Something to look forward to...

I got an e-mail today from a henna artist inviting me to do a gig with her in June! We have a connection through a family friend and she actually taught me how to do henna almost 10 years ago! This is extremely exciting for me...after a nightmarish experience teaching art at a summer program last year, The Bee and I decided I would NEVER AGAIN teach art in the summer! It was my 3rd year teaching the program at a school with dream-like art facilities (think 3+ sinks in every room as opposed to my sink-less classroom) and really generally nice kids. The main problem was that I had very large classes with huge age ranges...imagine classes of 30 students ages 6-15 in the same class...yes, kids entering first grade thrown in with kids entering 10th and all that's in between! Not sure why anyone would think that is a good idea!

The henna artist and I were in contact last year but I was unable to do the couple events she invited me to work due to my summer program and also a bit of traveling that I did. I was wondering if I had missed my opportunity because I had to decline more than once. I am thrilled and hope it works out! A part-time, event based summer job that is still art related but is not confined to a classroom with kids...sounds perfect!

Bitter

Synonyms: absinthal, absinthian, acerb, acerbic, acid, acrid, amaroidal, astringent, harsh, sour, tart, unsweetened, vinegary

I am feeling very bitter right now. Have been since the facebook announcement by my brother-in-law 4 days ago:

  

Okay, who's the asshole that snuck in here and knocked up my wife???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

And the subsequent status posted 2 days later:

She's preggerz, and I'm gonna be the #1 Baby Daddy of all time! Also, thinkin about startin a Stud Service, and taking this thing commercial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, who talks like that?! And this guy is not some 20-year-old young buck, not that it would be acceptable even then, imho...He is 37-years-old, for the love! And, yes, he did actually use all of those question marks and exclamation points...I am not exaggerating. I copied and pasted them verbatim.

And then the phone call I just got from my mother-in-law (who is the sweetest woman you will ever meet and I love dearly):

MIL: Hi, Sweetie. I don't know if you've talked to (sister-in-law) lately, but um, [then a bunch of nervous chatter]. Well, we didn't even know that they were trying to have a baby but now they are expecting...

Me: Yeah, we saw that on facebook on Sunday.

MIL: Oh, yes, they just had the ultrasound yesterday. She is just barely seven weeks along. Oh, (brother-in-law) is just so excited and started getting goofy posting that on facebook. He really shouldn't have. And (sister-in-law) has just been so busy on the phone but she is going to call you. I just thought you should hear it from someone on the phone or in person before seeing it...How are you doing? Have you had any more appointments?

Me: Yes, we had an ultrasound last Friday and didn't get encouraging news.

MIL: Oh? I am sorry! Did you find out anything new?

Me: They think I might have endometriosis. It runs on both sides of my family so we need to set up a meeting about the possibility of laparoscopic surgery.

MIL: Oh, honey. I am sorry. I have known a few people with endometriosis who eventually have babies. Hopefully they can get you all fixed up and it won't be long before you are following behind (sister-in-law).

Then the conversation went on a little and we said goodbye because my friend was about to show me how to use the juicer she is letting me borrow. 

The Bee keeps telling me that I am not bitter and that I am just emotional because of timing and the way we found out (and the asinine phrasing of the announcements). Well, why does it make me feel like my heart is going to explode and make me want to SCREAM then?! I do know that it will pass. Of course I'll love my new niece/nephew a ton. I need to get over myself. Now two of my sisters-in-law are pregnant and the third is ttc. I am imagining 3 beautiful babies at the family Christmas next year. And The Bee and I will be the only ones without. And we've been trying the longest. I need to stop comparing myself. Deep breaths. Cleansing thoughts. We will survive this.

A Wednesday

Last night was nice. The Bee and I had a 'date.' I call it a 'date' because we sat on the couch drinking ginger ale together. It was actually very exciting and nice to have him home at a decent hour...we got to eat dinner together and everything!

The Bee had his appointment this morning. It was very hard to be on the other side of things, seeing the person I love most feeling so stressed and visibly upset. The good news is that it is over! I am (obviously) hoping everything comes back normal so that 1. he doesn't feel sad 2. we can rule SOMETHING out 3. we can focus on getting my system in working order (the endo stuff is still weighing on me!) and 4. he doesn't have to repeat the test. He asked me not to talk to anyone about it for a while. I think he needs time to process and he knows I have been very open about all of my tests with my Mom, my 2 closest girlfriends, and his Mom and sister (the one who dealt with infertility also). I have never seen him feeling so down. I wasn't expecting it to affect him this way. Afterwards we both went our separate ways off to work. This evening, I called him on my way home to see if he'd be home for dinner (my plan was to pick up a few things to make his favorite meal) but he said no, he would be pretty late again tonight. So I told him I'd pick up beer and we'd have a date on the couch whenever he got home. That got a chuckle out of him.

Work was surprisingly great today, though! My kindergartners were enthusiastic about cutting out circles for their Kandinsky inspired collages. I, in my sneaky teacher way, even got several early finishers to cut out extra circles by asking them if they thought they were ready for the "super challenge!" which was really just tracing some paint bottle caps I quickly grabbed and cutting out little circles. The boys especially loved this. Ha! After school, I had a middle schooler working on her painting and several elementary kids working on their current projects in my classroom - all by choice! As I was packing up to head out, I heard some of my third graders explaining what an 'armature' was to their after-school teacher as they proudly showed off their in-progress sculptures in the cafeteria.  It was ADORABLE to listen in on...

"Well, you see, an armature is like the skeleton of your sculpture. You build it and then you can put stuff on it."

"And it needs to be strong. You don't want a headless giraffe! You use a lot of tape to attach the body parts."

Now I am heading off for an impromptu dinner out with a girlfriend and (hopefully) I'll accomplish a lot when I get home. I have too much housework to get done before my beer-couch date with The Bee!

Infertility clinic visit #3: Follicle u/s #2

Last Friday, The Bee and I went in for another follicle u/s as I hadn't gotten a + on the OPK's yet. I actually may have gotten a + that day...it was the darkest line I had seen, but that would mean I ovulated pretty late this cycle (OPK taken CD 16) and I am not sure if it was a true positive. Who knows? I am not certain of anything these days, why should a simple at home ovulation test be any different?

Anyhow, it was a different person doing the u/s so it was hard to know if she was seeing the same things or different things from the u/s I had on New Year's Eve. This u/s lady gave me this information:

• My ovaries are apparently very close together.
• She could see 3 things that she was guessing were cysts. Based on the size of them, I am inclined to believe they are some of the same 3 found on the ultrasound from 12/07/11  (from that u/s I was told I had 2 cysts on the left and 3 on the right. At THIS u/s she only mentioned 3 altogether...2 on one ovary and 1 on the other)
• She said these cysts looked like "chocolate cysts" which are a sign of endometriosis.
• In addition to the endometriosis on my left ovary (found on the u/s New Year's Eve) there is some on my right ovary as well. (See where this is going??)
• There was some fluid around my right ovary (which was the one we thought had a mature follicle New Year's Eve) but she said it was very hard to tell if it was a sign of ovulation or not.

She ordered a blood test to check my progesterone since it was unclear whether I ovulated or not. The clinic called the next day and gave me this info:

• My progesterone level was 3.3 which indicates that ovulation likely didn't occur this cycle or that it occurred very recently and the blood test was taken too early (they like to test 5-6 days after assumed ovulation).
• A progesterone level of greater than 4 means that ovulation likely occurred.
• A progesterone level of 15 or more indicates pregnancy.
• My doctor wants me to set up an appointment to discuss a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.

So that is where we are. I probably haven't been ovulating and it could be a result of endometriosis. I called my Mom to tell her the latest news. Endometriosis is found in women on both my Mom's and Dad's sides of my family. She told me that I have at least one aunt on each side who had surgery for it (after being unable to conceive) and then had success having at least one child, which I didn't know until yesterday. Unfortunately, I think that if I have the laparoscopy, it will need to wait until June so that I can take whatever recovery time I need without getting overly stressed about work (standing all day = not the best for recovery)/sub plans/little kids running into my sore abdomen. I feel very broken right now. I feel like I need to be fixed!

Oh Lord, please fix me! Or help the surgery fix me! I want this so badly and I am turning into a sad, unpleasant person through this painful experience! I don't even like myself most days. I feel angry, jealous, embarrassed, guilty, unworthy, hopeless. I ask You to create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 

I asked my Mom to talk to my Grandmother, a retired nurse specializing in gynecologic oncology, about the laparoscopy and if waiting 6 more months will allow for too much more damage. Her opinion was that, no, it would be fine to wait until summer but if it is causing me too much worry to do it asap. My Grandma also asked the name of my doctor so she can check up on her at the hospital she used to work at (that made me laugh a little but warmed my heart knowing my Grandma is looking out for me and The Bee and hoping for the same successes we are!).

We won't know if endometriosis is what we are facing unless I have the laparoscopy, though. The Bee asked me to wait until after his SA (scheduled for this Wednesday) to call to set up the appointment to discuss the procedure. I guess I would not be surprised if I have endometriosis. All along I've been answering the question, "Do you have painful periods?" with "No, I just take some ibuprofen and then I am usually fine. I've never missed work because of my period." But after talking to my Mom, I realize that cramping for a week and a half before my period is not normal. And the few times I've needed to sit down to prevent blacking out on the way to the kitchen to get ibuprofen when my period starts in the middle of the night is not normal. And my period getting heavier over the last 2 years is not a good sign. I always thought I had a less severe period than my older sister, who has endometriosis, and who used to actually pass out from the pain. She had my beautiful nephew relatively easily, though. It took her 9 months all together to conceive my nephew but she did sadly lose a pregnancy due to Rh factor 2 months before her successful pregnancy.

I feel angry that I didn't have kids sooner or take birth control pills. Both of those things help keep endometriosis at bay. I am digging deep to find hope and to believe that we will have a baby someday. Right now I just feel so lost.

Stupid anxiety...

Fair warning: this post most certainly contains TMI...

Tonight I sit alone blogging again. The Bee is probably not getting home until way too late tonight (last night it was 1am. crikey!). This time I am not crying though (finished that up in the car) and I am enjoying some lovely cranberry juice. I pretty much convinced myself that I had a UTI and went to Urgent Care. I've never had one before, and I didn't have many of the symptoms I read about on the 100% accurate and always correct internet (broke the moratorium again but I figure it wasn't directly related to fertility stuff so it doesn't count) but I've been having pain mainly on my left side for 4 days now (so, no, not ovulation related since my mature follicle was on my right and, besides, my body apparently doesn't want to ovulate) and I thought my urine looked weird (I've gotten to see my pee very frequently and in much finer detail while doing the little OPK dipstick things).

Also, I am a teacher and teachers don't get to just take restroom breaks whenever they need to and I've been trying to not pee as often or drink as much water during the day so I'd catch a + on the OPK's and The Bee and I have had frequent bd sessions (and I fell asleep after a few without getting up to pee - oops). All of those seem like obvious UTI risk factors to me. So, I freaked myself out and decided that it would be better to treat it if that was the cause of my pain and the weird looking pee. 

The doctor at Urgent Care was a really funny, old man who treated me for at least 75% of the cases of strep throat I had in elementary school. He is still really funny and now he's really old, too. They did a urinalysis (good thing I have so much practice peeing in cups as of late...my aim was impeccable) and everything came back perfect. So he, being a funny, old man, thought that I should have a pelvic exam but he doesn't do them anymore (he made sure to tell me that) so I was brought to another exam room with the doctor who still does perform pelvic exams.

She was a young doctor in her mid-30s. After I told her that I have a follicle u/s scheduled tomorrow and that I am being seen at the other clinic for infertility, she offered to test me for a few things but said it was up to me since they can't really do a whole lot at Urgent Care and she didn't think I had any of the stuff she could test for, like "horrible STDs" as she put it. I talked to her a bit more and she was very encouraging about our whole baby making endeavor and she said she'd send "fertile vibes" my way, which cracked me up. She mentioned the mind-body connection and said that I am probably just noticing every little thing, which is common when struggling with fertility issues.

Next, I went to Target and picked up cranberry juice to help prevent any future UTIs. Then I called The Bee and told him I have perfect urine. Then I drove home and cried when James Taylor sang "You've Got a Friend" on the radio. Now that I know I don't have a UTI, I am going to choose to believe that the pains I am experiencing are the same pains I had before cutting gluten out of my diet. I have really fallen off the wagon with that since the holidays are chock-full of gluten. Cookies, breads, crackers to go with cheese balls...I know I haven't been eating as well and my stomach is not happy about it. However, I am up one pound since last being weighed, and for that I am thankful to gluten and whole milk yogurt.

Tomorrow is a new day! I have no idea what they will tell me at the u/s, but, as I try to tell myself every day, we are taking steps in the best direction possible by finding out as much as we can.

CD 14 and a broken t.v.

So, in a textbook cycle I would have ovulated today. Which means I would have seen a + OPK result a day or two ago. According to my years of NFP charting and 3 months of bbt charting, I would expect to ovulate today or tomorrow (CD 15 tends to be "O" day for me most of the time). Unfortunately, as far as NFP goes, I've had a pretty crappy, dry cycle.

Alas, here I am at 11:05pm on the couch blogging and crying alone because The Bee has to work late (again) and I still haven't gotten that coveted positive. And I broke the television (which is really old and was free from my Mom when The Bee and I didn't have a t.v. during the entire first year of our marriage and then my Mom was redoing her basement and didn't want it anymore so it is not that big of a deal). I think something actually went crazy with the cable box but I can't figure it out. If I turn the t.v. on, all I can see is the guide page for channels 44-51 and I can hear FoodNetwork. And the cable box says it is 9:25 (when it is actually 11:07 now). And it doesn't matter what buttons I push or if I turn stuff off and on again.

I called The Bee at 10:33 to see when he'd be able to head home but only got to leave him a teary voicemail. He called me back at 10:49 and said he'd hopefully get to head home soon. He was in a meeting when I called. Yep. A meeting at 10:33pm when he went in to work at 8:30 this morning. THIS is the job he worked so hard for four years to get? Ugh. I started crying when I told him about the television and he, in his soothing, gentle voice told me he would fix it when he got home. That made me feel a little better. Not because I am glad he'll fix the t.v. but because he is such an amazing man that he can patiently comfort me when he thinks I am crying over a dumb, free television that is probably from some time in the '80s and can only be turned on with a remote because the power button has fallen inside of the television casing. I had to laugh and then said, "You know the t.v. isn't the main problem, right? I could just really use a hug right now." And then this just slipped out through sobs: "We're never going to have a baby."

His response? "Yes, we will."
My response? "Well, you sort of have to be home sometimes for that to happen."
His? "I am trying. I am trying to come home. And I will give you a hug as soon as I get in the door. And we will have a baby."

I am so glad that I am married to this man. I wish he was here to talk me out of this funk and make me see how ridiculous I can be. We're going in for another ultrasound this Friday since I haven't gotten a + on the OPK. We're doing everything we can to figure this out.

Infertility clinic visit #2: Follicle u/s

On New Year's Eve morning, The Bee and I went in for my first follicle u/s. I was glad he was there with me again! Here is all of the info I got during the u/s:

(It was cycle day 10, for reference)

• One mature follicle (18.5) on my right ovary. No follicles on my left, which the u/s lady said was common for an unmedicated cycle.

• Lining (7.9) was described as "beautiful" as she was measuring.

• Slight endometriosis on left ovary, which made me sad. Although the u/s lady said it didn't look bad, shouldn't require surgery and shouldn't impair fertility.

She didn't say anything about any other cysts and I was too overwhelmed (this fertility stuff makes me emotional and tense, not calm or logical, unfortunately) to remember to ask. She recommended that we bd every 36-48 hours starting that night. If I don't get a + on the OPKs by Wednesday I am to call the doctor and set up another u/s. So far I haven't gotten a + but I am hoping that I will soon! I KNOW we have used the "right" days most of the months during the last year and a half, so I am doubting that this month will have a different outcome. I am praying a bit extra, though, and trying not to get too excited/stressed/consumed by it. I am reminding myself that we don't really know anything new yet and haven't started any treatment so this cycle is primarily for research/gathering info to see if my body is ovulating on its own.

The Bee is going to try to set up an appointment for his SA sometime this month. I am sticking with the higher calorie diet and haven't been drinking green tea. I have started drinking coffee again, though, but only one cup in the morning with breakfast and with cream, yum! I did the FitDay counting thing for one more day after posting about it...we'll see if I get back on that. I am not sure how helpful it will be for me since I don't measure stuff out while eating (nor do I have the time/desire to start doing so) and it is hard to enter in homemade foods accurately. 

Here's hoping that 2012 is a wonderful year!