The Plan

We had our surgery consult this afternoon. The doctor (we'll call her Dr. D) started out by saying that we know a lot more now than we did last time we met with her. She said there is some good news:

• my prolactin levels are normal
• my FSH level was very good
• The Bee's SA came back with good results

All of these are things we have working for us.

Some news that we now know that is not so good:

• my progesterone level was borderline low
• we don't know from last cycle if I am ovulating (ever or irregularly)
• my DHEAS level, which is a precursor to testosterone, was a little elevated, which can be a sign of PCOS
• I have cysts on both of my ovaries
• I have endometriosis on both of my ovaries (most likely, but they cannot diagnose for sure without a laparoscopy)

The next step, as we have known, is a laparoscopy to diagnose and treat endometriosis. She suggested that within the 6-9 month window of opportunity after the laparoscopy that I take Clomid to stimulate ovulation, since "a titch" of PCOS could be at play here, too. She kept saying that there is inconclusive evidence pointing towards PCOS:

• The slightly elevated DHEAS levels, but so slightly elevated that if there weren't infertility issues, they wouldn't even pay attention to it
• The cysts on my ovaries, but they are not typical of PCOS - mine are larger and fewer. These "chocolate cysts" which are common in endometriosis, could be kind of obscuring the true appearance of my ovaries, though
• The irregular ovulation or anovulation, since nobody could tell what was going on last cycle

Whether or not I have PCOS, the Clomid would help us take full advantage of my fertility while the endometriosis is more under control.

Dr. D said that waiting until June or July would be just fine. I am young and there is no time pressure yet. She seemed to think it might be good for me and The Bee to take a few months off from the whole fertility circus anyway, to give my body some time to recover from stress.

She talked about the mind body connection and, more than once, mentioned that both endometriosis and PCOS are treatable and usually have pretty good success rates as far as treatment and pregnancy go. She said that I need to think positively and suggested that we try to relax and maybe even go on a vacation before having the laparoscopy done. To her credit, she did preface the "relax and go on a vacay" with "I know you have probably been told this and it is hard to do, but taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally/emotionally is very important in all of this. I truly believe that positive thoughts are important." I, the ultimate pessimist as of late, know that nothing is a given. There is a chance that we'll follow through with this and be the most positive, enthusiastic people in the universe and still won't have a baby. But there is also a chance that we will.

So, the plan is to call the surgery scheduler when I get my period in June. Somewhere between day 5 and 11 of that cycle I will have the laparoscopy where they will go in through three 5mm incisions (one through my belly button - yuck!) and remove the cysts from my ovaries, the endometriosis from my ovaries (and any other endo they see) and they will assess my fallopian tubes. After that, we'll have to decide if we want to chance it and see if I can ovulate on my own and get pregnant or if we want to start Clomid the following cycle, which would be July.

In the meantime, I am going to try to take care of myself. I am not going to use OPK's or chart BBT (you have no idea how much I have LOVED not charting the horrible and hideous BBT!!). I will still keep track of my cycle using NFP but will try not to obsess. Dr. D said, "You never know...if you are ovulating irregularly, something could happen between now and June." I appreciated her encouragement and kindness, but I have a hard time believing anything will make the next 5 cycles more successful than the last 17 have been.

So, here we go, waiting for June or a miracle!

Infertility clinic visit #3: Follicle u/s #2

Last Friday, The Bee and I went in for another follicle u/s as I hadn't gotten a + on the OPK's yet. I actually may have gotten a + that day...it was the darkest line I had seen, but that would mean I ovulated pretty late this cycle (OPK taken CD 16) and I am not sure if it was a true positive. Who knows? I am not certain of anything these days, why should a simple at home ovulation test be any different?

Anyhow, it was a different person doing the u/s so it was hard to know if she was seeing the same things or different things from the u/s I had on New Year's Eve. This u/s lady gave me this information:

• My ovaries are apparently very close together.
• She could see 3 things that she was guessing were cysts. Based on the size of them, I am inclined to believe they are some of the same 3 found on the ultrasound from 12/07/11  (from that u/s I was told I had 2 cysts on the left and 3 on the right. At THIS u/s she only mentioned 3 altogether...2 on one ovary and 1 on the other)
• She said these cysts looked like "chocolate cysts" which are a sign of endometriosis.
• In addition to the endometriosis on my left ovary (found on the u/s New Year's Eve) there is some on my right ovary as well. (See where this is going??)
• There was some fluid around my right ovary (which was the one we thought had a mature follicle New Year's Eve) but she said it was very hard to tell if it was a sign of ovulation or not.

She ordered a blood test to check my progesterone since it was unclear whether I ovulated or not. The clinic called the next day and gave me this info:

• My progesterone level was 3.3 which indicates that ovulation likely didn't occur this cycle or that it occurred very recently and the blood test was taken too early (they like to test 5-6 days after assumed ovulation).
• A progesterone level of greater than 4 means that ovulation likely occurred.
• A progesterone level of 15 or more indicates pregnancy.
• My doctor wants me to set up an appointment to discuss a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.

So that is where we are. I probably haven't been ovulating and it could be a result of endometriosis. I called my Mom to tell her the latest news. Endometriosis is found in women on both my Mom's and Dad's sides of my family. She told me that I have at least one aunt on each side who had surgery for it (after being unable to conceive) and then had success having at least one child, which I didn't know until yesterday. Unfortunately, I think that if I have the laparoscopy, it will need to wait until June so that I can take whatever recovery time I need without getting overly stressed about work (standing all day = not the best for recovery)/sub plans/little kids running into my sore abdomen. I feel very broken right now. I feel like I need to be fixed!

Oh Lord, please fix me! Or help the surgery fix me! I want this so badly and I am turning into a sad, unpleasant person through this painful experience! I don't even like myself most days. I feel angry, jealous, embarrassed, guilty, unworthy, hopeless. I ask You to create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. 

I asked my Mom to talk to my Grandmother, a retired nurse specializing in gynecologic oncology, about the laparoscopy and if waiting 6 more months will allow for too much more damage. Her opinion was that, no, it would be fine to wait until summer but if it is causing me too much worry to do it asap. My Grandma also asked the name of my doctor so she can check up on her at the hospital she used to work at (that made me laugh a little but warmed my heart knowing my Grandma is looking out for me and The Bee and hoping for the same successes we are!).

We won't know if endometriosis is what we are facing unless I have the laparoscopy, though. The Bee asked me to wait until after his SA (scheduled for this Wednesday) to call to set up the appointment to discuss the procedure. I guess I would not be surprised if I have endometriosis. All along I've been answering the question, "Do you have painful periods?" with "No, I just take some ibuprofen and then I am usually fine. I've never missed work because of my period." But after talking to my Mom, I realize that cramping for a week and a half before my period is not normal. And the few times I've needed to sit down to prevent blacking out on the way to the kitchen to get ibuprofen when my period starts in the middle of the night is not normal. And my period getting heavier over the last 2 years is not a good sign. I always thought I had a less severe period than my older sister, who has endometriosis, and who used to actually pass out from the pain. She had my beautiful nephew relatively easily, though. It took her 9 months all together to conceive my nephew but she did sadly lose a pregnancy due to Rh factor 2 months before her successful pregnancy.

I feel angry that I didn't have kids sooner or take birth control pills. Both of those things help keep endometriosis at bay. I am digging deep to find hope and to believe that we will have a baby someday. Right now I just feel so lost.

Stupid anxiety...

Fair warning: this post most certainly contains TMI...

Tonight I sit alone blogging again. The Bee is probably not getting home until way too late tonight (last night it was 1am. crikey!). This time I am not crying though (finished that up in the car) and I am enjoying some lovely cranberry juice. I pretty much convinced myself that I had a UTI and went to Urgent Care. I've never had one before, and I didn't have many of the symptoms I read about on the 100% accurate and always correct internet (broke the moratorium again but I figure it wasn't directly related to fertility stuff so it doesn't count) but I've been having pain mainly on my left side for 4 days now (so, no, not ovulation related since my mature follicle was on my right and, besides, my body apparently doesn't want to ovulate) and I thought my urine looked weird (I've gotten to see my pee very frequently and in much finer detail while doing the little OPK dipstick things).

Also, I am a teacher and teachers don't get to just take restroom breaks whenever they need to and I've been trying to not pee as often or drink as much water during the day so I'd catch a + on the OPK's and The Bee and I have had frequent bd sessions (and I fell asleep after a few without getting up to pee - oops). All of those seem like obvious UTI risk factors to me. So, I freaked myself out and decided that it would be better to treat it if that was the cause of my pain and the weird looking pee. 

The doctor at Urgent Care was a really funny, old man who treated me for at least 75% of the cases of strep throat I had in elementary school. He is still really funny and now he's really old, too. They did a urinalysis (good thing I have so much practice peeing in cups as of late...my aim was impeccable) and everything came back perfect. So he, being a funny, old man, thought that I should have a pelvic exam but he doesn't do them anymore (he made sure to tell me that) so I was brought to another exam room with the doctor who still does perform pelvic exams.

She was a young doctor in her mid-30s. After I told her that I have a follicle u/s scheduled tomorrow and that I am being seen at the other clinic for infertility, she offered to test me for a few things but said it was up to me since they can't really do a whole lot at Urgent Care and she didn't think I had any of the stuff she could test for, like "horrible STDs" as she put it. I talked to her a bit more and she was very encouraging about our whole baby making endeavor and she said she'd send "fertile vibes" my way, which cracked me up. She mentioned the mind-body connection and said that I am probably just noticing every little thing, which is common when struggling with fertility issues.

Next, I went to Target and picked up cranberry juice to help prevent any future UTIs. Then I called The Bee and told him I have perfect urine. Then I drove home and cried when James Taylor sang "You've Got a Friend" on the radio. Now that I know I don't have a UTI, I am going to choose to believe that the pains I am experiencing are the same pains I had before cutting gluten out of my diet. I have really fallen off the wagon with that since the holidays are chock-full of gluten. Cookies, breads, crackers to go with cheese balls...I know I haven't been eating as well and my stomach is not happy about it. However, I am up one pound since last being weighed, and for that I am thankful to gluten and whole milk yogurt.

Tomorrow is a new day! I have no idea what they will tell me at the u/s, but, as I try to tell myself every day, we are taking steps in the best direction possible by finding out as much as we can.

Infertility clinic visit #2: Follicle u/s

On New Year's Eve morning, The Bee and I went in for my first follicle u/s. I was glad he was there with me again! Here is all of the info I got during the u/s:

(It was cycle day 10, for reference)

• One mature follicle (18.5) on my right ovary. No follicles on my left, which the u/s lady said was common for an unmedicated cycle.

• Lining (7.9) was described as "beautiful" as she was measuring.

• Slight endometriosis on left ovary, which made me sad. Although the u/s lady said it didn't look bad, shouldn't require surgery and shouldn't impair fertility.

She didn't say anything about any other cysts and I was too overwhelmed (this fertility stuff makes me emotional and tense, not calm or logical, unfortunately) to remember to ask. She recommended that we bd every 36-48 hours starting that night. If I don't get a + on the OPKs by Wednesday I am to call the doctor and set up another u/s. So far I haven't gotten a + but I am hoping that I will soon! I KNOW we have used the "right" days most of the months during the last year and a half, so I am doubting that this month will have a different outcome. I am praying a bit extra, though, and trying not to get too excited/stressed/consumed by it. I am reminding myself that we don't really know anything new yet and haven't started any treatment so this cycle is primarily for research/gathering info to see if my body is ovulating on its own.

The Bee is going to try to set up an appointment for his SA sometime this month. I am sticking with the higher calorie diet and haven't been drinking green tea. I have started drinking coffee again, though, but only one cup in the morning with breakfast and with cream, yum! I did the FitDay counting thing for one more day after posting about it...we'll see if I get back on that. I am not sure how helpful it will be for me since I don't measure stuff out while eating (nor do I have the time/desire to start doing so) and it is hard to enter in homemade foods accurately. 

Here's hoping that 2012 is a wonderful year!

Infertility clinic: blood work results

I got the results from last week's blood work.

My FSH, LH, prolactin, and free and total testosterone were all normal.

My DHEAS level, which is a precursor to testosterone, was a little elevated, which could be a sign of PCOS. I broke my internet moratorium (shhh...don't tell!) and saw that, yes, it is indeed linked to PCOS (and other fun things) but it is also elevated in people who are stressed because it is related to cortisol somehow. Hello! Who in the world can ttc for over a year and NOT be stressed? Okay, I will NOT look up any more info. The internet moratorium is reinstated. I did last a whole week, which is pretty amazing. I need to remind myself that I am in good hands and no matter what they find, we'll be able to deal with it and make decisions based on the results. Knowledge is power, right?

My doctor wants me to stick to our original plan: follicle ultrasound tomorrow, use the OPKs at home and then go in to get my progesterone checked after ovulation. The Bee also needs to get in for his SA and then we can go from there!

Infertility clinic visit #1

The appointment went really well today. I picked The Bee up at his work and we drove to the clinic together. Side note: It was the first time I have been to The Bee's office and, holy cow!, it is a BEAUTIFUL building with fanciness everywhere! It has tons of plants and fancy staircases and it is especially lovely right now because it was all decorated for Christmas!

Okay, back to the appointment...

We arrived at the clinic (which is only an 8 minute drive from The Bee's office, NICE!) and I had to sign some paper work saying that I understand that I am responsible for any payments for services that insurance won't cover. Then they took my picture (I tried to look good for the appointment but made the mistake of wearing my naturally curly hair down on a windy, December day - oops!) for my file (to prevent identity fraud, apparently). Then they weighed me (unfortunately I am down another pound, but more on that later) and took my blood pressure.

When I got to the exam room, I held my composure while the assistant took down a few more bits of information. She seemed a little uncomfortable asking The Bee if he had fathered any children and if he has had a semen analysis done (answer to both = no). Then she left and said the doctor would be in shortly.

The doctor came in about 5 minutes later and went over some of the records sent from my general physician and the specialist at my doctor's office. She asked us for our story so far and of course I started to cry! The Bee held my hand the whole time, though, which helped my cry substantially LESS than I have at all of the other appointments that I went to by myself. She was very nonjudgmental and also very kind. She seemed glad that I know a lot about my cycle (who wouldn't after 5 years of charting CM and 4.5 months of charting bbt?!) and hormones and what they do but at one point she did say that she was recommending an "Internet Moratorium." Haha! The Bee laughed pretty hard at that because all along he has been telling me not to look up all of the things that could possibly be wrong with me (it's not like I've told him I am insulin resistant, have a gluten allergy, have a "cold uterus" and hostile cervical mucus, low progesterone, a pituitary tumor...oh, NO...I have NEVER used the internet and test results to diagnose myself and in turn make myself completely cuckoo and practically impossible to live with! Not me!).

Her opinion, given the results from my previous blood tests and ultrasound, is that it may not be PCOS. She isn't ruling it out at this point, but said more testing needs to be done. She said I didn't have very many cysts and that they are larger than most PCOS patients have. At least 2 of them were like 2cm - which freaks me out a little because it sounds BIG (and not good) but she didn't seem concerned when I asked about it. She asked what cycle date the blood labs (cd 21 in November) and the u/s (cd 13 in December) were done and kind of seemed like, "Hmm...those are not the best days to do those tests..."

Then she asked what cycle date I am today. It is cd 2 (boo for AF over the holidays!) and she said it would be the perfect day to do the first blood work! So today they drew blood to test (from what I can remember) FSH, LH, prolactin (to see if that high level was a fluke in November or if my level is consistently high), estrogen, and androgens (which, of course, includes testosterone). That should help figure out if it is PCOS or something else, or something else and PCOS...here I go making myself crazy again! I also have an u/s scheduled for next Saturday morning (New Year's Eve!) to check my follicles. And I have to start using my ovulation predictor kit (thank you, Amanda, for the info about OPKs!) so that they can do another u/s 5 or 6 days after I get a + on it. Even though I don't know any new news, I feel like we are making progress! She also gave The Bee a referral for his SA. I will be glad (and possibly sad, mad, shocked...) to finally start to figure out what is going on with us!

She asked if we had any questions and I asked if my vegetarian diet could be part of the problem. She said it could be contributing if I am not getting enough protein and fats, but probably isn't the main issue. I told her about how I have cut out almost all gluten from my diet since August (due to constant stomachaches) but she seemed to think that less gluten = generally healthy.  And then I told her how now am worried about eating too much sugar (because of my self diagnosed insulin resistance after my sort-of diagnoses of PCOS) and too much dairy (after I read about all of the yucky hormones in, like, EVERY dairy product I eat). Through tears I asked, "How can I eat anything if I have to be a gluten-free, diabetic vegan?!"  She told me not to limit myself too much and that low BMI can cause problems while ttc. She actually recommended that I eat full fat, organic dairy from now on since my BMI is currently borderline low (not on purpose, I truly think it is stress!) and that I not worry about sugar at this point (but of course try to avoid refined sugar and processed food, which I think The Bee and I do a pretty good job of already). The sugar thing really makes me feel better because I love fruit and eat a lot of it (especially clementines and pineapple, which are pretty sugary). And the dairy thing made me feel better because I eat a lot of yogurt (with frozen blueberries in it) for protein and I LOVE cheese! I communicated that I have been trying everything I can think of to make better choices and to "fix" whatever I am doing wrong. She looked at me with the most gentle eyes and said, "You aren't doing anything wrong. You can't blame yourself for this, even though it is easy to go down that road. We will figure this out!"

She also told me to take care of myself (specifically make time for my YOGA and she recommended getting massages every once in a while). Oh! And the BEST part of the appointment today? The doctor actually TOLD me to STOP taking my bbt! She said that if you don't sleep consistently(which I don't) it is not very useful and it causes many women in my situation undue stress. So, hooray! No more bbt charting! Although now I have to start the OPKs...

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas:)

Appointment set

I called the clinic yesterday and they were very apologetic that a scheduler hadn't contacted me. They seemed super nice...even when I started to cry over the phone... Oh, Lord, help me learn to compose myself!

I have my first appointment set for this Friday afternoon, 12/23/11. I filled out the online new patient info and medical history last night. The doctor I am seeing is very young (she looks about my age, which to me seems young for a doctor) so I bet she's very well versed in recent medical research and treatments. I just called my doctor's office and requested that they send my records to the fertility clinic. I think I am all set! Maybe not mentally, but I have 2 days to get to that point.

***Just got a call from the business office at the clinic with bad news...my insurance will not be covering any fertility related costs. Once I am officially labeled infertile, everything will need to be paid out of pocket at the time of treatment. Is this pretty standard for insurance policies? This has me seriously considering looking for a new job. For an entity that boasts their love of family and the importance of social justice, they sure leave their employees out in the cold in regards to salary, medical coverage and retirement benefits.***

NOT a good day

I got the call from my doctor. My uterus looks "very normal" but both of my ovaries have cysts. Two on the right and three on the left. This could (obviously) mean PCOS. My next step is to see a gynecologist at the fertility clinic. My doctor mentioned Clomid and Metformin as possible "minimal interventions."

The Bee still hasn't been seen in regards to this whole mess, although it sounds like it is probably me. I don't know a ton about Clomid or Metformin but medications in general scare me a little. My doctor said that people on Clomid are closely monitored so if we end up taking that route we'll probably have to wait until summer (I think I'd be able to handle everything better when I'm off of work and making appointments would be a lot easier then, too). I'll be giving the fertility clinic a call tomorrow and hopefully setting something up.

Ultrasound

This morning I had my pelvic ultrasound. It was pretty uneventful. They said I did a GREAT job drinking A LOT of water and not wetting myself - woohoo, another talent I had never considered before (I told them I am a teacher so I am used to not being able to pee when I need to and we had a good laugh)!

I was hoping I'd get some info today (like how thick my uterine lining is or how big any follicles I have are) but I didn't get anything!  I am CD 13 today so *if I am in fact even ovulating* I should be getting pretty darn close. According to my NFP observations from the LAST 5 YEARS and my bbt charts from the last 4 months, I am pretty regular as far as ovulating between CD 13-16 (CD 15 is actually my most common day of O). I was hoping they'd say, "Your lining is 8mm and you have a 20mm follicle ready to go! Have fun with your hubby tonight, tomorrow and Friday!" and then we would, and then in 2 weeks I'd pee on a stick and see "Pregnant" but no such luck. I did get to see my ovaries on the screen (the right one looked pretty much how I expected, the left one looked weird but I am not EXACTLY sure what else I could have been seeing...hoping they weren't cysts...). I asked what I'll be finding out from this and they said pretty much what my doctor said - just basic anatomy stuff.

The ultrasound technician asked if I had used Clomid or anything yet. I said, "No, I want to know if I am even ovulating on my own first." And she said she was the same way. Everything had been regular for her but she didn't get pregnant until she was put on Clomid. The other person in the room (the u/s tech's student who was doing all of the recording) asked if I have used ovulation predictor kits before. I told her that I haven't, but I have one at home that I plan to use next cycle. I was going to use it this cycle but since my cycle was short last time and I was uber stressed, I just didn't bother. Plus, I already take my dumb temperature every morning and peeing in a little cup and dipping that paper strip into it just does not seem like the most delightful thing to do at 5:30am. Ugh. I need a job where I get to sleep in later! I WILL use it next cycle, though, since now I have read the instructions and everything. As for this month? We are trying to BD every other night and so far so good! We have done every other day and even every day in the past, though, and it didn't work out. I am trying to be hopeful without being TOO hopeful!

As for the rest of the day (since I called in sick, hee hee!) - I went shopping and got the new Zelda game (or what I called "The Sword of Whatever" Thankfully the guy at the store knew exactly what I was talking about) for The Bee for Christmas. I know he will be so excited! I also got some socks with grippy stuff on the bottom for one of our nieces (who is 1.5 years) and runs EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME and slips a lot. I know, she'll be super excited to open those (not!). I took a nap, did some dishes, read Harry Potter and now need to tackle the laundry. Tonight we are going to celebrate The Bee's Grandmother's 90th birthday! She has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home now so everyone is gathering there to see her and eat some cake.

Unrelated funny story - I started taking yoga classes last month (thanks to The Bee for getting me a CorePower Groupon for my birthday!) and there is a studio right by my school. Well, on Sunday I went to an afternoon class and it was really crowded so the instructor asked everyone to squish so we could fit 3 more people in the studio. I was on the end by the wall so I scooted closer to the wall and one of the 3 put their mat down by me...and...IT WAS ONE OF MY 8TH GRADERS FROM SCHOOL! I didn't say anything to him because I didn't know if he even recognized me in my yoga clothes, I didn't want to embarrass him, and you have to be silent in the studio anyways. It wasn't bad, it was just a surprise! Yesterday at school another 8th grade boy who stops in and helps in my classroom during recess asked, "So, you take yoga with _________, huh?" and I just started to laugh. Next time I'll have to say "Hi" or at least "Namaste."

MRI

Wednesday I was emotional at work. I taught my classes and made sub plans during my prep just in case I wouldn't be in the next day. I told the Music teacher (he is my 'partner teacher' and works right across the hall) what was going on so he could help out my sub if need be, even though I was pretty sure I'd be there the next day.

I went home, showered and did my hair and make-up so I'd feel good about myself (eyeliner and mascara always make me feel more awake and 'with it').  I was nervous and ate crackers with peanut butter and had a glass of cranberry juice for dinner while I made grilled cheese for The Bee (who left work early to get home and come with me to the hospital). We arrived at the hospital and went to the Radiology/Imaging unit. There was a middle aged man at the check-in desk asking about the dyes they were going to use for his procedure, "Last time I went into anaphylactic shock. The Doc told me that I almost didn't make it, of course that was a few days later when I was awake again..."  Are you kidding me? That is NOT what I needed to hear. Thankfully I had researched 'pituitary MRI' so I was pretty sure that the contrast they'd be using had very low risk for reaction.

Sue, the lady at the admissions desk was very nice and took all of the info they needed. I handed my wedding ring to The Bee so he could hold it for me (even though I found out later I probably could have left it on since they only needed to look at my head, oh well).  Then the MRI technician, who must have been about my age, introduced himself (his name was Nate), and took me back to the room with the MRI machine. I got an IV in my right arm (this was the first time I had to do that, and I was glad it wasn't as bad as I expected) and a little alarm thing to hold in my left hand (they can't hear you when the MRI machine is doing its thing, so if you need to get out or something you use the alarm). I started to tear up (big surprise, right?) and he asked if it was the IV or my nerves. "Just my nerves," I said. He put earplugs in my ears (it gets loud in there!), adjusted my mirror (so I could see the tech room throughout the whole procedure) and then I was put in the tube.

I think I was in the MRI machine for about 40 minutes all together. Nate took a series of pictures and I had to lay completely still for anywhere from 2 minutes to (I think) 14 minutes or so, but I could move (a tiny bit, you are pretty stuck in that thing) between when the pictures were being taken. I could feel my shoulders tensing up because I was nervous. When they put the contrast through the IV my arm felt weird and a little cold but thankfully didn't hurt at all! When all the pictures were taken, I was taken out of the machine and had the IV removed. I said, "That wasn't so bad! It was hard to stay still for that long, though!" Nate laughed and said I was lucky I could be in the enclosed MRI machine because the pictures will be much better and clearer than if I had been in an open one. I asked why anyone would use an open MRI? His response was if someone is claustrophobic or if they are too large to fit in the tube! I guess I am lucky that I don't have either of those problems - I tried to think of the MRI as a chance to be lazy and practically nap for 40 minutes!

I got a call the next day (checked my cell phone at lunch and the call came in at that exact moment!) and my doctor said the radiologist had looked at it and everything was normal. No tumor or any other weird things. I was relieved but now I feel like, "Great, we still don't know anything!"

As for the cause of my high prolactin? It could just be caused by stress. It could also be caused by the costochondritis I ended up in the emergency room for last July. I have been pretty high anxiety for the last 6 months or so and the emotional stress caused by my lack of pregnancy, my summer job (which I am not working next year, yippee!) and some family craziness caused the chest pains. Costochondritis is the inflammation of the cartilage that connects the ribs to the sternum and it went away after I took ibuprofen for a week and didn't lift anything that weighed too much. I still get the same chest pain when I am very stressed, and apparently costochondritis (or any chest pain/chest wall trauma) can cause an increase in prolactin. I am hoping that is the cause for me, but we might never know!

Next time: Today I had my pelvic ultrasound...

Waiting for the test results (and all that happened in the meantime)

The day after my appointment was spent working in my classroom (I had the day off from work, but the Bee was at work all day), going to yoga class and cleaning the kitchen in preparation for the food I'd be making the next morning. The Bee made risotto for dinner (he is an excellent cook!) and we snuggled on the couch and watched Star Trek: TNG.

The next day was Thanksgiving. I made butternut squash soup, apple crisp (the easiest yet most delicious recipe ever that I got from my best friend) and rolls.  The Bee and I went to my Grandma's for lunch. Not much was out of the ordinary there, except that my crazy uncle brought a gun. Yes, a giant handgun that he had in a holster on a belt with bullets all along it. No one asked about it because we didn't want to draw attention to his weirdness. My theory is that the gun is his new "power piece." He got a bluetooth years ago before anyone else had them and wore it to every family function (holidays, birthday parties, funerals). Now that those are common, he decided to wear a gun instead. No one got shot and it was a pretty mellow Thanksgiving celebration.

From there, we drove to The Bee's parents' place for dinner. My Mom came with (my parents got divorced 2 years ago and my siblings celebrate with my Dad's family after my Mom's family, leaving my Mom alone on a lot of holidays) and brought a pomegranate for the Bee's parents. For some reason she didn't want to give it to them, so I carried it in and handed it to the Bee saying, "Here, can you give this to your Mom and tell her it's from my Mom?" My sister-in-law (the pregnant one with the 2-year-old twins) saw our awkward exchange and asked excitedly, "Oh! Are you trying to announce something?!" My eyes got wide and I quickly replied, "No. Nooooo!" and excused myself from the kitchen because the tears started welling up in my eyes. That was the first of about 20 million questions and comments about babies (Your babies will be so well rounded, good at math, science and art. When you have babies someday you'll understand. When will you join the baby club? You're the last ones who need to have a baby!) from several of our relatives. I only almost cried about 5 times but held my composure until we were on the way home.  The Bee called his Mom the following Saturday and told her what we've been going through for over a year and that we are starting testing and that she can let the rest of the family know. He didn't know I was listening in on some of the conversation and told his Mom, "All of the comments and questions are just becoming too much for The Bird to handle."

The Friday after Thanksgiving we slugged around in our pj's and drank coffee together. We don't do the whole "Black Friday" thing. That evening I went to Breaking Dawn: Part I with one of my girlfriends (um, if an undead vampire guy and human chick can get pregnant from having sex, like, one time, what the heck is wrong with us?!), ate good Indian food, and helped her set up her Christmas tree. We had some great conversations about what we've been struggling with. The Bee and I with our desire to start a family and her recent break-up with her boyfriend of almost 5 years. It made me realize that most people are struggling with SOMETHING. I am very blessed to have a wonderful man who loves me and who I get to spend the rest of my life with! Oh, also, I GOT MY PERIOD. WHICH WASN'T SUPPOSED TO COME FOR 6-7 MORE DAYS. So much for the cycles that I thought were so regular. I am hoping it was just major stress induced.

Saturday we celebrated our youngest nephew's first birthday. He is such a great little guy. I am a lucky aunt because I get to hang out with the little dude for an hour or two each Monday between when my sister leaves for her bell choir practice and my brother-in-law gets home from work. We pretty much have a special bond already, which is fun:)

Sunday was uneventful. I skipped my yoga class because my period was so heavy that I didn't think I'd be able to do half of the poses anyway. (Sorry if that is tmi, it really sucked and I need to vent a little). We finally got our  Christmas tree up and decorated (usually we do that the Friday after Thanksgiving but it just didn't happen this year).

Monday I was back to work making art with my students. I was feeling pretty low but my spirit was lifted by the funny things my school kids say and do. I am lucky to have a job where I get to laugh a lot (not that it is without stress...painting with 50+ kids a day in an art room with no sink [not even one close by!] can be a challenge and I get exhausted by classroom management sometimes [why can't every kid just be nice to everyone and love art as much as me all of the time?!]). I didn't get a call from my doctor's office but decided not to call them until Tuesday.

With Tuesday came more art at school. I called my doctor on my lunch break and was routed to her voicemail. She called me back while I was teaching 6th grade and I picked up the message right after school ended. I called and left another voicemail. I decided to call again after getting home from work (I wanted to see if I could actually talk to her because she was only in the office until 7 and I had to leave at 6:45 for my yoga class). Finally, she was available to talk. She said all of my hormone levels were great except for one, which was a little high. If The Bee and I weren't having trouble in the baby department, the increased level wouldn't be of any concern, but they wanted to completely rule it out as the cause. My high level was prolactin, which is the hormone responsible for preventing ovulation in women who are nursing (and also is responsible for breast milk production). Normal levels for non-pregnant, non-nursing women is between 5 and 23. My level was 30. They wanted me to get and MRI to check for a tumor on my pituitary gland (which is responsible for the production and regulation of prolactin, among other things) but she said that my level of 30 made it very unlikely that I had a tumor and even very unlikely that it would prevent normal ovulation. The MRI is just the next step in the laundry list of infertility tests based on my blood levels. The hospital called me and set up my MRI for the next evening.

My first appointment

I had my first appointment November 22, 2011 at 7pm. I chose this day and time for several reasons:
1. I followed my doctor's orders from August and had completed 3 months of bbt charting
2. It was late enough in the day that I didn't have to miss any work or make sub plans (I HATE making sub plans!)
3. It was our last day of school before a 5 day weekend over Thanksgiving (I figured this would give me more than enough time to compose myself before being back in the classroom if I was a complete wreck after the appointment).

I took it easy that day at work, knowing that the kids would be crazy (being the last day of our first trimester at school and the last day before 5 glorious days off!) and that many of my students would be gone on vacation already (the families at my school are notorious for taking off early before any scheduled break). So I pretty much got to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 7 times and had the kids draw Peanuts characters in their sketchbooks (we are in Minnesota so I gave a mini lesson on Charles Schultz who was a Minnesota born artist which made me feel a little less guilty about being so lazy!) while I finished up my grades for all of my 360 kids.

At 3:20, I shot out of school like a bat out of hell. I wanted to shower and make myself look polished for the appointment. I knew if I went in looking like what Oprah calls a 'shlumpadinka' I would feel rotten from the get go and cry through the whole appointment. So, I showered, put on a new dress and cardigan that I got while visiting my sister in Wisconsin the previous weekend, a pair of cute tights and my favorite slouch boots.  I blow-dried and flat-ironed my hair and did my make-up.  I ate dinner by myself (The Bee was working late that night) and called my Mom. By 6:15 I was on the road.

I got to the appointment 10 minutes early, checked in, and started reading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in the waiting room (I know I am way behind the times...I refused to read the Harry Potter series when they came out but my brother-in-law finally convinced me and they are really fun!). They called me in, weighed me (I've lost 5lbs since August, btw, which is either due to stress, the gluten free [well, gluten-greatly-limited] diet I put myself on last August because my stomach was always hurting, my new yoga classes or a combination of these things. This puts me at about 108lbs and my Mom is CONVINCED that I just need to gain weight since that worked for her with her 4th pregnancy which took over a year for my parents to conceive. If I thought it was that easy, trust me, I'd be pigging out! And I am only 5'4" so I am not skeletal or anything.), took my temperature and blood pressure. Then she asked me why I was there. This is still the nurses aide, mind you, and not even the doctor. And I cried. I told her that my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year with no luck. I told her that my doctor asked me to chart my bbt for three months and then schedule this appointment. She said, "I am so sorry that this is so hard on you. You'll get through it. Lots of people struggle through things like this and you are not alone" She was very sweet and I appreciated her patience and the Kleenex she kept handing to me while she asked all of the normal questions (about smoking, alcohol, caffeine, my cycles, has my husband been tested, etc).

Then I waited for the doctor. It was a very long 20 minutes before the she came in but at least good old Harry Potter was there for me. She came in, asked a few questions and looked at my Fertility Friend charts. And I cried. I asked about my low temperatures and she said they are within normal range and probably nothing to worry about. She asked if we were interested in fertility drugs. I asked if it looked like I am not ovulating on my own? She said it looks like I am, but for November she is pretty sure I ovulated 4 days later than Fertility Friend said I did (which would mean cd19 which would be really late for me from what I have always observed using NFP...although that has obviously not worked so well for us! Ha!). She gave me a referral for the fertility specialist who actually does fertility treatments (the doctor I saw just does the testing), gave me a paper ordering a pelvic ultrasound and ordered some blood tests to check some hormone levels. Then I was off to the lab!

The lab guy is the same one who took my blood in August to check my thyroid levels (which were good!). He is a painter and had told me in August to make time for my own art. He remembered me and asked if I had been painting. I said, "Not as much as I'd like." Then he asked how my day was going. I said, "Oh, it has been good." And then I cried. He said, "Why are you crying?! You lied to me! Your day hasn't been good at all!" I replied, "Work was fine. The reason I am here just really stinks." Then he said, "Do you KNOW that or are you assuming the worst?" "I guess I am assuming the worst," I cried. "Well, these results will tell you a lot and you should get a call about them as early as Friday. Take care of yourself, and paint!"

On my way out of the doctor's office, I stopped at the appointment desk to set up the pelvic ultrasound. The doctor said it is "just to check for basic anatomy." I have that set for December 7 and have to make sub plans - YUCK! I decided to take the whole day off, using one of the many sick days I have been saving for the maternity leave THAT I HAVEN'T NEEDED. I have only used 1.5 sick days in the 3 years and 4 months I have been a teacher and we can only carry over 30. I am at 30.5 and since I am not having a baby this school year I am using the day without feeling bad (even though we can't use sick days for scheduled doctor's appointments!).

Sorry for the long post. I'll make it to be continued...