We took the plunge...

I sent my resignation to my new principal almost 2 weeks ago. My last official day of availability is this Wednesday, but I turned in my keys and school laptop this morning. I was glad that many of my co-workers happened to be at school today so I got to do some real farewells. I am excited for more time with my family, but also terrified about being unemployed. I have had a steady job for the last 14 years! Almost half of my 30 years! And, let's be honest...I will miss my co-workers, students, the excitement of the hustle and bustle of classes. And I already miss my lunch breaks, even though they were usually only 25 minutes long! Ha!

Things I have noticed about being home full-time so far (that I don't want to forget as I settle in to this "stay at home" thing):

1. I never get as much done as I hope. The world doesn't end, though, if that load of laundry doesn't get put away today.

2. I enjoy cooking REAL food! During school my cooking had to be quick things...now I actually have enough time home before dinner to, like, make baked potatoes in the oven instead of the microwave and use fresh squeezed lemon juice in recipes instead of the bottled stuff. We have been eating so much better in the last few weeks!

3. It is amazing to spend all day with my kid. She is (mostly) a real joy to be around.

4. I have gotten more reading done in the last few weeks than I had January-June. Not because I have time during the day, but because I let myself have some time at night (instead of freaking out about getting everything ready for daycare, or fretting about lesson plans).

5. My husband and I have been fighting less. We have some damage control to take care of. Things got pretty bad after I returned to work in August, especially starting in January. Too much stress, not enough time together. Work was eating both of us. We were really suffering as a couple. Right now, the reduced income for our family seems a small price to pay for getting our marriage back on track.

6. I am tired at the end of the day, but not downright exhausted and beat. I am not tired to the point of tears.

Although my school keys and computer are returned, I still have a bit of work to do on my curriculum maps for the new teacher. I want things to be really easy for her/him. I want the art program to continue being successful. So, that is going to be looming large until I finish. My goal is before August 1, which is when the curriculum software archives for the new school year.

For now, I will leave you with a picture of the girl who gets all my time these days :)

Something to look forward to...

I got an e-mail today from a henna artist inviting me to do a gig with her in June! We have a connection through a family friend and she actually taught me how to do henna almost 10 years ago! This is extremely exciting for me...after a nightmarish experience teaching art at a summer program last year, The Bee and I decided I would NEVER AGAIN teach art in the summer! It was my 3rd year teaching the program at a school with dream-like art facilities (think 3+ sinks in every room as opposed to my sink-less classroom) and really generally nice kids. The main problem was that I had very large classes with huge age ranges...imagine classes of 30 students ages 6-15 in the same class...yes, kids entering first grade thrown in with kids entering 10th and all that's in between! Not sure why anyone would think that is a good idea!

The henna artist and I were in contact last year but I was unable to do the couple events she invited me to work due to my summer program and also a bit of traveling that I did. I was wondering if I had missed my opportunity because I had to decline more than once. I am thrilled and hope it works out! A part-time, event based summer job that is still art related but is not confined to a classroom with kids...sounds perfect!

Hip Hip Hooray!

No, I am not with child.

However, I am officially on Christmas vacation! Seventeen (yes, you read that correctly...17) glorious days off (including weekends, of course)! I love my job and I love my students but I am so thankful for this break. It will involve lots of Christmas stuff (obviously!), extra yoga sessions (I can go to the daytime classes for 2 weeks! No more yoga at 7:30pm until 2012!), writing 'Thank You' notes to students, some work in my classroom (hopefully not too much but I definitely have some grading to catch up on!), sewing, painting, crafting, reading, getting my hair done, deep cleaning the fridge, getting the laundry back under control, trying some new recipes...it will be great.

To kick it off I am getting together with some friends from work (2 with kids, 2 preggos, 2 singletons). I haven't gotten together with this bunch since last June (when only I was trying to get pregnant, ugh). Thankfully, spouses are invited so The Bee can help me remain calm and collected. I don't really anticipate anything horrible. I am just a little nervous someone might ask us about why we aren't pregnant yet. Hopefully they won't. They probably won't. It has just become my worst fear in social settings. A few weeks ago even a high school friend of ours (a single male) asked The Bee, "So, what's taking you so long, big guy?" in front of a bunch of our friends at a restaurant. Since when do single dudes want their married friends popping out babies?! Am I safe nowhere?!

Tomorrow will be even better. I get to see my best friend (who I haven't seen since October!). She and her husband are sort of going through the same thing as me and The Bee so she is one person I am safe around and can talk candidly to.

Also: Yesterday I called the fertility clinic I was referred to by my doctor. They took all of my contact info and said a scheduler would call me, probably within 24 hours. Well, gosh-darn-it, they didn't call and now the office is closed until Monday. At least I am on break so I can answer my phone a lot more easily next week and/or call them 3 million times to get something on the calendar!

Waiting for the test results (and all that happened in the meantime)

The day after my appointment was spent working in my classroom (I had the day off from work, but the Bee was at work all day), going to yoga class and cleaning the kitchen in preparation for the food I'd be making the next morning. The Bee made risotto for dinner (he is an excellent cook!) and we snuggled on the couch and watched Star Trek: TNG.

The next day was Thanksgiving. I made butternut squash soup, apple crisp (the easiest yet most delicious recipe ever that I got from my best friend) and rolls.  The Bee and I went to my Grandma's for lunch. Not much was out of the ordinary there, except that my crazy uncle brought a gun. Yes, a giant handgun that he had in a holster on a belt with bullets all along it. No one asked about it because we didn't want to draw attention to his weirdness. My theory is that the gun is his new "power piece." He got a bluetooth years ago before anyone else had them and wore it to every family function (holidays, birthday parties, funerals). Now that those are common, he decided to wear a gun instead. No one got shot and it was a pretty mellow Thanksgiving celebration.

From there, we drove to The Bee's parents' place for dinner. My Mom came with (my parents got divorced 2 years ago and my siblings celebrate with my Dad's family after my Mom's family, leaving my Mom alone on a lot of holidays) and brought a pomegranate for the Bee's parents. For some reason she didn't want to give it to them, so I carried it in and handed it to the Bee saying, "Here, can you give this to your Mom and tell her it's from my Mom?" My sister-in-law (the pregnant one with the 2-year-old twins) saw our awkward exchange and asked excitedly, "Oh! Are you trying to announce something?!" My eyes got wide and I quickly replied, "No. Nooooo!" and excused myself from the kitchen because the tears started welling up in my eyes. That was the first of about 20 million questions and comments about babies (Your babies will be so well rounded, good at math, science and art. When you have babies someday you'll understand. When will you join the baby club? You're the last ones who need to have a baby!) from several of our relatives. I only almost cried about 5 times but held my composure until we were on the way home.  The Bee called his Mom the following Saturday and told her what we've been going through for over a year and that we are starting testing and that she can let the rest of the family know. He didn't know I was listening in on some of the conversation and told his Mom, "All of the comments and questions are just becoming too much for The Bird to handle."

The Friday after Thanksgiving we slugged around in our pj's and drank coffee together. We don't do the whole "Black Friday" thing. That evening I went to Breaking Dawn: Part I with one of my girlfriends (um, if an undead vampire guy and human chick can get pregnant from having sex, like, one time, what the heck is wrong with us?!), ate good Indian food, and helped her set up her Christmas tree. We had some great conversations about what we've been struggling with. The Bee and I with our desire to start a family and her recent break-up with her boyfriend of almost 5 years. It made me realize that most people are struggling with SOMETHING. I am very blessed to have a wonderful man who loves me and who I get to spend the rest of my life with! Oh, also, I GOT MY PERIOD. WHICH WASN'T SUPPOSED TO COME FOR 6-7 MORE DAYS. So much for the cycles that I thought were so regular. I am hoping it was just major stress induced.

Saturday we celebrated our youngest nephew's first birthday. He is such a great little guy. I am a lucky aunt because I get to hang out with the little dude for an hour or two each Monday between when my sister leaves for her bell choir practice and my brother-in-law gets home from work. We pretty much have a special bond already, which is fun:)

Sunday was uneventful. I skipped my yoga class because my period was so heavy that I didn't think I'd be able to do half of the poses anyway. (Sorry if that is tmi, it really sucked and I need to vent a little). We finally got our  Christmas tree up and decorated (usually we do that the Friday after Thanksgiving but it just didn't happen this year).

Monday I was back to work making art with my students. I was feeling pretty low but my spirit was lifted by the funny things my school kids say and do. I am lucky to have a job where I get to laugh a lot (not that it is without stress...painting with 50+ kids a day in an art room with no sink [not even one close by!] can be a challenge and I get exhausted by classroom management sometimes [why can't every kid just be nice to everyone and love art as much as me all of the time?!]). I didn't get a call from my doctor's office but decided not to call them until Tuesday.

With Tuesday came more art at school. I called my doctor on my lunch break and was routed to her voicemail. She called me back while I was teaching 6th grade and I picked up the message right after school ended. I called and left another voicemail. I decided to call again after getting home from work (I wanted to see if I could actually talk to her because she was only in the office until 7 and I had to leave at 6:45 for my yoga class). Finally, she was available to talk. She said all of my hormone levels were great except for one, which was a little high. If The Bee and I weren't having trouble in the baby department, the increased level wouldn't be of any concern, but they wanted to completely rule it out as the cause. My high level was prolactin, which is the hormone responsible for preventing ovulation in women who are nursing (and also is responsible for breast milk production). Normal levels for non-pregnant, non-nursing women is between 5 and 23. My level was 30. They wanted me to get and MRI to check for a tumor on my pituitary gland (which is responsible for the production and regulation of prolactin, among other things) but she said that my level of 30 made it very unlikely that I had a tumor and even very unlikely that it would prevent normal ovulation. The MRI is just the next step in the laundry list of infertility tests based on my blood levels. The hospital called me and set up my MRI for the next evening.

My first appointment

I had my first appointment November 22, 2011 at 7pm. I chose this day and time for several reasons:
1. I followed my doctor's orders from August and had completed 3 months of bbt charting
2. It was late enough in the day that I didn't have to miss any work or make sub plans (I HATE making sub plans!)
3. It was our last day of school before a 5 day weekend over Thanksgiving (I figured this would give me more than enough time to compose myself before being back in the classroom if I was a complete wreck after the appointment).

I took it easy that day at work, knowing that the kids would be crazy (being the last day of our first trimester at school and the last day before 5 glorious days off!) and that many of my students would be gone on vacation already (the families at my school are notorious for taking off early before any scheduled break). So I pretty much got to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 7 times and had the kids draw Peanuts characters in their sketchbooks (we are in Minnesota so I gave a mini lesson on Charles Schultz who was a Minnesota born artist which made me feel a little less guilty about being so lazy!) while I finished up my grades for all of my 360 kids.

At 3:20, I shot out of school like a bat out of hell. I wanted to shower and make myself look polished for the appointment. I knew if I went in looking like what Oprah calls a 'shlumpadinka' I would feel rotten from the get go and cry through the whole appointment. So, I showered, put on a new dress and cardigan that I got while visiting my sister in Wisconsin the previous weekend, a pair of cute tights and my favorite slouch boots.  I blow-dried and flat-ironed my hair and did my make-up.  I ate dinner by myself (The Bee was working late that night) and called my Mom. By 6:15 I was on the road.

I got to the appointment 10 minutes early, checked in, and started reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in the waiting room (I know I am way behind the times...I refused to read the Harry Potter series when they came out but my brother-in-law finally convinced me and they are really fun!). They called me in, weighed me (I've lost 5lbs since August, btw, which is either due to stress, the gluten free [well, gluten-greatly-limited] diet I put myself on last August because my stomach was always hurting, my new yoga classes or a combination of these things. This puts me at about 108lbs and my Mom is CONVINCED that I just need to gain weight since that worked for her with her 4th pregnancy which took over a year for my parents to conceive. If I thought it was that easy, trust me, I'd be pigging out! And I am only 5'4" so I am not skeletal or anything.), took my temperature and blood pressure. Then she asked me why I was there. This is still the nurses aide, mind you, and not even the doctor. And I cried. I told her that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year with no luck. I told her that my doctor asked me to chart my bbt for three months and then schedule this appointment. She said, "I am so sorry that this is so hard on you. You'll get through it. Lots of people struggle through things like this and you are not alone" She was very sweet and I appreciated her patience and the Kleenex she kept handing to me while she asked all of the normal questions (about smoking, alcohol, caffeine, my cycles, has my husband been tested, etc).

Then I waited for the doctor. It was a very long 20 minutes before the she came in but at least good old Harry Potter was there for me. She came in, asked a few questions and looked at my Fertility Friend charts. And I cried. I asked about my low temperatures and she said they are within normal range and probably nothing to worry about. She asked if we were interested in fertility drugs. I asked if it looked like I am not ovulating on my own? She said it looks like I am, but for November she is pretty sure I ovulated 4 days later than Fertility Friend said I did (which would mean cd19 which would be really late for me from what I have always observed using NFP...although that has obviously not worked so well for us! Ha!). She gave me a referral for the fertility specialist who actually does fertility treatments (the doctor I saw just does the testing), gave me a paper ordering a pelvic ultrasound and ordered some blood tests to check some hormone levels. Then I was off to the lab!

The lab guy is the same one who took my blood in August to check my thyroid levels (which were good!). He is a painter and had told me in August to make time for my own art. He remembered me and asked if I had been painting. I said, "Not as much as I'd like." Then he asked how my day was going. I said, "Oh, it has been good." And then I cried. He said, "Why are you crying?! You lied to me! Your day hasn't been good at all!" I replied, "Work was fine. The reason I am here just really stinks." Then he said, "Do you KNOW that or are you assuming the worst?" "I guess I am assuming the worst," I cried. "Well, these results will tell you a lot and you should get a call about them as early as Friday. Take care of yourself, and paint!"

On my way out of the doctor's office, I stopped at the appointment desk to set up the pelvic ultrasound. The doctor said it is "just to check for basic anatomy." I have that set for December 7 and have to make sub plans - YUCK! I decided to take the whole day off, using one of the many sick days I have been saving for the maternity leave THAT I HAVEN'T NEEDED. I have only used 1.5 sick days in the 3 years and 4 months I have been a teacher and we can only carry over 30. I am at 30.5 and since I am not having a baby this school year I am using the day without feeling bad (even though we can't use sick days for scheduled doctor's appointments!).

Sorry for the long post. I'll make it to be continued...

Gratitude : Day 3

Today I am thankful for the power of the "teacher glare" that I have pretty much had mastered for my entire life (Thanks, Mom!). It sure came in handy today with my third, fifth and seventh graders who were all kooky-crazy!

Exclusion

At my school there are three (3!) teachers expecting their first babies next spring. They are due in March, April and May. Two of them know that The Bee and I have been ttc for over a year. These two have been my friends since my first year teaching. One of them started teaching the same year as me so we sort of have this special bond. We have done ski club together with our school for the last 2 years. I was there when she picked out her wedding dress (which was gorgeous on her and had the cutest pockets). I helped her with tasks for her wedding reception last fall. We even took snowboarding lessons together (along with The Bee) last winter.

And then she got pregnant. She and her husband decided to go off the pill in July. She got pregnant in August (even though they didn't want to get pregnant until October). I sat with her in the nurses office at school when she was having bad cramping in September. I took over her partner teacher's (who is the other pregnant friend) class on one of my preps so they could chat while she (still) laid in the nurses office.

Now I listen to them talk at lunch about their pickle cravings and how tired they are. How they don't worry if they forget to take their prenatal vitamins and how they take still take ibuprofen for headaches.  (I, on the other hand, have been taking Tylenol whenever I have headaches or cramps *just in case* and have been religiously taking those darn vitamins for 17 months!). I know I sound all complainy but I am really happy for them both.

Here comes the not-so-cool part. I have become the excluded. It is mainly a lunch thing (how junior high is that?!). Here are two conversations from the past 2 days:

Yesterday, as I am making tea to have with lunch:
4th grade teacher: Gosh, it is COLD in here!
Me: Yeah, I heard they are still trying to fix the boilers.
Pregnant teacher friend (PTF): Oh, tea! That's a good idea. (looking at other pregnant teacher) I have some tea in my room if we want some. (looking back at me) Oh, wait, I guess WE can't have tea.

Today:
PhyEd Teacher: So, are any of you planning on doing ski club this year?
PTF: I can't. I am SO sad!
PhyEd Teacher (looking at me): Are you going to?
Me: I'm planning on it! And my husband will probably come, too!
PTF: I am SO sad that I can't! That was, like, the FIRST thing I thought when I found out I was, you know, pregnant. How SAD it is that I can't snowboard this year.
PhyEd Teacher (to me): Yeah, your husband should come!
PTF: I just got a flyer in the mail from the the ski place and I was just upset. My husband said "You should just give it to The Bird since SHE can use it."
Me: Sure, thanks.
PTF: I REALLY wanted to do it this year but it probably isn't a good idea.
Me: Yeah, I am pretty sure they say snowboarding isn't the safest. People can take some hard spills. Maybe next year, right?
PTF: Yeah. I hope YOU have fun this year, though.

Okay, in writing, those conversations don't look that bad. I tried not to be sensitive about it. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. But it definitely seems like she has a chip on her shoulder about something. Shouldn't I be the grouchy one? Goodness gracious. And, for the record, I'd rather be pregnant right now than be able to snowboard this winter, thankyouverymuch.

Gratitude : Day 2

Working in a school and not being able to have my own children can be a challenge sometimes. I work with other people's offspring ALL DAY LONG. FIVE DAYS A WEEK. And I get to see lots of baby brothers and sisters at school events. However, the joy tends to outweigh the heartache. 

One of my favorite parts of being a teacher is hearing some of the things my students say. They are HILARIOUS and way more entertaining than any professional comedian (except for maybe Russell Brand, that guy can seriously crack me up!). Sometimes they are also wise or say just what I need to hear. For example, here is a conversation I had with one of my Kindergarten boys on a day when I was feeling very blue about my fertility situation:                              

Kindergartner: Mrs. Bird, do you have any kids?

Me: No, I don't have any kids.

Kindergartner: That's okay! Are you a wife?

Me (laughing): Yes, I am! Here we are on our wedding day! (showing a picture of The Bee and myself that sits on my desk)

Kindergartner: Oh! That is important! Do you know what that means?

Me: What?

Kindergartner: It means he knows how special you are and he decided to love you. And he knows you are a good painter so he wants to stay with you. You can have kids later.

I couldn't help but smile and scarcely avoided sweeping that 5-year-old up in my arms for a giant hug. Today I am thankful for the wisdom and humor of children.