e-mailed the boss! and then freaked out

I e-mailed my principal on Saturday morning letting him know that I am due in January and will need to figure out maternity leave. He sent a very nice reply back and said he'd figure out how much sick leave I have to use towards maternity leave and that we should meet in person to work out the details.

I had a break down yesterday in front of my older sister (she stays at home with her 1.5-year-old and just told me yesterday that baby #2 is due in March). When I was mentioning that I think I have enough sick leave to use for almost 8 weeks paid maternity leave, I started sobbing imagining sending a 2-month-old to a stranger while I finish out the school year. Two years ago, the plan was for my sister to watch our baby while I continued to work full-time. The plan was also to have a baby between the months of May and July (like you can really plan those things, haha!) so I'd have all/part of summer home with them plus whatever time I had accrued in sick leave. Now, we are due in January, smack dab in the middle of the school year, and my sister no longer wants to watch our baby (which she told me a while ago before she knew about baby #2). Now that she is due pretty much right when my 2 months of sick leave will be exhausted, I see how it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. It seemed like a perfect plan, though. She lives nearby. I trust her completely. She would be making some income while still staying at home with her kid(s).

I had a second break down when my husband got home. We've talked about me taking off the rest of the school year (unpaid, of course) but that obviously means we would be making other sacrifices. I'll share something with you that I've never mentioned on my blog before: we live in an apartment. It is a nice one with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, plenty of space for 2 adults and a baby, but we've been longing for a house for a couple of years. Until last summer when my husband got his new job, though, we weren't sure where we wanted to settle down. Now that we are both in jobs that we see ourselves sticking with, we started looking for houses but then my husband's work schedule picked up again (talking 12-16 hour days, ugh) which leaves little time for touring houses. So, last night my husband said, "It might just mean we wait another year for a house." We know we are stuck here until next July at this point because we had to re-sign our lease this month. That I could handle. We like it here and Ponyo won't really be on the move by next summer, anyway. I start to freak out when I imagine being here until July of 2014, though. Two college educated, full-time working, money conscientious adults should be able to afford a baby and a house before the age of 30. Really, though, the college educated part is part of the problem. We both have many student loans. They are our biggest expense every month and we are trying to be aggressive with them so we aren't paying them until we are 85-years-old. Plus, houses in the city are EXPENSIVE. Moving to the suburbs where taxes are substantially less or "out west" like many of our friends have won't work well for us since I work literally IN the Twin Cities and my husband works in the opposite direction (so the Twin Cities are centrally located for both of out commutes).

I am having issues with logic, desires, my heart, life plans...pretty much everything. In an ideal world, I'd be able to teach part-time and my sister would watch Ponyo and we'd buy a house next spring/summer. Now it is looking like we'll be stuck here and I'll be working full-time and sending my child to a stranger for daycare. It will probably be like my entire paycheck just going towards childcare of an infant, too, since I work for a private school and make about half of what public school teachers in the area make. How in the heck do I find balance? We think I can take off 3 months for maternity leave (2 months paid from my sick leave and 1 month unpaid) without any financial hit because my husband plans to take 2 more exams for work this fall which means 2 bonuses and 2 raises upon passing them. That money would be well over what I make in a month of teaching. Then I'd have about 2 months back in school before I'd be home with Ponyo for the summer. But is it worth it to work full-time for 2 months at the end of the year and be paying for childcare?

Sorry for the long, whiny post. I needed to get it off my chest in writing. This was more for personal therapy than for entertainment/fishing for advice. I keep thinking, "In 25 years I won't wish I taught more Art but I WILL regret lost time I could have spent with my son/daughter." and "We can buy a house when we are 50 if it takes that long, but we can't have a baby when we are 50." Ugh. I need to do some yoga, stat.