Uncharted

Last week I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I don't have a plan for a length of time. Maybe until summer ends? I deactivated it Friday before attending Taize prayer at my church. I figured the meditative prayer could be kind of like a mental/emotional reset. Facebook has become too much of a time sink for me and definitely a source of stress. I know it is my own reactions to things that make Facebook stressful, like feeling a twinge of jealousy and a whole lotta sadness with each pregnancy announcement that has popped up in the last few months. Lots of friends and acquaintances with kids much younger than my daughter are starting to announce the their second and third pregnancies and it is too much for my heart right now.

Friday I also picked up my brand new bike, a Bianchi Milano Dama. Look it up if you have time...it is pretty much the cutest bike I have ever seen! I'll be filling much of my time out riding and enjoying the outdoors. I'll also be starting a Zumba class in about a week. I am hoping the added exercise plus my new daily ritual of gratitude journaling (and the absence of Facebook!) will help me get my mental health back on track. If not, therapy is the next stop for me.

As I haven't really been updating this blog over the last several years, I am thinking it is time for it to come to a close. Things in life seem especially uncharted right now. I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom to an only child, but that is where I have found myself.

Thanks to all who stuck with me through infertility, pregnancy, new motherhood, and secondary infertility that I am still wading in. Wishing all of you happiness and love!

Update

After spotting and bleeding for 16 days, my body finally seemed to get back to "normal." I had a final blood draw yesterday and my hCG level was below 1, so the loss is over.  I can talk about it without crying but I am still sad. My grandma was the most helpful saying that there was most likely something wrong and the baby is luckier to be in heaven than to face serious medical hardships on earth. She also told me that it was nothing wrong that I did.

In trying to see the positives...

My body can get pregnant. There is a chance baby #2 will happen someday.

I channeled my sad energy into some house progress. Our daughter's room finally has all of the wallpaper glue removed, has one coat of primer up, and we have the paint colors chosen! The never ending room makeover should be complete before Easter!

I had two classes during my bleeding. They were both registered for before all of this happened and I was glad for the distraction. I am now re-certified in pediatric and child CPR/AED. And I now know how to make some simple fermented foods that will hopefully get all of our gut flora back to health! My daughter seems to be benefiting a little bit already, which is wonderful and makes me so happy!

Lent and a Prayer Request

Long time no blog! I am not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, but I am putting it out there in cyberspace anyways.

For lent this year I gave up Facebook, which has been surprisingly good! I started a meditation program based on a book I got at the library and it seems to be helping things. My husband and I decided to take 6 months off from worrying about getting pregnant (well, 6 months for ME to stop worrying...he says he hasn't been worried) and the meditation had me feeling hopeful about the future. Then this month I started spotting 4 days before my expected period and by the day of my expected period it hadn't gotten much heavier so I took a pregnancy test and got a very, very light positive (or so I thought...it was VERY light). I immediately called my doctor and they scheduled me for a blood draw to check hcg and progesterone the next morning (that would have been last Tuesday). I cancelled the appointment after I started seeing bright red blood and got a negative on a digital test the morning of the appointment. I assumed I had imagined that light positive the day before. But as of yesterday I was still bleeding (day 7 of pretty heavy bleeding) so my doctor had me come in for an hcg test and a thyroid level test. The hcg results came in about 2 hours ago...my hcg level confirmed that I had (am having?) a miscarriage. I am going in tomorrow for a pelvic ultrasound to check for any physical issues that may have caused this and the continuing bleeding I am having and to recheck the hcg to make sure it is falling as fast as they want it to.

For 18 months we've been trying and now this. I feel so numb. I really don't think anything could have prevented this, but I am kicking myself for not going to my previous appointment last week. Any prayers would be so appreciated as I figure out what is going on and wait for the bleeding to stop.