What I did differently

I know there was a lot of luck involved in us getting pregnant in April. There was also a lot of prayer (I truly believe my Grandma had something to do with it! When we told her we were pregnant she said, "There's only one baby in there? With how hard I've been praying I was expecting at least two!").

In addition to luck and prayers, I made some pretty big changes to my diet and daily habits in the 3-4 months prior to Ponyo. I made the changes because I wanted to feel like I was doing something to increase our chances of success even though my husband and I had both resigned ourselves to the fact that nothing would be possible until after my laparoscopy. I am by no means a medical expert, and I don't claim to be, but here are the changes I made based on what a friend dealing with infertility told me, lots of research online, and reading these books:

The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies by Randine Lewis  

Recipes for the Endometriosis Diet by Carolyn Levett 

Endometriosis: A Key to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition by Dian Shepperson Mills & Michael Vernon

The 9-Day Liver Detox Diet by Patrick Holford and Fiona McDonald Joyce

First, what my friend told me: She and her husband were seeing a specialist who was trained in NFP. Their doctor told them that over 30% of couples struggling with infertility conceive after 3 months of taking this combination of vitamins:

Vitamin C (1000 mg)
Calcium made with D3 (500mg)
D3 (2000 I.U.)
Magnesium (250 mg)
Stress B-Complex
Zinc (30 mg)
(My friend also took Flaxseed oil, which I skipped due to the warning about blood clotting and surgery risks)

I did some research and found that endometriosis and low progesterone can be linked to deficiencies in some of these vitamins (especially Magnesium). PCOS is also affected by these vitamins! I picked up the vitamins and the nice pharmacist at the grocery store even gave me a pill case to use so I wouldn't have to open 6 bottles every night when I took my many pills with dinner. I also gave my husband the same Vitamin C and D3 that I was taking as well as a normal multivitamin. Maybe it was a coincidence, but both my friend and I are now pregnant (due about 3 weeks apart) after both of us trying for about 2 years, which seems too weird.

I did some simple liver detox. In The Infertility Cure, I read that endometriosis can be caused by "stagnation of the liver." Sounds awesome, right? So I decided to read The 9-Day Liver Detox Diet. The detox book listed 5 habits to break:
1. Wheat
2. Milk
3. Caffeine
4. Alcohol
5. Bad fats

Interestingly, ALL FIVE of these things are to be avoided by women dealing with endometriosis (as mentioned in Recipes for the Endometriosis Diet and Endometriosis: A Key to Healing and Fertility Through Nutrition). So, I got super serious about going gluten free. No more cookies. No more sandwiches, or Triscuits (my fave snack!), or pita bread, or traditional pasta. I cut back on dairy. No more Kefir, limited cheese, limited yogurt, limited ice cream. I stopped drinking coffee, tea and alcohol. Once you cut out all of that, you pretty much cut out all bad fats, too, so that was taken care of!

I started drinking lemon water every morning. I started eating at least one serving of broccoli, spinach, or kale every day (these green veggies are good for you and also are known to help your body get rid of excess estrogens). 

To help rid my body of even more excess estrogen (excess estrogen is what causes endometriosis) I started using natural body products. I gave up scented soaps and used Kirk's Castile which is a coconut and vegetable glycerin soap. I started making my own deodorant out of coconut oil, baking soda, and arrowroot powder (I do still use normal deodorant for working out or very hot days even though the coconut deodorant works really well). I am still using my normal make-up and shampoo/conditioner although I am thinking of moving to healthier brands after I use everything I already have.

Because this post is getting so long, I'll do another where I'll write about the results I noticed after the changes.

Infertility clinic visit #3: Follicle u/s #2

Last Friday, The Bee and I went in for another follicle u/s as I hadn't gotten a + on the OPK's yet. I actually may have gotten a + that day...it was the darkest line I had seen, but that would mean I ovulated pretty late this cycle (OPK taken CD 16) and I am not sure if it was a true positive. Who knows? I am not certain of anything these days, why should a simple at home ovulation test be any different?

Anyhow, it was a different person doing the u/s so it was hard to know if she was seeing the same things or different things from the u/s I had on New Year's Eve. This u/s lady gave me this information:

• My ovaries are apparently very close together.
• She could see 3 things that she was guessing were cysts. Based on the size of them, I am inclined to believe they are some of the same 3 found on the ultrasound from 12/07/11  (from that u/s I was told I had 2 cysts on the left and 3 on the right. At THIS u/s she only mentioned 3 altogether...2 on one ovary and 1 on the other)
• She said these cysts looked like "chocolate cysts" which are a sign of endometriosis.
• In addition to the endometriosis on my left ovary (found on the u/s New Year's Eve) there is some on my right ovary as well. (See where this is going??)
• There was some fluid around my right ovary (which was the one we thought had a mature follicle New Year's Eve) but she said it was very hard to tell if it was a sign of ovulation or not.

She ordered a blood test to check my progesterone since it was unclear whether I ovulated or not. The clinic called the next day and gave me this info:

• My progesterone level was 3.3 which indicates that ovulation likely didn't occur this cycle or that it occurred very recently and the blood test was taken too early (they like to test 5-6 days after assumed ovulation).
• A progesterone level of greater than 4 means that ovulation likely occurred.
• A progesterone level of 15 or more indicates pregnancy.
• My doctor wants me to set up an appointment to discuss a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.

So that is where we are. I probably haven't been ovulating and it could be a result of endometriosis. I called my Mom to tell her the latest news. Endometriosis is found in women on both my Mom's and Dad's sides of my family. She told me that I have at least one aunt on each side who had surgery for it (after being unable to conceive) and then had success having at least one child, which I didn't know until yesterday. Unfortunately, I think that if I have the laparoscopy, it will need to wait until June so that I can take whatever recovery time I need without getting overly stressed about work (standing all day = not the best for recovery)/sub plans/little kids running into my sore abdomen. I feel very broken right now. I feel like I need to be fixed!

Oh Lord, please fix me! Or help the surgery fix me! I want this so badly and I am turning into a sad, unpleasant person through this painful experience! I don't even like myself most days. I feel angry, jealous, embarrassed, guilty, unworthy, hopeless. I ask You to create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 

I asked my Mom to talk to my Grandmother, a retired nurse specializing in gynecologic oncology, about the laparoscopy and if waiting 6 more months will allow for too much more damage. Her opinion was that, no, it would be fine to wait until summer but if it is causing me too much worry to do it asap. My Grandma also asked the name of my doctor so she can check up on her at the hospital she used to work at (that made me laugh a little but warmed my heart knowing my Grandma is looking out for me and The Bee and hoping for the same successes we are!).

We won't know if endometriosis is what we are facing unless I have the laparoscopy, though. The Bee asked me to wait until after his SA (scheduled for this Wednesday) to call to set up the appointment to discuss the procedure. I guess I would not be surprised if I have endometriosis. All along I've been answering the question, "Do you have painful periods?" with "No, I just take some ibuprofen and then I am usually fine. I've never missed work because of my period." But after talking to my Mom, I realize that cramping for a week and a half before my period is not normal. And the few times I've needed to sit down to prevent blacking out on the way to the kitchen to get ibuprofen when my period starts in the middle of the night is not normal. And my period getting heavier over the last 2 years is not a good sign. I always thought I had a less severe period than my older sister, who has endometriosis, and who used to actually pass out from the pain. She had my beautiful nephew relatively easily, though. It took her 9 months all together to conceive my nephew but she did sadly lose a pregnancy due to Rh factor 2 months before her successful pregnancy.

I feel angry that I didn't have kids sooner or take birth control pills. Both of those things help keep endometriosis at bay. I am digging deep to find hope and to believe that we will have a baby someday. Right now I just feel so lost.

Infertility clinic visit #2: Follicle u/s

On New Year's Eve morning, The Bee and I went in for my first follicle u/s. I was glad he was there with me again! Here is all of the info I got during the u/s:

(It was cycle day 10, for reference)

• One mature follicle (18.5) on my right ovary. No follicles on my left, which the u/s lady said was common for an unmedicated cycle.

• Lining (7.9) was described as "beautiful" as she was measuring.

• Slight endometriosis on left ovary, which made me sad. Although the u/s lady said it didn't look bad, shouldn't require surgery and shouldn't impair fertility.

She didn't say anything about any other cysts and I was too overwhelmed (this fertility stuff makes me emotional and tense, not calm or logical, unfortunately) to remember to ask. She recommended that we bd every 36-48 hours starting that night. If I don't get a + on the OPKs by Wednesday I am to call the doctor and set up another u/s. So far I haven't gotten a + but I am hoping that I will soon! I KNOW we have used the "right" days most of the months during the last year and a half, so I am doubting that this month will have a different outcome. I am praying a bit extra, though, and trying not to get too excited/stressed/consumed by it. I am reminding myself that we don't really know anything new yet and haven't started any treatment so this cycle is primarily for research/gathering info to see if my body is ovulating on its own.

The Bee is going to try to set up an appointment for his SA sometime this month. I am sticking with the higher calorie diet and haven't been drinking green tea. I have started drinking coffee again, though, but only one cup in the morning with breakfast and with cream, yum! I did the FitDay counting thing for one more day after posting about it...we'll see if I get back on that. I am not sure how helpful it will be for me since I don't measure stuff out while eating (nor do I have the time/desire to start doing so) and it is hard to enter in homemade foods accurately. 

Here's hoping that 2012 is a wonderful year!

Eat this:

In my quest to beef up a little (without actually eating any beef, ha!) I purchased the above pictured yogurt at the grocery store yesterday. Holy Hannah! Is it ever delicious! I packed some for The Bee's lunch, too, and we'll see what he says about it when he gets home. It pretty much tasted like whipped cream with my blueberries this morning!

In addition to eating whole fat dairy, I am going to try to keep track of my calories for a few days to get an idea of what I am actually consuming. One of my best gal pals had the idea and signed me up for FitDay when we got together for some crafting this afternoon. I figure it can't hurt anything and this girl is the one responsible for getting me and The Bee together in high school, she was there (hiding in the bushes and taking pictures) when The Bee proposed, she was one of my bridesmaids and she played a part in The Bee landing his new job. Plus she is just an amazingly kind, generous, supportive person. If the world had more of her walking around, it would be a much better place! She is largely responsible for many of the wonderful things in our lives (although she is so modest, she'd deny it) so I thought, "If she thinks this might help, I'll try it!" She also told me to immediately stop drinking green tea since that speeds up your metabolism. I started drinking green tea about 13 months into our ttc adventure because I decided that my morning coffee HAD to be responsible for my lack of pregnancy and green tea has less caffeine (and I read that it improves CM). Well, the tea hasn't helped anything so I don't mind giving it up!

Calorie counting was actually very telling. According to FitDay (assuming it is accurate) today I have eaten breakfast, lunch, a snack, dinner and dessert and have only consumed 1059 calories.

1059 seems freakishly low to me, but if it is true then that is definitely not helpful while The Bee and I are ttc. Using this calculator thingy I found online (also assuming it is accurate for the purpose of this blog entry) it says that for my age, height, weight and activity level I need 1630/day to maintain my current weight. Hmmm. This means:
A. These tools are inaccurate
B. I don't know how to use them properly
or
C. I need to seriously evaluate my food habits.

My general food rules are:
1. When you are hungry, eat.
2. When you are full, stop eating.
3. Aim for 3 meals a day (plus 1-3 snacks and dessert).
4. Make sure you have variety (in colors, textures, flavors, food groups) so that it is an enjoyable experience and you get all of the vitamins, etc that you need at the same time!

These rules have always served me well. I have, of course, overeaten when something I really like is on the plate (or in the bowl) such as french fries (or any other form of potato, for that matter), ice cream, pasta (in days of old, anyway), or tortilla chips with salsa/guacamole. Generally, though, I eat three meals a day, however many snacks I feel like I need and dessert if I want, then call it good. I am convinced my recent weight loss is caused by stress and the absence of gluten in my diet. I eat WAY more fruits and veggies now so I feel full but they don't carry much in the way of calories. I need to try to get more non-gluten grains like rice and quinoa into my daily meals and I bet that would help.

So, now I am going to go consume about 600 calories worth of chips and guacamole and hope for the best in this new experiment!

Infertility clinic visit #1

The appointment went really well today. I picked The Bee up at his work and we drove to the clinic together. Side note: It was the first time I have been to The Bee's office and, holy cow!, it is a BEAUTIFUL building with fanciness everywhere! It has tons of plants and fancy staircases and it is especially lovely right now because it was all decorated for Christmas!

Okay, back to the appointment...

We arrived at the clinic (which is only an 8 minute drive from The Bee's office, NICE!) and I had to sign some paper work saying that I understand that I am responsible for any payments for services that insurance won't cover. Then they took my picture (I tried to look good for the appointment but made the mistake of wearing my naturally curly hair down on a windy, December day - oops!) for my file (to prevent identity fraud, apparently). Then they weighed me (unfortunately I am down another pound, but more on that later) and took my blood pressure.

When I got to the exam room, I held my composure while the assistant took down a few more bits of information. She seemed a little uncomfortable asking The Bee if he had fathered any children and if he has had a semen analysis done (answer to both = no). Then she left and said the doctor would be in shortly.

The doctor came in about 5 minutes later and went over some of the records sent from my general physician and the specialist at my doctor's office. She asked us for our story so far and of course I started to cry! The Bee held my hand the whole time, though, which helped my cry substantially LESS than I have at all of the other appointments that I went to by myself. She was very nonjudgmental and also very kind. She seemed glad that I know a lot about my cycle (who wouldn't after 5 years of charting CM and 4.5 months of charting bbt?!) and hormones and what they do but at one point she did say that she was recommending an "Internet Moratorium." Haha! The Bee laughed pretty hard at that because all along he has been telling me not to look up all of the things that could possibly be wrong with me (it's not like I've told him I am insulin resistant, have a gluten allergy, have a "cold uterus" and hostile cervical mucus, low progesterone, a pituitary tumor...oh, NO...I have NEVER used the internet and test results to diagnose myself and in turn make myself completely cuckoo and practically impossible to live with! Not me!).

Her opinion, given the results from my previous blood tests and ultrasound, is that it may not be PCOS. She isn't ruling it out at this point, but said more testing needs to be done. She said I didn't have very many cysts and that they are larger than most PCOS patients have. At least 2 of them were like 2cm - which freaks me out a little because it sounds BIG (and not good) but she didn't seem concerned when I asked about it. She asked what cycle date the blood labs (cd 21 in November) and the u/s (cd 13 in December) were done and kind of seemed like, "Hmm...those are not the best days to do those tests..."

Then she asked what cycle date I am today. It is cd 2 (boo for AF over the holidays!) and she said it would be the perfect day to do the first blood work! So today they drew blood to test (from what I can remember) FSH, LH, prolactin (to see if that high level was a fluke in November or if my level is consistently high), estrogen, and androgens (which, of course, includes testosterone). That should help figure out if it is PCOS or something else, or something else and PCOS...here I go making myself crazy again! I also have an u/s scheduled for next Saturday morning (New Year's Eve!) to check my follicles. And I have to start using my ovulation predictor kit (thank you, Amanda, for the info about OPKs!) so that they can do another u/s 5 or 6 days after I get a + on it. Even though I don't know any new news, I feel like we are making progress! She also gave The Bee a referral for his SA. I will be glad (and possibly sad, mad, shocked...) to finally start to figure out what is going on with us!

She asked if we had any questions and I asked if my vegetarian diet could be part of the problem. She said it could be contributing if I am not getting enough protein and fats, but probably isn't the main issue. I told her about how I have cut out almost all gluten from my diet since August (due to constant stomachaches) but she seemed to think that less gluten = generally healthy.  And then I told her how now am worried about eating too much sugar (because of my self diagnosed insulin resistance after my sort-of diagnoses of PCOS) and too much dairy (after I read about all of the yucky hormones in, like, EVERY dairy product I eat). Through tears I asked, "How can I eat anything if I have to be a gluten-free, diabetic vegan?!"  She told me not to limit myself too much and that low BMI can cause problems while ttc. She actually recommended that I eat full fat, organic dairy from now on since my BMI is currently borderline low (not on purpose, I truly think it is stress!) and that I not worry about sugar at this point (but of course try to avoid refined sugar and processed food, which I think The Bee and I do a pretty good job of already). The sugar thing really makes me feel better because I love fruit and eat a lot of it (especially clementines and pineapple, which are pretty sugary). And the dairy thing made me feel better because I eat a lot of yogurt (with frozen blueberries in it) for protein and I LOVE cheese! I communicated that I have been trying everything I can think of to make better choices and to "fix" whatever I am doing wrong. She looked at me with the most gentle eyes and said, "You aren't doing anything wrong. You can't blame yourself for this, even though it is easy to go down that road. We will figure this out!"

She also told me to take care of myself (specifically make time for my YOGA and she recommended getting massages every once in a while). Oh! And the BEST part of the appointment today? The doctor actually TOLD me to STOP taking my bbt! She said that if you don't sleep consistently(which I don't) it is not very useful and it causes many women in my situation undue stress. So, hooray! No more bbt charting! Although now I have to start the OPKs...

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas:)

Ultrasound

This morning I had my pelvic ultrasound. It was pretty uneventful. They said I did a GREAT job drinking A LOT of water and not wetting myself - woohoo, another talent I had never considered before (I told them I am a teacher so I am used to not being able to pee when I need to and we had a good laugh)!

I was hoping I'd get some info today (like how thick my uterine lining is or how big any follicles I have are) but I didn't get anything!  I am CD 13 today so *if I am in fact even ovulating* I should be getting pretty darn close. According to my NFP observations from the LAST 5 YEARS and my bbt charts from the last 4 months, I am pretty regular as far as ovulating between CD 13-16 (CD 15 is actually my most common day of O). I was hoping they'd say, "Your lining is 8mm and you have a 20mm follicle ready to go! Have fun with your hubby tonight, tomorrow and Friday!" and then we would, and then in 2 weeks I'd pee on a stick and see "Pregnant" but no such luck. I did get to see my ovaries on the screen (the right one looked pretty much how I expected, the left one looked weird but I am not EXACTLY sure what else I could have been seeing...hoping they weren't cysts...). I asked what I'll be finding out from this and they said pretty much what my doctor said - just basic anatomy stuff.

The ultrasound technician asked if I had used Clomid or anything yet. I said, "No, I want to know if I am even ovulating on my own first." And she said she was the same way. Everything had been regular for her but she didn't get pregnant until she was put on Clomid. The other person in the room (the u/s tech's student who was doing all of the recording) asked if I have used ovulation predictor kits before. I told her that I haven't, but I have one at home that I plan to use next cycle. I was going to use it this cycle but since my cycle was short last time and I was uber stressed, I just didn't bother. Plus, I already take my dumb temperature every morning and peeing in a little cup and dipping that paper strip into it just does not seem like the most delightful thing to do at 5:30am. Ugh. I need a job where I get to sleep in later! I WILL use it next cycle, though, since now I have read the instructions and everything. As for this month? We are trying to BD every other night and so far so good! We have done every other day and even every day in the past, though, and it didn't work out. I am trying to be hopeful without being TOO hopeful!

As for the rest of the day (since I called in sick, hee hee!) - I went shopping and got the new Zelda game (or what I called "The Sword of Whatever" Thankfully the guy at the store knew exactly what I was talking about) for The Bee for Christmas. I know he will be so excited! I also got some socks with grippy stuff on the bottom for one of our nieces (who is 1.5 years) and runs EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME and slips a lot. I know, she'll be super excited to open those (not!). I took a nap, did some dishes, read Harry Potter and now need to tackle the laundry. Tonight we are going to celebrate The Bee's Grandmother's 90th birthday! She has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home now so everyone is gathering there to see her and eat some cake.

Unrelated funny story - I started taking yoga classes last month (thanks to The Bee for getting me a CorePower Groupon for my birthday!) and there is a studio right by my school. Well, on Sunday I went to an afternoon class and it was really crowded so the instructor asked everyone to squish so we could fit 3 more people in the studio. I was on the end by the wall so I scooted closer to the wall and one of the 3 put their mat down by me...and...IT WAS ONE OF MY 8TH GRADERS FROM SCHOOL! I didn't say anything to him because I didn't know if he even recognized me in my yoga clothes, I didn't want to embarrass him, and you have to be silent in the studio anyways. It wasn't bad, it was just a surprise! Yesterday at school another 8th grade boy who stops in and helps in my classroom during recess asked, "So, you take yoga with _________, huh?" and I just started to laugh. Next time I'll have to say "Hi" or at least "Namaste."

My first appointment

I had my first appointment November 22, 2011 at 7pm. I chose this day and time for several reasons:
1. I followed my doctor's orders from August and had completed 3 months of bbt charting
2. It was late enough in the day that I didn't have to miss any work or make sub plans (I HATE making sub plans!)
3. It was our last day of school before a 5 day weekend over Thanksgiving (I figured this would give me more than enough time to compose myself before being back in the classroom if I was a complete wreck after the appointment).

I took it easy that day at work, knowing that the kids would be crazy (being the last day of our first trimester at school and the last day before 5 glorious days off!) and that many of my students would be gone on vacation already (the families at my school are notorious for taking off early before any scheduled break). So I pretty much got to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 7 times and had the kids draw Peanuts characters in their sketchbooks (we are in Minnesota so I gave a mini lesson on Charles Schultz who was a Minnesota born artist which made me feel a little less guilty about being so lazy!) while I finished up my grades for all of my 360 kids.

At 3:20, I shot out of school like a bat out of hell. I wanted to shower and make myself look polished for the appointment. I knew if I went in looking like what Oprah calls a 'shlumpadinka' I would feel rotten from the get go and cry through the whole appointment. So, I showered, put on a new dress and cardigan that I got while visiting my sister in Wisconsin the previous weekend, a pair of cute tights and my favorite slouch boots.  I blow-dried and flat-ironed my hair and did my make-up.  I ate dinner by myself (The Bee was working late that night) and called my Mom. By 6:15 I was on the road.

I got to the appointment 10 minutes early, checked in, and started reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in the waiting room (I know I am way behind the times...I refused to read the Harry Potter series when they came out but my brother-in-law finally convinced me and they are really fun!). They called me in, weighed me (I've lost 5lbs since August, btw, which is either due to stress, the gluten free [well, gluten-greatly-limited] diet I put myself on last August because my stomach was always hurting, my new yoga classes or a combination of these things. This puts me at about 108lbs and my Mom is CONVINCED that I just need to gain weight since that worked for her with her 4th pregnancy which took over a year for my parents to conceive. If I thought it was that easy, trust me, I'd be pigging out! And I am only 5'4" so I am not skeletal or anything.), took my temperature and blood pressure. Then she asked me why I was there. This is still the nurses aide, mind you, and not even the doctor. And I cried. I told her that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year with no luck. I told her that my doctor asked me to chart my bbt for three months and then schedule this appointment. She said, "I am so sorry that this is so hard on you. You'll get through it. Lots of people struggle through things like this and you are not alone" She was very sweet and I appreciated her patience and the Kleenex she kept handing to me while she asked all of the normal questions (about smoking, alcohol, caffeine, my cycles, has my husband been tested, etc).

Then I waited for the doctor. It was a very long 20 minutes before the she came in but at least good old Harry Potter was there for me. She came in, asked a few questions and looked at my Fertility Friend charts. And I cried. I asked about my low temperatures and she said they are within normal range and probably nothing to worry about. She asked if we were interested in fertility drugs. I asked if it looked like I am not ovulating on my own? She said it looks like I am, but for November she is pretty sure I ovulated 4 days later than Fertility Friend said I did (which would mean cd19 which would be really late for me from what I have always observed using NFP...although that has obviously not worked so well for us! Ha!). She gave me a referral for the fertility specialist who actually does fertility treatments (the doctor I saw just does the testing), gave me a paper ordering a pelvic ultrasound and ordered some blood tests to check some hormone levels. Then I was off to the lab!

The lab guy is the same one who took my blood in August to check my thyroid levels (which were good!). He is a painter and had told me in August to make time for my own art. He remembered me and asked if I had been painting. I said, "Not as much as I'd like." Then he asked how my day was going. I said, "Oh, it has been good." And then I cried. He said, "Why are you crying?! You lied to me! Your day hasn't been good at all!" I replied, "Work was fine. The reason I am here just really stinks." Then he said, "Do you KNOW that or are you assuming the worst?" "I guess I am assuming the worst," I cried. "Well, these results will tell you a lot and you should get a call about them as early as Friday. Take care of yourself, and paint!"

On my way out of the doctor's office, I stopped at the appointment desk to set up the pelvic ultrasound. The doctor said it is "just to check for basic anatomy." I have that set for December 7 and have to make sub plans - YUCK! I decided to take the whole day off, using one of the many sick days I have been saving for the maternity leave THAT I HAVEN'T NEEDED. I have only used 1.5 sick days in the 3 years and 4 months I have been a teacher and we can only carry over 30. I am at 30.5 and since I am not having a baby this school year I am using the day without feeling bad (even though we can't use sick days for scheduled doctor's appointments!).

Sorry for the long post. I'll make it to be continued...

Exclusion

At my school there are three (3!) teachers expecting their first babies next spring. They are due in March, April and May. Two of them know that The Bee and I have been ttc for over a year. These two have been my friends since my first year teaching. One of them started teaching the same year as me so we sort of have this special bond. We have done ski club together with our school for the last 2 years. I was there when she picked out her wedding dress (which was gorgeous on her and had the cutest pockets). I helped her with tasks for her wedding reception last fall. We even took snowboarding lessons together (along with The Bee) last winter.

And then she got pregnant. She and her husband decided to go off the pill in July. She got pregnant in August (even though they didn't want to get pregnant until October). I sat with her in the nurses office at school when she was having bad cramping in September. I took over her partner teacher's (who is the other pregnant friend) class on one of my preps so they could chat while she (still) laid in the nurses office.

Now I listen to them talk at lunch about their pickle cravings and how tired they are. How they don't worry if they forget to take their prenatal vitamins and how they take still take ibuprofen for headaches.  (I, on the other hand, have been taking Tylenol whenever I have headaches or cramps *just in case* and have been religiously taking those darn vitamins for 17 months!). I know I sound all complainy but I am really happy for them both.

Here comes the not-so-cool part. I have become the excluded. It is mainly a lunch thing (how junior high is that?!). Here are two conversations from the past 2 days:

Yesterday, as I am making tea to have with lunch:
4th grade teacher: Gosh, it is COLD in here!
Me: Yeah, I heard they are still trying to fix the boilers.
Pregnant teacher friend (PTF): Oh, tea! That's a good idea. (looking at other pregnant teacher) I have some tea in my room if we want some. (looking back at me) Oh, wait, I guess WE can't have tea.

Today:
PhyEd Teacher: So, are any of you planning on doing ski club this year?
PTF: I can't. I am SO sad!
PhyEd Teacher (looking at me): Are you going to?
Me: I'm planning on it! And my husband will probably come, too!
PTF: I am SO sad that I can't! That was, like, the FIRST thing I thought when I found out I was, you know, pregnant. How SAD it is that I can't snowboard this year.
PhyEd Teacher (to me): Yeah, your husband should come!
PTF: I just got a flyer in the mail from the the ski place and I was just upset. My husband said "You should just give it to The Bird since SHE can use it."
Me: Sure, thanks.
PTF: I REALLY wanted to do it this year but it probably isn't a good idea.
Me: Yeah, I am pretty sure they say snowboarding isn't the safest. People can take some hard spills. Maybe next year, right?
PTF: Yeah. I hope YOU have fun this year, though.

Okay, in writing, those conversations don't look that bad. I tried not to be sensitive about it. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. But it definitely seems like she has a chip on her shoulder about something. Shouldn't I be the grouchy one? Goodness gracious. And, for the record, I'd rather be pregnant right now than be able to snowboard this winter, thankyouverymuch.

History

I have been married to The Bee for just over four years now.  We are high school sweethearts so we've really been together for 10 years (that looks crazy in writing but it has indeed been a decade!).  We waited to have sex until our honeymoon (gasp!) which most of our high school friends still don't know. We find it hilarious that a few of the guys practically obsess over it now and again - Did you or didn't you?! I'll go into the waiting 'til marriage stuff another time - please don't write me off as judgemental or a prude.

We have been using Natural Family Planning (NFP) all along. I use the Creighton Model where you record cervical mucus (cm) observations only (no physically checking your cervix or charting basal body temperature [bbt]). For the first 3 years of marriage, we were still getting our career lives in order and used NFP to avoid pregnancy. I was in my masters program for education our first year of marriage and then in my first 2 years teaching visual arts to elementary and middle schoolers. The Bee was looking for work that actually used his degrees in Math and Physics (he is a brainiac!). I can go more into NFP in later posts (why we chose that as our family planning method and such).

We decided to start trying to conceive (ttc) on our third anniversary. Because my cycles have always been pretty regular and I have been charting fertile signs since a year before we were married, we thought it would happen right away for us. No such luck. As of today, we have been ttc for 15 months. I saw my doctor in August and she told me to start charting my bbt and then to see the fertility specialist at the clinic after 3 months.  Last week, I called and made the appointment. I'll be meeting with her before Thanksgiving, which is sort of a relief but also feels like failure. So many people can reproduce with no trouble, no outside help, even by accident!  I am from a large family and never imagined being in this spot. Technically, I COULD be pregnant as I type this. I'll find out officially on Halloween. I don't think I am, though, and my bbt chart doesn't look promising. 

That is why I am starting this blog. I have become consumed by my inability to become pregnant, to be a mother. I cry too often. I feel angry and resentful too easily. I am still excited when others announce their pregnancies but it hurts a little, too. I hope that writing my thoughts provides some comfort and helps me on my path to becoming myself again (I've always been a crier, but the anger and resentfulness are new - and they feel AWFUL).