Gentle Eyes and Baklava

Warning: You will probably think I am the most crazy, insecure woman in the world after reading this. I am hoping this level of pathetic-ness passes. Right now I am really, really struggling with our infertility. Especially because it is a result of something wrong with me. I am not even kidding when I say that I think "Catholic guilt" is a real thing. I feel SO guilty even though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Okay. Here it is...

Last night The Bee got home at 10pm. So much for our 8:30 dinner! Oh well!

I ended up texting my Mom before he got home because around 7:30 or so I just broke down into giant, guttural sobs. I decided that The Bee will surely think that I am not worth the effort any more. He can probably find a great girl who will love him AND can have babies, too. I kind of know this is crazy, and I am feeling a little bit better today, but I do have this extreme sense of guilt. Like I am keeping him from something wonderful that he really deserves to have in his life. I know that if roles were reversed, I wouldn't love him any differently. He is the best man I can imagine and I didn't marry him just so I could have his offspring. But roles are not reversed and something that is wrong with my body is stopping us from creating a family together. I also know that when I hear of other couples struggling with infertility I don't think of them as "damaged" or less valuable than fertile people. That just doesn't make sense! So, why, then, do I feel these things about myself?

When he got home I was flopped on the couch with a plate of cold dinner and was talking on the phone to my Mom (who called me after my pathetic text about infertility). I had such a headache from all of the crying! After I was off the phone, he sat down by me and put his arm around me. I told him how sorry I am and that I wish I could fix whatever is wrong with me. I told him that I am sorry that I am the only reason he is not a father yet.

He has these huge, gentle eyes. He is a very handsome man, if I say so myself! Well, he looked at me with those eyes and said, "It really hasn't been very long that I've been ready to be a father. And I only want to be a parent with you. I think we will still have babies. We're not that old and we're finding out what we need to do. A lot of people don't even try to have kids until they are a lot older than us. We have time. We're not behind. I don't feel like we are missing anything yet. And I brought you this..."

Then he handed me a plastic container that I had sent part of his lunch in that morning. Only now there weren't any orange slices in it. It was a little piece of baklava. One of my very favorite indulgences. I've actually only had it once in my life at the most amazing dinner party I have ever been to, but I talk about it a lot when desserts come up. Since he and a bunch of other people were at work so late, the company ordered dinner for them from a Greek restaurant and he thought I'd like to have a piece of the baklava they had for dessert. Of course it made me start crying all over again. Little things like that show that he really thinks I am worth the effort. I hope he doesn't change his mind.