Back in the days of my naivete I thought we would easily have babies (HA HA!!) and we would have them precisely 2.5 years apart (HA HAHAHAHA!). Well, that means getting pregnant in October, which I am not counting on happening. My heart wants it to, but my brain knows that there is about a 0% chance of that happening. We are still in a "not trying, not preventing" phase but the infertile crazies are already creeping in. For example, here's my first TMI in some number of months...I have been having pink spotting and am on day 9 of my cycle. That is not a good sign! Could be my endometriosis or my tendency to have low progesterone. Neither of those are very encouraging things when one is trying to conceive.
Now, I know with all my heart that I am dam lucky to have my healthy 18-month-old. Our family could be complete. There is this nagging feeling though...I grew up as one of six and my husband was one of four. We both loved having siblings! I want Felicia to have one or two of her own. That would be so, so amazing.
So, in wanting this I have started to stir up a lot of my old worries. What if I can't get pregnant? What if I get pregnant and miscarry (I am at greater risk of that due to my endometriosis and low progesterone)? What if, what if, what if...
I don't want to go down this road again. At least I have some tools in my pocket already. Prayers, yoga, Circle + Bloom, vitamins specific to helping my conditions, a good diet (although I think I need to give up coffee and wine again). I know that if we are lucky again I should get my progesterone level tested right away so I can supplement if needed. All of this SHOULD be of comfort, but I am becoming a ball of stress. Yes, I am back to googling things, too. I need to stop!
My focus right now should be on getting my home purged of unnecessary things for our impending move, finding a house to move to, improving my marriage (thank God, it is getting better everyday!), and soaking up cuddles and laughs with my girl.
I am so scared of secondary infertility and miscarriage, though. So scared.
ahhh, yes. Infertility sucks! Nothing easy about this ride at any stage. Hugs to you my dear.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck! We're neither trying nor preventing either, and I truly don't think we're ready for #2 yet anyway, but it's hard to stop the rabbit hole train of thoughts that comes with having been through the IF journey before. Also, why do the good things always have to go (i.e. wine and coffee) - I mean, why can't someone do a study that shows these things actually HELP!? How great would that be? :)
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