet while pregnant. I am not eating horribly but I am sure I am not getting enough protein or fat right now. I can't stand beans, avocados, or my gluten free bread. I have mostly been living off of apples, oranges, frozen blueberries, ginger ale, vegetable soup, and potatoes (of the mashed and baked varieties). I feel guilty about this. I try to eat the way I was 4 weeks ago but now I find myself gagging on most of my favorite foods. And here's something that my husband finds hilarious...I want steak and hamburgers. I don't think I have ever eaten steak in my life and I probably haven't had a hamburger since I was 4 but I can't stop thinking about them! I don't know that I'd actually be able to eat meat if I had it in front of me, but it smells amazing (so many people in the neighborhood were grilling last weekend, oh my goodness!) and when I try to think of something to eat those are the first things that pop in my head. We never even have that kind of food around. The only meat my husband ever makes at home is chicken.

Thank you for letting me vent. I am still thankful. I still know that I am blessed and lucky. Tomorrow will be better.

NIAW

Today I finally felt like I could write our ttc history in one chronological list! It is up there under the tab "Our Journey So Far." I am amazed at how often I think about our infertility despite not having had an appointment since January. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) I feel like my infertility is the biggest part of me.

I look forward to reading all of the posts written for National Infertility Awareness Week, which starts today! I am truly grateful for all of the honest and wise words so many of you write on your blogs each day!

In the meantime...

AF arrived April 7 (which made my last cycle 28 days long!). I should only have my period twice more before my surgery! Until then I am just biding my time and trying to enjoy the spring. I am not a very patient person, however, so I am doing some things to help me feel like I am not just being passive and wasting time. Here are some of the things that are helping me survive until June!

01. I got a new matching set from Victoria's Secret. Super fancy and girly compared to what I normally wear. That is NOT me in the picture, just so you know! Hahaha! The Bee believes that everyone is in a better mood when they wear matching sets of things and it is still working for me! If you are feeling down, maybe it is time for a new bra and underwear set :) I don't mean to belittle anyone's sorrow by saying new underpants will erase sadness or hardship, but when you look good, you feel at least BETTER if not actually good.

02. I am leaving the prenatal vitamins in the cupboard until I get my BFP! For now I am taking a combination of other vitamins including this Stress-B Complex which includes B9 (folic acid) as well as 7 other B-vitamins. B-vitamins are supposed to help with one's sense of well-being, have been known to help regulate menstrual cycles, and also:

• Help convert food into energy
• Help support immune system health
• Help maintain nervous system health
• Protect against damaging free radicals

03. I am eating tons of leafy green veggies (especially broccoli, kale, and spinach) which are thought to help rid the body of excess estrogens. I am also eating chia seeds (yep...the things that you grow on Chia Pets!), which are an excellent source of Omega-3 fatty acids. And I am being really serious about eating NO gluten! My stomach is so much happier for it and I hope my healthy eating pays off in more ways than one! I am still struggling with my weight, though, and hope to gain at least 6 pounds by my surgery!

04. I am listening to music that makes me happy. Right now Fitz and the Tantrums (pictured above) is my #1 musical love! Also in the mix: Aloe Blacc, Raphael Saadiq, Amy Winehouse, and the '90s Music Choice channel (because I know ALL the words!). Also, I often have the song Soulful Strut playing on repeat:

Be honest...can you feel down in the dumps after that tune?! If you said, "Yes, I am still down in the dumps," then you need to strut around the room soulfully while listening to it again. I can guarantee it will make you feel at least a little better :)

What do you do to mange the stress of infertility when you are waiting for the next step?

A Prayer

Telling my Mom about our struggle with fertility has been one of the most liberating things for me in the last 20 months. I told her last October and she has been nothing but supportive (even though she says some funny things at times!). A few weeks ago she gave me a bag of stuff that included some sewing supplies, books about teaching, two tape dispensers (I have an abnormal love of office/school supplies), and some cardboard tubes and cereal boxes (that I use for projects at school, art teachers truly are scroungers!). I am embarrassed to admit that it took me this long to completely unpack the last of the goodies.

 Here is what I found at the very bottom of the bag:

Sorry for the terrible picture (I did not use our new camera to snap this photo!). It is a prayer card with St. Gerard Majella on the front and this prayer on the back:

Almighty God, Author of Life,

your servant,

St. Gerard Majella,

practiced love of you

and love of others

in an extraordinary way.

Through his powerful intercession,

grant the gift of life to couples

who need your help.

Protect the unborn and 

assist mothers-to-be.

May children,

especially those in the womb

and the most vulnerable,

be a sign of your unfailing love.

It was just what I needed today! I have been searching for a prayer for people dealing with infertility or a patron saint of infertile couples and found nothing! Then, without even mentioning it to her, my Mom found this and gave it to me! I will be saying this with my nightly prayers for all of us going through this difficult experience!

Bring on the Spring!

Well, AF officially arrived last night. I, in my silliness, actually took a pregnancy test first thing yesterday morning (only the 5th one I've taken since starting ttc 20 months ago). I was wondering if *maybe* I could actually be pregnant and didn't want to go on my first run of 2012 if I was. I didn't think I was based on my previous cramping, lovely skin, and mood (hence the half of a rum and Coke I indulged in with Friday night dinner) but the heart is a funny thing and hopes even in hopeless times. It was a very clear BFN, obviously.

Yesterday was an amazing, spring-like day! Sixty-three and sunny with a lovely breeze! Very strange for March 10 in the cold north! The temperature actually broke the record for the historical high (it was 58 on March 10 like 60 years ago). I am so glad I went running. I was reminded about how amazing some exercise and fresh air can make a person feel! It did lift my spirits (thank God for endorphins!) although I still cried at least 3 times over the course of the day. I have 3 more cycles before The Bee and I get to move on to the next chapter of our story...I am both terrified and excited about my laparoscopy in June.

So, since AF is here, that means I get to go shopping for my new boots! I am thinking of getting some Minnetonka Moccasins. What do you think of them?

 

source

Dealing with Disappointment

During the first 3 years of our marriage, I was relieved when my period showed up like clockwork every 28-29 days...it meant that we used NFP properly to avoid pregnancy for another month. During those years, we would have been excited if we had a surprise pregnancy but we never took any risks. We wanted to get all of our ducks in a row and make sure we were financially comfortable before we planned on becoming parents. I thought I was awesome at reading my fertile signs and following the instructions we studied together the year before we got married. Now it seems that we could have had sex any day of any month and had the same results. No baby for us :(  

Over the last 18 months, the day that my period starts has been a day full of disappointment and tears. This month was really the first month that I didn't cry. I think knowing that any chance of pregnancy is pretty much impossible until after my surgery has taken away the disappointment for now. This month, my period arrived 2 days early. My cycles seem to be getting more irregular as time goes on. In the last 6 months, I've had cycles range 23-31 days. Most months are still 28 or 29, but it is not as predictable as it used to be.

The worst was the 31 day cycle. I was getting so excited...my period was due on my birthday and didn't show up. I took a pregnancy test that morning before The Bee even woke up (it was negative) and I practically had convulsions every time I used the bathroom until it started 3 days later. What a huge let down!

Last month I decided that I would get a gift for myself each month after my period starts. Not huge things, but things that I don't necessarily need. Last month I got some cat's eye fashion glasses.

Totally cheesey, but really fun! I got the black pair:)

This month I ordered some beautiful scarves from an artist on Etsy. The woman is in Istanbul, Turkey and makes the lace for the scarves by hand. Here is one I really like:

check out her etsy shop here!

Next month, I plan to get myself a new pair of black boots. I had a pair that I bought when I was 21 and both of the heels started falling apart so I finally threw them away last summer.

I know that objects aren't going to heal the pain or prevent the disappointment, but for now it at least gives me something little to look forward to each month!

The Plan

We had our surgery consult this afternoon. The doctor (we'll call her Dr. D) started out by saying that we know a lot more now than we did last time we met with her. She said there is some good news:

• my prolactin levels are normal
• my FSH level was very good
• The Bee's SA came back with good results

All of these are things we have working for us.

Some news that we now know that is not so good:

• my progesterone level was borderline low
• we don't know from last cycle if I am ovulating (ever or irregularly)
• my DHEAS level, which is a precursor to testosterone, was a little elevated, which can be a sign of PCOS
• I have cysts on both of my ovaries
• I have endometriosis on both of my ovaries (most likely, but they cannot diagnose for sure without a laparoscopy)

The next step, as we have known, is a laparoscopy to diagnose and treat endometriosis. She suggested that within the 6-9 month window of opportunity after the laparoscopy that I take Clomid to stimulate ovulation, since "a titch" of PCOS could be at play here, too. She kept saying that there is inconclusive evidence pointing towards PCOS:

• The slightly elevated DHEAS levels, but so slightly elevated that if there weren't infertility issues, they wouldn't even pay attention to it
• The cysts on my ovaries, but they are not typical of PCOS - mine are larger and fewer. These "chocolate cysts" which are common in endometriosis, could be kind of obscuring the true appearance of my ovaries, though
• The irregular ovulation or anovulation, since nobody could tell what was going on last cycle

Whether or not I have PCOS, the Clomid would help us take full advantage of my fertility while the endometriosis is more under control.

Dr. D said that waiting until June or July would be just fine. I am young and there is no time pressure yet. She seemed to think it might be good for me and The Bee to take a few months off from the whole fertility circus anyway, to give my body some time to recover from stress.

She talked about the mind body connection and, more than once, mentioned that both endometriosis and PCOS are treatable and usually have pretty good success rates as far as treatment and pregnancy go. She said that I need to think positively and suggested that we try to relax and maybe even go on a vacation before having the laparoscopy done. To her credit, she did preface the "relax and go on a vacay" with "I know you have probably been told this and it is hard to do, but taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally/emotionally is very important in all of this. I truly believe that positive thoughts are important." I, the ultimate pessimist as of late, know that nothing is a given. There is a chance that we'll follow through with this and be the most positive, enthusiastic people in the universe and still won't have a baby. But there is also a chance that we will.

So, the plan is to call the surgery scheduler when I get my period in June. Somewhere between day 5 and 11 of that cycle I will have the laparoscopy where they will go in through three 5mm incisions (one through my belly button - yuck!) and remove the cysts from my ovaries, the endometriosis from my ovaries (and any other endo they see) and they will assess my fallopian tubes. After that, we'll have to decide if we want to chance it and see if I can ovulate on my own and get pregnant or if we want to start Clomid the following cycle, which would be July.

In the meantime, I am going to try to take care of myself. I am not going to use OPK's or chart BBT (you have no idea how much I have LOVED not charting the horrible and hideous BBT!!). I will still keep track of my cycle using NFP but will try not to obsess. Dr. D said, "You never know...if you are ovulating irregularly, something could happen between now and June." I appreciated her encouragement and kindness, but I have a hard time believing anything will make the next 5 cycles more successful than the last 17 have been.

So, here we go, waiting for June or a miracle!

Gentle Eyes and Baklava

Warning: You will probably think I am the most crazy, insecure woman in the world after reading this. I am hoping this level of pathetic-ness passes. Right now I am really, really struggling with our infertility. Especially because it is a result of something wrong with me. I am not even kidding when I say that I think "Catholic guilt" is a real thing. I feel SO guilty even though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Okay. Here it is...

Last night The Bee got home at 10pm. So much for our 8:30 dinner! Oh well!

I ended up texting my Mom before he got home because around 7:30 or so I just broke down into giant, guttural sobs. I decided that The Bee will surely think that I am not worth the effort any more. He can probably find a great girl who will love him AND can have babies, too. I kind of know this is crazy, and I am feeling a little bit better today, but I do have this extreme sense of guilt. Like I am keeping him from something wonderful that he really deserves to have in his life. I know that if roles were reversed, I wouldn't love him any differently. He is the best man I can imagine and I didn't marry him just so I could have his offspring. But roles are not reversed and something that is wrong with my body is stopping us from creating a family together. I also know that when I hear of other couples struggling with infertility I don't think of them as "damaged" or less valuable than fertile people. That just doesn't make sense! So, why, then, do I feel these things about myself?

When he got home I was flopped on the couch with a plate of cold dinner and was talking on the phone to my Mom (who called me after my pathetic text about infertility). I had such a headache from all of the crying! After I was off the phone, he sat down by me and put his arm around me. I told him how sorry I am and that I wish I could fix whatever is wrong with me. I told him that I am sorry that I am the only reason he is not a father yet.

He has these huge, gentle eyes. He is a very handsome man, if I say so myself! Well, he looked at me with those eyes and said, "It really hasn't been very long that I've been ready to be a father. And I only want to be a parent with you. I think we will still have babies. We're not that old and we're finding out what we need to do. A lot of people don't even try to have kids until they are a lot older than us. We have time. We're not behind. I don't feel like we are missing anything yet. And I brought you this..."

Then he handed me a plastic container that I had sent part of his lunch in that morning. Only now there weren't any orange slices in it. It was a little piece of baklava. One of my very favorite indulgences. I've actually only had it once in my life at the most amazing dinner party I have ever been to, but I talk about it a lot when desserts come up. Since he and a bunch of other people were at work so late, the company ordered dinner for them from a Greek restaurant and he thought I'd like to have a piece of the baklava they had for dessert. Of course it made me start crying all over again. Little things like that show that he really thinks I am worth the effort. I hope he doesn't change his mind.

I'm the broken one, but I can still dance!

Today was an exhausting day at work. A good day, but exhausting! For one thing, I have been staying up too late to see The Bee when he gets home. For two, I got my period today. Not really a surprise since I probably didn't ovulate, but sucky nonetheless. After school I had 4 kids working on sculptures and then a 7th grader came to help me sort some art.

My cell phone was out on my desk and I forgot to turn the ringer off today...thankfully no one called me during classes! After school, it rang. I answered and left the room because it was the clinic. They asked for The Bee, which caught me off guard. I said, "Well, I am his wife, can I help?" Then they said they had his test results. So I gave them The Bee's number and then texted him, "Clinic called me and I gave them your cell number...they have your results."

I got really nervous at that point and tried to continue photographing some art created by my kindergartners. I was distracted, though...What if we're dealing with fertility issues in both of us? What will we do? What if he is perfect and it is completely ME? Will he love me less? Will he look down on me? Will he blame me? Will I end up childless and ALONE, too? The negative thought tornado was spiraling and becoming bigger and full of more and more debris!

The kids were wrapping up the work they came in to do and all the art was sorted. Then the 7th grader said, "Mrs. Bird, I got this new game for Christmas for the Wii. It is super fun! Can I show you on YouTube?" I asked, "Is it a dancing game?" He said, "Yes, Just Dance 3!" Then I exclaimed, "I have Just Dance 2 and it is my FAV-OR-ITE!!" So he started looking up some videos of the game on YouTube and pretty soon I had a 7th grader and six 3rd graders (yes, 2 more heard the music and joined in!) dancing in my room, trying to follow the video on the SmartBoard (this is probably not the "learning" they intended to go on when they installed the glorious technology in our classrooms, but, hey, it was performing arts and valuable and FUN).

They kept trying to get me to join them and I said I would if we could do some songs from Just Dance 2. So before you can say Jack Robinson, there we were having a dance party in the Art room! Wouldn't you know that a dad came to pick up his kid like 5 seconds after I joined in the fun? It was embarrassing to say the least, but he just smiled and laughed and said, "Looks more fun than any art teacher I ever had!"

I packed up and headed home, checked the mail and then called The Bee to see if he'll be home for dinner tonight. He said he'd be home for a late dinner (aiming for 8:30pm tonight! I'm hoping!). Then I couldn't resist asking..."Did you see my last text?"

The Bee: Yes
Me: Did they call you?
The Bee: Yes
Me: Did you talk to them?
The Bee: Yes
(keep in mind he is in a cubicle at the time of this conversation)
Me: It was good news, wasn't it!? (smiling)
The Bee: Yes, everything was good!
Me: Did you write stuff down?
The Bee: Yes
Me: Good!

Then we chatted a bit more and I told him I am sorry that I am all messed up and can't have his babies. He told me that he loves me and things will be okay. Then I let him get back to work so that he can maybe, actually come home for an 8:30 dinner. And now I am typing this and having a beer (because you can do that when you aren't pregnant). And then I am going to play Just Dance 2 or veg in front of some Downton Abbey (because you can play video games and waste time on streamed Netflix when you don't have kids to tend to). Woe is me.

Last one's a rotten egg!

Did you ever say that as a kid? I come from a family of 6 kids and we said it ALL THE TIME in EVERY SITUATION...


Last one to the car is a rotten egg!


Last one to jump in the lake is a rotten egg!


Last one to put on their boots is a rotten egg!


Last one to climb the tree is a rotten egg!


Last one around the block is a rotten egg!


Last one to brush their teeth is a rotten egg!

Last one to finish their lima beans is a rotten egg!

I am sure you get the point. Today I feel like the supreme rotten egg. This morning the Music teacher told me that he and his wife just found out they are expecting another baby. He was very gentle about it and I appreciated that (and it was a lot nicer than, say, finding out on facebook or something). I put on a big smile and said, "Oh, how exciting! Congratulations!" I am happy for them. They are a great couple and have an awesome toddler that they are very good parents to. I haven't even cried at all yet. I did text The Bee, though, and tell him that I feel like a rotten egg. It seems like everyone, EVERYONE(!) around us is announcing pregnancies lately. We know about 5 million pregnant couples, I swear!

I know it is not a competition, but I am tired of everyone getting there first! I am about to put The Bee's matching set theory to the test (that people feel better when wearing sets of matching things)...I think a hot shower and Christmas underpants are necessary immediately.

Infertility clinic visit #3: Follicle u/s #2

Last Friday, The Bee and I went in for another follicle u/s as I hadn't gotten a + on the OPK's yet. I actually may have gotten a + that day...it was the darkest line I had seen, but that would mean I ovulated pretty late this cycle (OPK taken CD 16) and I am not sure if it was a true positive. Who knows? I am not certain of anything these days, why should a simple at home ovulation test be any different?

Anyhow, it was a different person doing the u/s so it was hard to know if she was seeing the same things or different things from the u/s I had on New Year's Eve. This u/s lady gave me this information:

• My ovaries are apparently very close together.
• She could see 3 things that she was guessing were cysts. Based on the size of them, I am inclined to believe they are some of the same 3 found on the ultrasound from 12/07/11  (from that u/s I was told I had 2 cysts on the left and 3 on the right. At THIS u/s she only mentioned 3 altogether...2 on one ovary and 1 on the other)
• She said these cysts looked like "chocolate cysts" which are a sign of endometriosis.
• In addition to the endometriosis on my left ovary (found on the u/s New Year's Eve) there is some on my right ovary as well. (See where this is going??)
• There was some fluid around my right ovary (which was the one we thought had a mature follicle New Year's Eve) but she said it was very hard to tell if it was a sign of ovulation or not.

She ordered a blood test to check my progesterone since it was unclear whether I ovulated or not. The clinic called the next day and gave me this info:

• My progesterone level was 3.3 which indicates that ovulation likely didn't occur this cycle or that it occurred very recently and the blood test was taken too early (they like to test 5-6 days after assumed ovulation).
• A progesterone level of greater than 4 means that ovulation likely occurred.
• A progesterone level of 15 or more indicates pregnancy.
• My doctor wants me to set up an appointment to discuss a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.

So that is where we are. I probably haven't been ovulating and it could be a result of endometriosis. I called my Mom to tell her the latest news. Endometriosis is found in women on both my Mom's and Dad's sides of my family. She told me that I have at least one aunt on each side who had surgery for it (after being unable to conceive) and then had success having at least one child, which I didn't know until yesterday. Unfortunately, I think that if I have the laparoscopy, it will need to wait until June so that I can take whatever recovery time I need without getting overly stressed about work (standing all day = not the best for recovery)/sub plans/little kids running into my sore abdomen. I feel very broken right now. I feel like I need to be fixed!

Oh Lord, please fix me! Or help the surgery fix me! I want this so badly and I am turning into a sad, unpleasant person through this painful experience! I don't even like myself most days. I feel angry, jealous, embarrassed, guilty, unworthy, hopeless. I ask You to create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 

I asked my Mom to talk to my Grandmother, a retired nurse specializing in gynecologic oncology, about the laparoscopy and if waiting 6 more months will allow for too much more damage. Her opinion was that, no, it would be fine to wait until summer but if it is causing me too much worry to do it asap. My Grandma also asked the name of my doctor so she can check up on her at the hospital she used to work at (that made me laugh a little but warmed my heart knowing my Grandma is looking out for me and The Bee and hoping for the same successes we are!).

We won't know if endometriosis is what we are facing unless I have the laparoscopy, though. The Bee asked me to wait until after his SA (scheduled for this Wednesday) to call to set up the appointment to discuss the procedure. I guess I would not be surprised if I have endometriosis. All along I've been answering the question, "Do you have painful periods?" with "No, I just take some ibuprofen and then I am usually fine. I've never missed work because of my period." But after talking to my Mom, I realize that cramping for a week and a half before my period is not normal. And the few times I've needed to sit down to prevent blacking out on the way to the kitchen to get ibuprofen when my period starts in the middle of the night is not normal. And my period getting heavier over the last 2 years is not a good sign. I always thought I had a less severe period than my older sister, who has endometriosis, and who used to actually pass out from the pain. She had my beautiful nephew relatively easily, though. It took her 9 months all together to conceive my nephew but she did sadly lose a pregnancy due to Rh factor 2 months before her successful pregnancy.

I feel angry that I didn't have kids sooner or take birth control pills. Both of those things help keep endometriosis at bay. I am digging deep to find hope and to believe that we will have a baby someday. Right now I just feel so lost.

Stupid anxiety...

Fair warning: this post most certainly contains TMI...

Tonight I sit alone blogging again. The Bee is probably not getting home until way too late tonight (last night it was 1am. crikey!). This time I am not crying though (finished that up in the car) and I am enjoying some lovely cranberry juice. I pretty much convinced myself that I had a UTI and went to Urgent Care. I've never had one before, and I didn't have many of the symptoms I read about on the 100% accurate and always correct internet (broke the moratorium again but I figure it wasn't directly related to fertility stuff so it doesn't count) but I've been having pain mainly on my left side for 4 days now (so, no, not ovulation related since my mature follicle was on my right and, besides, my body apparently doesn't want to ovulate) and I thought my urine looked weird (I've gotten to see my pee very frequently and in much finer detail while doing the little OPK dipstick things).

Also, I am a teacher and teachers don't get to just take restroom breaks whenever they need to and I've been trying to not pee as often or drink as much water during the day so I'd catch a + on the OPK's and The Bee and I have had frequent bd sessions (and I fell asleep after a few without getting up to pee - oops). All of those seem like obvious UTI risk factors to me. So, I freaked myself out and decided that it would be better to treat it if that was the cause of my pain and the weird looking pee. 

The doctor at Urgent Care was a really funny, old man who treated me for at least 75% of the cases of strep throat I had in elementary school. He is still really funny and now he's really old, too. They did a urinalysis (good thing I have so much practice peeing in cups as of late...my aim was impeccable) and everything came back perfect. So he, being a funny, old man, thought that I should have a pelvic exam but he doesn't do them anymore (he made sure to tell me that) so I was brought to another exam room with the doctor who still does perform pelvic exams.

She was a young doctor in her mid-30s. After I told her that I have a follicle u/s scheduled tomorrow and that I am being seen at the other clinic for infertility, she offered to test me for a few things but said it was up to me since they can't really do a whole lot at Urgent Care and she didn't think I had any of the stuff she could test for, like "horrible STDs" as she put it. I talked to her a bit more and she was very encouraging about our whole baby making endeavor and she said she'd send "fertile vibes" my way, which cracked me up. She mentioned the mind-body connection and said that I am probably just noticing every little thing, which is common when struggling with fertility issues.

Next, I went to Target and picked up cranberry juice to help prevent any future UTIs. Then I called The Bee and told him I have perfect urine. Then I drove home and cried when James Taylor sang "You've Got a Friend" on the radio. Now that I know I don't have a UTI, I am going to choose to believe that the pains I am experiencing are the same pains I had before cutting gluten out of my diet. I have really fallen off the wagon with that since the holidays are chock-full of gluten. Cookies, breads, crackers to go with cheese balls...I know I haven't been eating as well and my stomach is not happy about it. However, I am up one pound since last being weighed, and for that I am thankful to gluten and whole milk yogurt.

Tomorrow is a new day! I have no idea what they will tell me at the u/s, but, as I try to tell myself every day, we are taking steps in the best direction possible by finding out as much as we can.

CD 14 and a broken t.v.

So, in a textbook cycle I would have ovulated today. Which means I would have seen a + OPK result a day or two ago. According to my years of NFP charting and 3 months of bbt charting, I would expect to ovulate today or tomorrow (CD 15 tends to be "O" day for me most of the time). Unfortunately, as far as NFP goes, I've had a pretty crappy, dry cycle.

Alas, here I am at 11:05pm on the couch blogging and crying alone because The Bee has to work late (again) and I still haven't gotten that coveted positive. And I broke the television (which is really old and was free from my Mom when The Bee and I didn't have a t.v. during the entire first year of our marriage and then my Mom was redoing her basement and didn't want it anymore so it is not that big of a deal). I think something actually went crazy with the cable box but I can't figure it out. If I turn the t.v. on, all I can see is the guide page for channels 44-51 and I can hear FoodNetwork. And the cable box says it is 9:25 (when it is actually 11:07 now). And it doesn't matter what buttons I push or if I turn stuff off and on again.

I called The Bee at 10:33 to see when he'd be able to head home but only got to leave him a teary voicemail. He called me back at 10:49 and said he'd hopefully get to head home soon. He was in a meeting when I called. Yep. A meeting at 10:33pm when he went in to work at 8:30 this morning. THIS is the job he worked so hard for four years to get? Ugh. I started crying when I told him about the television and he, in his soothing, gentle voice told me he would fix it when he got home. That made me feel a little better. Not because I am glad he'll fix the t.v. but because he is such an amazing man that he can patiently comfort me when he thinks I am crying over a dumb, free television that is probably from some time in the '80s and can only be turned on with a remote because the power button has fallen inside of the television casing. I had to laugh and then said, "You know the t.v. isn't the main problem, right? I could just really use a hug right now." And then this just slipped out through sobs: "We're never going to have a baby."

His response? "Yes, we will."
My response? "Well, you sort of have to be home sometimes for that to happen."
His? "I am trying. I am trying to come home. And I will give you a hug as soon as I get in the door. And we will have a baby."

I am so glad that I am married to this man. I wish he was here to talk me out of this funk and make me see how ridiculous I can be. We're going in for another ultrasound this Friday since I haven't gotten a + on the OPK. We're doing everything we can to figure this out.

Infertility clinic visit #2: Follicle u/s

On New Year's Eve morning, The Bee and I went in for my first follicle u/s. I was glad he was there with me again! Here is all of the info I got during the u/s:

(It was cycle day 10, for reference)

• One mature follicle (18.5) on my right ovary. No follicles on my left, which the u/s lady said was common for an unmedicated cycle.

• Lining (7.9) was described as "beautiful" as she was measuring.

• Slight endometriosis on left ovary, which made me sad. Although the u/s lady said it didn't look bad, shouldn't require surgery and shouldn't impair fertility.

She didn't say anything about any other cysts and I was too overwhelmed (this fertility stuff makes me emotional and tense, not calm or logical, unfortunately) to remember to ask. She recommended that we bd every 36-48 hours starting that night. If I don't get a + on the OPKs by Wednesday I am to call the doctor and set up another u/s. So far I haven't gotten a + but I am hoping that I will soon! I KNOW we have used the "right" days most of the months during the last year and a half, so I am doubting that this month will have a different outcome. I am praying a bit extra, though, and trying not to get too excited/stressed/consumed by it. I am reminding myself that we don't really know anything new yet and haven't started any treatment so this cycle is primarily for research/gathering info to see if my body is ovulating on its own.

The Bee is going to try to set up an appointment for his SA sometime this month. I am sticking with the higher calorie diet and haven't been drinking green tea. I have started drinking coffee again, though, but only one cup in the morning with breakfast and with cream, yum! I did the FitDay counting thing for one more day after posting about it...we'll see if I get back on that. I am not sure how helpful it will be for me since I don't measure stuff out while eating (nor do I have the time/desire to start doing so) and it is hard to enter in homemade foods accurately. 

Here's hoping that 2012 is a wonderful year!

Infertility clinic: blood work results

I got the results from last week's blood work.

My FSH, LH, prolactin, and free and total testosterone were all normal.

My DHEAS level, which is a precursor to testosterone, was a little elevated, which could be a sign of PCOS. I broke my internet moratorium (shhh...don't tell!) and saw that, yes, it is indeed linked to PCOS (and other fun things) but it is also elevated in people who are stressed because it is related to cortisol somehow. Hello! Who in the world can ttc for over a year and NOT be stressed? Okay, I will NOT look up any more info. The internet moratorium is reinstated. I did last a whole week, which is pretty amazing. I need to remind myself that I am in good hands and no matter what they find, we'll be able to deal with it and make decisions based on the results. Knowledge is power, right?

My doctor wants me to stick to our original plan: follicle ultrasound tomorrow, use the OPKs at home and then go in to get my progesterone checked after ovulation. The Bee also needs to get in for his SA and then we can go from there!

Eat this:

In my quest to beef up a little (without actually eating any beef, ha!) I purchased the above pictured yogurt at the grocery store yesterday. Holy Hannah! Is it ever delicious! I packed some for The Bee's lunch, too, and we'll see what he says about it when he gets home. It pretty much tasted like whipped cream with my blueberries this morning!

In addition to eating whole fat dairy, I am going to try to keep track of my calories for a few days to get an idea of what I am actually consuming. One of my best gal pals had the idea and signed me up for FitDay when we got together for some crafting this afternoon. I figure it can't hurt anything and this girl is the one responsible for getting me and The Bee together in high school, she was there (hiding in the bushes and taking pictures) when The Bee proposed, she was one of my bridesmaids and she played a part in The Bee landing his new job. Plus she is just an amazingly kind, generous, supportive person. If the world had more of her walking around, it would be a much better place! She is largely responsible for many of the wonderful things in our lives (although she is so modest, she'd deny it) so I thought, "If she thinks this might help, I'll try it!" She also told me to immediately stop drinking green tea since that speeds up your metabolism. I started drinking green tea about 13 months into our ttc adventure because I decided that my morning coffee HAD to be responsible for my lack of pregnancy and green tea has less caffeine (and I read that it improves CM). Well, the tea hasn't helped anything so I don't mind giving it up!

Calorie counting was actually very telling. According to FitDay (assuming it is accurate) today I have eaten breakfast, lunch, a snack, dinner and dessert and have only consumed 1059 calories.

1059 seems freakishly low to me, but if it is true then that is definitely not helpful while The Bee and I are ttc. Using this calculator thingy I found online (also assuming it is accurate for the purpose of this blog entry) it says that for my age, height, weight and activity level I need 1630/day to maintain my current weight. Hmmm. This means:
A. These tools are inaccurate
B. I don't know how to use them properly
or
C. I need to seriously evaluate my food habits.

My general food rules are:
1. When you are hungry, eat.
2. When you are full, stop eating.
3. Aim for 3 meals a day (plus 1-3 snacks and dessert).
4. Make sure you have variety (in colors, textures, flavors, food groups) so that it is an enjoyable experience and you get all of the vitamins, etc that you need at the same time!

These rules have always served me well. I have, of course, overeaten when something I really like is on the plate (or in the bowl) such as french fries (or any other form of potato, for that matter), ice cream, pasta (in days of old, anyway), or tortilla chips with salsa/guacamole. Generally, though, I eat three meals a day, however many snacks I feel like I need and dessert if I want, then call it good. I am convinced my recent weight loss is caused by stress and the absence of gluten in my diet. I eat WAY more fruits and veggies now so I feel full but they don't carry much in the way of calories. I need to try to get more non-gluten grains like rice and quinoa into my daily meals and I bet that would help.

So, now I am going to go consume about 600 calories worth of chips and guacamole and hope for the best in this new experiment!

Infertility clinic visit #1

The appointment went really well today. I picked The Bee up at his work and we drove to the clinic together. Side note: It was the first time I have been to The Bee's office and, holy cow!, it is a BEAUTIFUL building with fanciness everywhere! It has tons of plants and fancy staircases and it is especially lovely right now because it was all decorated for Christmas!

Okay, back to the appointment...

We arrived at the clinic (which is only an 8 minute drive from The Bee's office, NICE!) and I had to sign some paper work saying that I understand that I am responsible for any payments for services that insurance won't cover. Then they took my picture (I tried to look good for the appointment but made the mistake of wearing my naturally curly hair down on a windy, December day - oops!) for my file (to prevent identity fraud, apparently). Then they weighed me (unfortunately I am down another pound, but more on that later) and took my blood pressure.

When I got to the exam room, I held my composure while the assistant took down a few more bits of information. She seemed a little uncomfortable asking The Bee if he had fathered any children and if he has had a semen analysis done (answer to both = no). Then she left and said the doctor would be in shortly.

The doctor came in about 5 minutes later and went over some of the records sent from my general physician and the specialist at my doctor's office. She asked us for our story so far and of course I started to cry! The Bee held my hand the whole time, though, which helped my cry substantially LESS than I have at all of the other appointments that I went to by myself. She was very nonjudgmental and also very kind. She seemed glad that I know a lot about my cycle (who wouldn't after 5 years of charting CM and 4.5 months of charting bbt?!) and hormones and what they do but at one point she did say that she was recommending an "Internet Moratorium." Haha! The Bee laughed pretty hard at that because all along he has been telling me not to look up all of the things that could possibly be wrong with me (it's not like I've told him I am insulin resistant, have a gluten allergy, have a "cold uterus" and hostile cervical mucus, low progesterone, a pituitary tumor...oh, NO...I have NEVER used the internet and test results to diagnose myself and in turn make myself completely cuckoo and practically impossible to live with! Not me!).

Her opinion, given the results from my previous blood tests and ultrasound, is that it may not be PCOS. She isn't ruling it out at this point, but said more testing needs to be done. She said I didn't have very many cysts and that they are larger than most PCOS patients have. At least 2 of them were like 2cm - which freaks me out a little because it sounds BIG (and not good) but she didn't seem concerned when I asked about it. She asked what cycle date the blood labs (cd 21 in November) and the u/s (cd 13 in December) were done and kind of seemed like, "Hmm...those are not the best days to do those tests..."

Then she asked what cycle date I am today. It is cd 2 (boo for AF over the holidays!) and she said it would be the perfect day to do the first blood work! So today they drew blood to test (from what I can remember) FSH, LH, prolactin (to see if that high level was a fluke in November or if my level is consistently high), estrogen, and androgens (which, of course, includes testosterone). That should help figure out if it is PCOS or something else, or something else and PCOS...here I go making myself crazy again! I also have an u/s scheduled for next Saturday morning (New Year's Eve!) to check my follicles. And I have to start using my ovulation predictor kit (thank you, Amanda, for the info about OPKs!) so that they can do another u/s 5 or 6 days after I get a + on it. Even though I don't know any new news, I feel like we are making progress! She also gave The Bee a referral for his SA. I will be glad (and possibly sad, mad, shocked...) to finally start to figure out what is going on with us!

She asked if we had any questions and I asked if my vegetarian diet could be part of the problem. She said it could be contributing if I am not getting enough protein and fats, but probably isn't the main issue. I told her about how I have cut out almost all gluten from my diet since August (due to constant stomachaches) but she seemed to think that less gluten = generally healthy.  And then I told her how now am worried about eating too much sugar (because of my self diagnosed insulin resistance after my sort-of diagnoses of PCOS) and too much dairy (after I read about all of the yucky hormones in, like, EVERY dairy product I eat). Through tears I asked, "How can I eat anything if I have to be a gluten-free, diabetic vegan?!"  She told me not to limit myself too much and that low BMI can cause problems while ttc. She actually recommended that I eat full fat, organic dairy from now on since my BMI is currently borderline low (not on purpose, I truly think it is stress!) and that I not worry about sugar at this point (but of course try to avoid refined sugar and processed food, which I think The Bee and I do a pretty good job of already). The sugar thing really makes me feel better because I love fruit and eat a lot of it (especially clementines and pineapple, which are pretty sugary). And the dairy thing made me feel better because I eat a lot of yogurt (with frozen blueberries in it) for protein and I LOVE cheese! I communicated that I have been trying everything I can think of to make better choices and to "fix" whatever I am doing wrong. She looked at me with the most gentle eyes and said, "You aren't doing anything wrong. You can't blame yourself for this, even though it is easy to go down that road. We will figure this out!"

She also told me to take care of myself (specifically make time for my YOGA and she recommended getting massages every once in a while). Oh! And the BEST part of the appointment today? The doctor actually TOLD me to STOP taking my bbt! She said that if you don't sleep consistently(which I don't) it is not very useful and it causes many women in my situation undue stress. So, hooray! No more bbt charting! Although now I have to start the OPKs...

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas:)

Appointment set

I called the clinic yesterday and they were very apologetic that a scheduler hadn't contacted me. They seemed super nice...even when I started to cry over the phone... Oh, Lord, help me learn to compose myself!

I have my first appointment set for this Friday afternoon, 12/23/11. I filled out the online new patient info and medical history last night. The doctor I am seeing is very young (she looks about my age, which to me seems young for a doctor) so I bet she's very well versed in recent medical research and treatments. I just called my doctor's office and requested that they send my records to the fertility clinic. I think I am all set! Maybe not mentally, but I have 2 days to get to that point.

***Just got a call from the business office at the clinic with bad news...my insurance will not be covering any fertility related costs. Once I am officially labeled infertile, everything will need to be paid out of pocket at the time of treatment. Is this pretty standard for insurance policies? This has me seriously considering looking for a new job. For an entity that boasts their love of family and the importance of social justice, they sure leave their employees out in the cold in regards to salary, medical coverage and retirement benefits.***