Infertility clinic visit #3: Follicle u/s #2

Last Friday, The Bee and I went in for another follicle u/s as I hadn't gotten a + on the OPK's yet. I actually may have gotten a + that day...it was the darkest line I had seen, but that would mean I ovulated pretty late this cycle (OPK taken CD 16) and I am not sure if it was a true positive. Who knows? I am not certain of anything these days, why should a simple at home ovulation test be any different?

Anyhow, it was a different person doing the u/s so it was hard to know if she was seeing the same things or different things from the u/s I had on New Year's Eve. This u/s lady gave me this information:

• My ovaries are apparently very close together.
• She could see 3 things that she was guessing were cysts. Based on the size of them, I am inclined to believe they are some of the same 3 found on the ultrasound from 12/07/11  (from that u/s I was told I had 2 cysts on the left and 3 on the right. At THIS u/s she only mentioned 3 altogether...2 on one ovary and 1 on the other)
• She said these cysts looked like "chocolate cysts" which are a sign of endometriosis.
• In addition to the endometriosis on my left ovary (found on the u/s New Year's Eve) there is some on my right ovary as well. (See where this is going??)
• There was some fluid around my right ovary (which was the one we thought had a mature follicle New Year's Eve) but she said it was very hard to tell if it was a sign of ovulation or not.

She ordered a blood test to check my progesterone since it was unclear whether I ovulated or not. The clinic called the next day and gave me this info:

• My progesterone level was 3.3 which indicates that ovulation likely didn't occur this cycle or that it occurred very recently and the blood test was taken too early (they like to test 5-6 days after assumed ovulation).
• A progesterone level of greater than 4 means that ovulation likely occurred.
• A progesterone level of 15 or more indicates pregnancy.
• My doctor wants me to set up an appointment to discuss a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.

So that is where we are. I probably haven't been ovulating and it could be a result of endometriosis. I called my Mom to tell her the latest news. Endometriosis is found in women on both my Mom's and Dad's sides of my family. She told me that I have at least one aunt on each side who had surgery for it (after being unable to conceive) and then had success having at least one child, which I didn't know until yesterday. Unfortunately, I think that if I have the laparoscopy, it will need to wait until June so that I can take whatever recovery time I need without getting overly stressed about work (standing all day = not the best for recovery)/sub plans/little kids running into my sore abdomen. I feel very broken right now. I feel like I need to be fixed!

Oh Lord, please fix me! Or help the surgery fix me! I want this so badly and I am turning into a sad, unpleasant person through this painful experience! I don't even like myself most days. I feel angry, jealous, embarrassed, guilty, unworthy, hopeless. I ask You to create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 

I asked my Mom to talk to my Grandmother, a retired nurse specializing in gynecologic oncology, about the laparoscopy and if waiting 6 more months will allow for too much more damage. Her opinion was that, no, it would be fine to wait until summer but if it is causing me too much worry to do it asap. My Grandma also asked the name of my doctor so she can check up on her at the hospital she used to work at (that made me laugh a little but warmed my heart knowing my Grandma is looking out for me and The Bee and hoping for the same successes we are!).

We won't know if endometriosis is what we are facing unless I have the laparoscopy, though. The Bee asked me to wait until after his SA (scheduled for this Wednesday) to call to set up the appointment to discuss the procedure. I guess I would not be surprised if I have endometriosis. All along I've been answering the question, "Do you have painful periods?" with "No, I just take some ibuprofen and then I am usually fine. I've never missed work because of my period." But after talking to my Mom, I realize that cramping for a week and a half before my period is not normal. And the few times I've needed to sit down to prevent blacking out on the way to the kitchen to get ibuprofen when my period starts in the middle of the night is not normal. And my period getting heavier over the last 2 years is not a good sign. I always thought I had a less severe period than my older sister, who has endometriosis, and who used to actually pass out from the pain. She had my beautiful nephew relatively easily, though. It took her 9 months all together to conceive my nephew but she did sadly lose a pregnancy due to Rh factor 2 months before her successful pregnancy.

I feel angry that I didn't have kids sooner or take birth control pills. Both of those things help keep endometriosis at bay. I am digging deep to find hope and to believe that we will have a baby someday. Right now I just feel so lost.