Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The crazy is starting again...

Back in the days of my naivete I thought we would easily have babies (HA HA!!) and we would have them precisely 2.5 years apart (HA HAHAHAHA!). Well, that means getting pregnant in October, which I am not counting on happening. My heart wants it to, but my brain knows that there is about a 0% chance of that happening. We are still in a "not trying, not preventing" phase but the infertile crazies are already creeping in. For example, here's my first TMI in some number of months...I have been having pink spotting and am on day 9 of my cycle. That is not a good sign! Could be my endometriosis or my tendency to have low progesterone. Neither of those are very encouraging things when one is trying to conceive. 

Now, I know with all my heart that I am dam lucky to have my healthy 18-month-old. Our family could be complete. There is this nagging feeling though...I grew up as one of six and my husband was one of four. We both loved having siblings! I want Felicia to have one or two of her own. That would be so, so amazing. 

So, in wanting this I have started to stir up a lot of my old worries. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I get pregnant and miscarry (I am at greater risk of that due to my endometriosis and low progesterone)? What if, what if, what if...

I don't want to go down this road again. At least I have some tools in my pocket already. Prayers, yoga, Circle + Bloom, vitamins specific to helping my conditions, a good diet (although I think I need to give up coffee and wine again). I know that if we are lucky again I should get my progesterone level tested right away so I can supplement if needed. All of this SHOULD be of comfort, but I am becoming a ball of stress. Yes, I am back to googling things, too. I need to stop! 

My focus right now should be on getting my home purged of unnecessary things for our impending move, finding a house to move to, improving my marriage (thank God, it is getting better everyday!), and soaking up cuddles and laughs with my girl. 

I am so scared of secondary infertility and miscarriage, though. So scared.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Done and done!

My goal was to wrap up curriculum mapping for school by the end of July...well I ALMOST made it! I finished typing my updates last night at 12:34am! Thirty-four minutes late, but who cares?! I am DONE with all of my job-related tasks! Specialist schedule planning for next year completed, resignation sent, classroom cleaned out of personal things, maps done! I guess I am finally officially unemployed!

Next on my "to do" is obviously to figure out where we will be living as of 12pm, September 30 since that is when we have to turn in our apartment keys and be out of here! We sent in our notice to vacate yesterday, so there is no turning back! Right now, my husband is optimistic about finding a house in time. Me, not so much. I am freaking out! When he got home from work around 12:30am (I was still up, thanks to the mapping!) we had a glass of wine together and talked for about an hour before turning in for the night. He said, "We will not be homeless. Don't worry about that. Worst case scenario is moving into another apartment closer to my office under a 6-month lease." I think I can deal with that, even though I really thought a house was going to be our next stop. I am even willing to move into a 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom place to save on money leading up to the house move. Plus, downsizing from our 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom place seems like a great way to de-clutter! I know what you are thinking...1 bedroom with an 18-month-old?! We are still co-sleeping at night. Her room is solely used for afternoon nap, her clothing storage, and her diaper pail/diapers. We could do without for a while, I think.

In less stressful news...tomorrow night my in-laws are watching the babe while we celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary a bit early at the PAUL MCCARTNEY concert! I am so, so excited! I have loved Paul (and the Beatles, and Wings!) since about 7th grade. My 13-year-old self practically hyperventilates every time I think about it! My best friend and I shared a locker in middle school and we had the Beatles plastered on the inside while all the other girls had Backstreet Boys and the likes in their lockers. It will be a much needed dose of fun with my husband! The last concert we went to was Muse in 2010! Did I ever tell you that music was something my husband and I bonded over in high school? He was in a band (swoon!) and we shared a lot of common music favorites. Over the years, we also introduced each other to lots of new-to-the-other stuff. So fun!