Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Getting Serious

I need to get serious about something. Anything! I feel like life is just passing me by. In the past several months...
  • I haven't finished reading a single book
  • I haven't finished a single painting (pretty sure I haven't painted AT ALL except for work)
  • I haven't kept up with my yoga
  • I have let my diet go out the window (still healthy, but haven't been careful about gluten...and I really need to! I think I'll be requesting the biopsy for celiac within the next few months although, apparently, a messed up stomach can be a symptom of endometriosis, too.)
  • I started biting my nails again (okay, that just happened today, but I bit off ALL of my fingernails! Yuck! I haven't done that since Freshman year of college!)
  • I haven't kept up with laundry or dishes very well
  • I haven't gone out on a date with my husband
  • I haven't sent a note or card to any friends or family
  • I haven't invited my sisters over for dinner
I need to get serious. Seriously.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Fat Tuesday

The Bee is working late (surprised?) and I had a dinner date with a high school friend who I haven't seen in about two years. He is a hip, gay guy. When I arrived at the restaurant, the first thing he said (after a big hug and "hello!" and "wow, your hair is so curly and long!") was, "So, I have to ask...are you pregnant?" I responded, "No, I'm not!" He doesn't know we've officially been trying for over a year and a half. His response made me crack up: "Oh, THANK GOD!" Somehow him saying that didn't make me feel bad at all. I actually felt like, "Oh, good! Someone who still sees me as ME and not a damaged, sad sub-fertile."

In honor of Fat Tuesday, I ordered soup, a Greek salad and a side of the most delicious mashed potatoes. I had my last cup of coffee until Easter (giving it up for Lent!) and then crème brûlée for dessert. I even convinced my friend to get tiramisu.

Giving up coffee (and alcohol) for Lent is sort of serving a dual purpose. In some reading I've been doing about endometriosis, coffee and alcohol (especially red wine, which is my fave) are best avoided by endo sufferers. So, it will be a sacrifice that might also help me become/feel healthier in the long run. We'll see how it goes!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Dealing with Disappointment

During the first 3 years of our marriage, I was relieved when my period showed up like clockwork every 28-29 days...it meant that we used NFP properly to avoid pregnancy for another month. During those years, we would have been excited if we had a surprise pregnancy but we never took any risks. We wanted to get all of our ducks in a row and make sure we were financially comfortable before we planned on becoming parents. I thought I was awesome at reading my fertile signs and following the instructions we studied together the year before we got married. Now it seems that we could have had sex any day of any month and had the same results. No baby for us :(  

Over the last 18 months, the day that my period starts has been a day full of disappointment and tears. This month was really the first month that I didn't cry. I think knowing that any chance of pregnancy is pretty much impossible until after my surgery has taken away the disappointment for now. This month, my period arrived 2 days early. My cycles seem to be getting more irregular as time goes on. In the last 6 months, I've had cycles range 23-31 days. Most months are still 28 or 29, but it is not as predictable as it used to be.

The worst was the 31 day cycle. I was getting so excited...my period was due on my birthday and didn't show up. I took a pregnancy test that morning before The Bee even woke up (it was negative) and I practically had convulsions every time I used the bathroom until it started 3 days later. What a huge let down!

Last month I decided that I would get a gift for myself each month after my period starts. Not huge things, but things that I don't necessarily need. Last month I got some cat's eye fashion glasses.

Totally cheesey, but really fun! I got the black pair:)

This month I ordered some beautiful scarves from an artist on Etsy. The woman is in Istanbul, Turkey and makes the lace for the scarves by hand. Here is one I really like:

Next month, I plan to get myself a new pair of black boots. I had a pair that I bought when I was 21 and both of the heels started falling apart so I finally threw them away last summer.

I know that objects aren't going to heal the pain or prevent the disappointment, but for now it at least gives me something little to look forward to each month!

Caffeinated Brain Dump

I'm at work late tonight because I have a meeting at 7 and I know I'd have a heck of a time getting myself to come back to school if I drove home for dinner. So instead I decided to get my first and only sunlight of the day and walked to a nearby coffee shop.

Look at this forecast:

It's a gosh darn HEAT WAVE in the middle of February! This is normally our most frigid month in this part of the cold north! I didn't even wear my hat or mittens!

I treated myself to a medium mocha with dark chocolate. Yep, went for the medium...I figure I'd better indulge while I am still trying to put on a few pounds. I'm going to be that girl for a moment and I'm going to complain about my weight. I sit at 107 and have been eating whatever I want. Which is still generally very healthy food, but the amount of chocolate, juice, chips and cashews has definitely increased.  Now, before you go all judgey and eye rolly on me...please remember that I am a very short person (only 5'3"). Remember, too, that I have some dietary restrictions (gluten free and vegetarian). I am finding that attempting to gain weight can be just as frustrating as trying to lose it. Especially when you are trying to gain weight in order to get pregnant. And in order to cut down on the chances of surgical complications in a few months. I've read in more than one article that women with lower BMIs tend to have endometriosis more than women with higher BMIs. Of course, as every college course has taught us, correlation is not causation...however...some crazy part of me is like, "Oh! If I gain some weight maybe my endo won't become as severe and The Bee and I can have a baby!" I know, I know...stupid.

Okay, back to the REAL point of this post...While waiting for my medium mocha with dark chocolate, I started sort of maybe eavesdropping on a guy who was talking to another guy at one of the tables. He was talking pretty loud so it probably shouldn't be considered eavesdropping, but I also shouldn't have been so nosey. He said, "My son's mother..." and that is what piqued my interest. What a weird thing to say. Not "my wife", "my ex-wife",  "my girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, fiancee..." So I was like, "Oh, there's a story here!"

Here is some of what I gathered while waiting for my coffee:
  • He was 20 when his son was born
  • He had only been on 3 dates with his son's mother when she got pregnant
  • They didn't continue to date after she got pregnant
  • She was 24 at the time
  • She wanted to have a baby "to join the mommy club" because all of her friends were having kids at that time (those were his words...ugh)
  • He is no longer involved with this woman or his son, except for in legal (i.e. child support) manners
  • The whole ordeal has been "nothing but trouble" (again, his words)
This left me feeling like a crazy person! A 20-year-old and a 24-year-old woman who had been on THREE DATES get pregnant and have a son?! WHAT?! How does that even make sense?!

Okay. I should probably get back to work now. I just had to vent so I can focus on cleaning off my desk and photographing some art.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I survived!

I was very well behaved at the shower yesterday. Lots of laughing and smiles (some real, some fake). I only felt a little sad while reading some dumb quote in one of the cards. I can't remember it exactly but it was something about how being a mother is the most important role a woman can ever achieve. That was fun.

The tears didn't come until I was almost home. And then when The Bee got home the waterworks really started. I was laying on the couch moping and complaining about not wanting to cook dinner. So my angel of a husband ordered Chinese take-out from a new place we've been meaning to try. That made the night seem a little better.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Fashion help

I am usually pretty confident with my style. Or at least I know that if I wear something hideous people will just think, "Oh, she's the art teacher. She's supposed to look weird." I tend to color block. I love 3/4 sleeve cardigans. I wear lots of scarves. I have a nice collection of fuller skirts and short dresses (long dresses are majorly hard to pull off at 5'3"). I like chunky, vintage Lucite, hoop earrings. I wear my hair in a messy bun with a headband or ribbon tied around my head. 

Last summer I purchased several new dresses in an effort to update my student-teaching-days wardrobe (that was 2007/2008, yo!) and decided to get some wide, fashion belts as well. I got 4 belts. Three of them are practical and I can wear them to work with dresses or even over sweaters when I wear dress pants or jeans. Well, belt #4 has yet to be worn. The Bee actually got it for me. I tried it on at the store and he and the sales girl were all, "Oh! That fits you perfectly!" "That was MADE for you" "That is majorly hot!" Maybe a little too hot since I don't have any clothing that it goes with!

Here's the belt:

WHAT can I wear it with? I think it needs to be something simple - no patterning, muted monochromatic, maybe? I might have to take it shopping with me and just try it on with stuff. I don't really know what I should even be looking for, though! How long? Fitted or flowy? Ruffles?