We took the plunge...

I sent my resignation to my new principal almost 2 weeks ago. My last official day of availability is this Wednesday, but I turned in my keys and school laptop this morning. I was glad that many of my co-workers happened to be at school today so I got to do some real farewells. I am excited for more time with my family, but also terrified about being unemployed. I have had a steady job for the last 14 years! Almost half of my 30 years! And, let's be honest...I will miss my co-workers, students, the excitement of the hustle and bustle of classes. And I already miss my lunch breaks, even though they were usually only 25 minutes long! Ha!

Things I have noticed about being home full-time so far (that I don't want to forget as I settle in to this "stay at home" thing):

1. I never get as much done as I hope. The world doesn't end, though, if that load of laundry doesn't get put away today.

2. I enjoy cooking REAL food! During school my cooking had to be quick things...now I actually have enough time home before dinner to, like, make baked potatoes in the oven instead of the microwave and use fresh squeezed lemon juice in recipes instead of the bottled stuff. We have been eating so much better in the last few weeks!

3. It is amazing to spend all day with my kid. She is (mostly) a real joy to be around.

4. I have gotten more reading done in the last few weeks than I had January-June. Not because I have time during the day, but because I let myself have some time at night (instead of freaking out about getting everything ready for daycare, or fretting about lesson plans).

5. My husband and I have been fighting less. We have some damage control to take care of. Things got pretty bad after I returned to work in August, especially starting in January. Too much stress, not enough time together. Work was eating both of us. We were really suffering as a couple. Right now, the reduced income for our family seems a small price to pay for getting our marriage back on track.

6. I am tired at the end of the day, but not downright exhausted and beat. I am not tired to the point of tears.

Although my school keys and computer are returned, I still have a bit of work to do on my curriculum maps for the new teacher. I want things to be really easy for her/him. I want the art program to continue being successful. So, that is going to be looming large until I finish. My goal is before August 1, which is when the curriculum software archives for the new school year.

For now, I will leave you with a picture of the girl who gets all my time these days :)

Do you iron for your husband?

Almost radio silence on Monday's post (thanks for your thoughts, Megan!). I've been doing some reading on grief, so hopefully I will know what to do/say next time I see her/write to her/call her. In my research I realized that I hadn't even considered how hard Mother's Day will be for her. Her first Mother's Day and her little boy won't be with her. On Mother's Day, he will have been gone for almost exactly 5 months. He should have been 7 months old in May. I'll be sending some sort of "thinking of you" card and maybe a seed packet of forget-me-nots.

Moving on to ironing...

This morning, my husband got home around 3am, after leaving for work TUESDAY MORNING AT 8:30am. His job is out of control and craptastic to the max right now. Well, this morning he had to go to a client's office instead of his regular office, so he wanted to look sharper than usual. He has known about this for a few weeks and had the outfit picked out (pants, dress shirt, tie all from Express that fit him like. a. glove.). Anyhow, after doing night care of the babe (the TEETHING babe with a possible EAR INFECTION starting) I probably only got as much sleep as mister "I work 'til 3am and don't see my family." So, this morning at 6:30 I am trying to get Felicia back to sleep for the umpteenth time when my husband's alarm starts going off. I am simultaneously comforting the babe and kicking the man out of bed. He rolled out of bed at 7:02. He was shooting to leave home at 7:30 to get to the client's office. He showers quickly, then freaks out because he hasn't shaved his scruffy face and his pants haven't been ironed. I get up and ask him what he needs me to do. He glares (overly tired men are really like women). I ask/yell "WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO DO TO HELP YOU?" "My pants, my pants!" he cries. To be fair, I guess I couldn't have shaved for him. But I was tired and not being logical when I asked what he needed me to do. In my defense, he should be able to ask me to iron his pants instead of just getting mad and expecting me to offer. So, I iron his pants. I do the best I can, but I am not good at ironing! I avoid it at all costs, in fact.

So, ladies...Do you iron for your husbands? I feel like I should watch some youtube tutorials or something and get better, but I don't want The Bee to expect that I will be his personal ironing slave, especially when I am home next year.

Now, because I am overly tired and have only had 2 sips of coffee thus far and it seems like a big deal this very moment...I have to share that I missed buzzing in the diaper service because I was ironing said pants for my husband. GREAT. Now we have a week's worth of dirty diapers to hang on to for another week. And possibly no clean diapers for the coming 7 days. Hopefully they left the cleans in the lobby. I'll have to wait to check, though, because that teething, ear infection suffering girl is now SOUND ASLEEP at 8:15am.

And in case it is unclear, I really do love my husband. I just hate his job.

Gentle Eyes and Baklava

Warning: You will probably think I am the most crazy, insecure woman in the world after reading this. I am hoping this level of pathetic-ness passes. Right now I am really, really struggling with our infertility. Especially because it is a result of something wrong with me. I am not even kidding when I say that I think "Catholic guilt" is a real thing. I feel SO guilty even though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Okay. Here it is...

Last night The Bee got home at 10pm. So much for our 8:30 dinner! Oh well!

I ended up texting my Mom before he got home because around 7:30 or so I just broke down into giant, guttural sobs. I decided that The Bee will surely think that I am not worth the effort any more. He can probably find a great girl who will love him AND can have babies, too. I kind of know this is crazy, and I am feeling a little bit better today, but I do have this extreme sense of guilt. Like I am keeping him from something wonderful that he really deserves to have in his life. I know that if roles were reversed, I wouldn't love him any differently. He is the best man I can imagine and I didn't marry him just so I could have his offspring. But roles are not reversed and something that is wrong with my body is stopping us from creating a family together. I also know that when I hear of other couples struggling with infertility I don't think of them as "damaged" or less valuable than fertile people. That just doesn't make sense! So, why, then, do I feel these things about myself?

When he got home I was flopped on the couch with a plate of cold dinner and was talking on the phone to my Mom (who called me after my pathetic text about infertility). I had such a headache from all of the crying! After I was off the phone, he sat down by me and put his arm around me. I told him how sorry I am and that I wish I could fix whatever is wrong with me. I told him that I am sorry that I am the only reason he is not a father yet.

He has these huge, gentle eyes. He is a very handsome man, if I say so myself! Well, he looked at me with those eyes and said, "It really hasn't been very long that I've been ready to be a father. And I only want to be a parent with you. I think we will still have babies. We're not that old and we're finding out what we need to do. A lot of people don't even try to have kids until they are a lot older than us. We have time. We're not behind. I don't feel like we are missing anything yet. And I brought you this..."

Then he handed me a plastic container that I had sent part of his lunch in that morning. Only now there weren't any orange slices in it. It was a little piece of baklava. One of my very favorite indulgences. I've actually only had it once in my life at the most amazing dinner party I have ever been to, but I talk about it a lot when desserts come up. Since he and a bunch of other people were at work so late, the company ordered dinner for them from a Greek restaurant and he thought I'd like to have a piece of the baklava they had for dessert. Of course it made me start crying all over again. Little things like that show that he really thinks I am worth the effort. I hope he doesn't change his mind.

The BEST hug

I might be biased, but I am pretty sure that The Bee gives the best hugs.

in the universe.

ever.

Last night he got home at 11:45pm (blech!) and I woke up while he was getting ready for bed. I don't even think I said anything, I just made an "I'm awake!" sound and opened my arms in his direction. He came right to me and hugged me nice and tight for quite a while. We didn't even talk. We just hugged. And he kissed the top of my head. And it was wonderful.