The Bee has a cousin who is about 5 years older than I am. She and her husband have been married for 10 years and decided back then that they didn't want children. About 2.5 years ago, shortly after The Bee and I started trying to conceive, they also made the decision that they wanted children after all. Things have not been easy for them. I know they have tried clomid and at least one IUI. His cousin will be undergoing ovarian drilling for her PCOS and then they will try naturally for a few months before moving on to IVF.
I felt awful this Christmas when I found out that The Bee's cousin and her husband requested that her family (The Bee's aunt, uncle, 2 other cousins and their husbands and 2 children of said cousins) not spend Christmas with The Bee's family because it would be too hard with 2 babies (my nieces who were both born last summer) and myself (being 8-ish months pregnant) there. I know what it is like to be in those shoes and I hate that I am now a cause of heartache for someone. As if that weren't hard enough, the cousin was fine with the rest of extended family being with them on Christmas and invited The Bee's other aunt and uncle and grandparents (who were already invited by my mother-in-law, as it goes every year). We were specifically excluded. I wish I could remind his cousin that of me and my 3 sisters-in-law, 3 of us has trouble getting pregnant. One of them is currently struggling with secondary infertility (after 2 IUI's last summer, she and her husband are taking a break to focus on their health).
In November, I sent some of my resources to The Bee's cousin via his aunt. I sent my Circle and Bloom CDs, my yoga for increased fertility dvds, and a few books that I thought she might like to look at if she hadn't already. Because I didn't get to talk to her, I sent an e-mail letting her know that these resources helped me while in the time that The Bee and I were ttc (mainly with stress management). I told her that we know how painful it is and that we are so hopeful for them, keeping them in our prayers that their time will be soon.
I am not sure what the point of this post is. I just needed to get it out there. Infertlilty sucks and I wish no one had to experience it. For pregnant infertiles, the pain of infertility lingers and makes pregnancy scarier than it seems for most women who got pregnant easily. Pregnancy can also be a source of guilt...instead of asking "Why them and not me?" the question becomes, "Why me and not these other couples who are still struggling?"
Oh man, that's hard. I'm sorry you had to be excluded. We all know what it's like to be around bellies and babies, but that request seemed like a low blow knowing what you had to go through to get Ponyo. It's too bad that IF couldn't bring you two closer. I know for me, it's ALWAYS different being around pregnant-after-IF'ers than fertiles and I'm sorry that it wasn't this way for Bee's cousin. We have to stick together, because we're all fighting for the same goal! XO
ReplyDeleteWe do all know what it is like to be around babies and bellies. It is really terrible and very difficult. I find myself hiding my belly with my coat or big purse in the waitng room at my clinic (an OB, Gyn, and IF clinic where I still see my doctor who diagnosed my endometriosis) because I remember all too well how painful it was to see and hear pregnant ladies while I waited for another follicle ultrasound or more blood work to figure out what my body was doing. It seems like a catch-22 of sorts...we all want to be pregnant but it is hard to see others be pregnant and if one of us is lucky enough to get pregnant it is hard to share the news because we know it will hurt someone, but we still want it very, very much. I know it sounds elementary and Pollyanna-ish, but I just wish we could ALL have babies and no one would ever have to experience this hardship again.
DeleteI agree with Laura. Too bad it couldn't bring you two closer. But you are doing all you can do. Be supportive, offer to do what you can and give her your understanding. Most importantly - understand. We've all been there and know how much it sucks! Gah- infertility sucks !
ReplyDeleteIt super sucks :( I am trying to be supportive and I think I am understanding...I just feel sort of helpless in this case. I wish I had been able to talk to her or e-mail her about my experience before I was pregnant...I think then it could have brought us together. One of my sisters-in-law tried for 6 years and did multiple rounds of IVF to have my niece and nephew and then got pregnant out of the blue (not trying AT ALL because they were told it would never happen and so they were waiting to do IVF again with their only snowbaby left from the original IVF rounds). Even though I KNEW what she had been through, I felt bad venting/crying to her about what my husband and I were going through. I know a pregnant infertile doesn't feel the same as one of us who is still waiting. It wasn't until my SIL started asking how we were doing that I felt like I could confide in her more. She cried with me more than once, and even though she had 2 toddlers and another baby on the way, I could see that the sting of infertility hadn't really gone away. Even her husband, my brother-in-law, cried with us last Christmas! I will be an open ear for my husband's cousin, for sure! And I DO understand and I CAN relate!
DeleteI'm going to echo the above comments! It would be great if she could keep in mind what you went through to get where you are, but I know everyone handles these things differently and I guess we can't fault them for that. As much as I hated dealing with fertility issues and now grieving a miscarriage, I am at least thankful it has showed me how to be more sensitive with others... hopefully one day she will be on the other side of this and will be able to show that same sensitivity to others the way you have!
ReplyDeleteIt is a very difficult place to be in and it sucks that it has to affect the way the holidays play out in your family. Everyone copes (or doesn't cope) differently and it sounds like you are doing what you can to be of assistance without making it worse. I've got a similar situation with a friend who was very helpful to me as we were going through IVF, but now that we're on the "other side" and she and her husband aren't, it has changed the tone of the friendship a bit. It's sad, and hopefully not permanent, but that's just one more thing that infertility steals I guess.
ReplyDeleteBut on the brighter side, I'm glad you got some good news at your appointment! I'm like you, my hospital bag stuff is all (mostly) sitting in a laundry basket in my bedroom and I keep meaning to put it in an actual bag. Hope you had a nice, quiet Christmas with the Bee and are able to get some more stuff done!
Ugh, what a terrible situation. :( You are one of the most sensitive pregnant infertiles I know...I wish your cousin knew that! :(
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