9 days

I have been absent because I wasn't sure if I should share this with all of you. Or when I should. Out of fear of hurting people I have come to care about even though I have yet to meet any of you in person. Out of concern that I would lose the support and sense of belonging I have come to cherish so much. Out of an overwhelming worry that it might not matter at all in the long run. But I feel like I need to get it out there so I don't feel dishonest or like a phony bologna anymore. You have all been so honest about your journeys and I owe you the same. Infertility sure makes you view what should be happy news in a different way, though.

Nine days ago I expected my period to start. I expected that 7 days ago I would talk to the surgery scheduler and get that important date on the calendar. The day of the surgery that was supposed to make my body work again and give us our first real chance at having a baby.

But nine days ago, my period hadn't started by the afternoon. This is not normal for me. And my cramps felt different. I was doing dishes and thinking about my best friend who announced her pregnancy to me on May 2 and I laughed thinking, "Wouldn't that be something if we had babies around the same time? After all we've been through in this struggle?" It was just a funny thought but I couldn't shake it. So I sneakily took a pregnancy test knowing that my husband would have a hard time not rolling his eyes when I came to him crying, negative test in hand.

But then it said "Pregnant." I began shaking all over. I was thinking, "How is this possible?!" After almost 5 years of unprotected sex, almost 2 years of well timed BD and actively ttc, after 9 months of medical tests and diagnoses...I didn't believe it. I carried it out to my husband who was studying for his next exam and asked, "What do you see on this?" He looked at it and his eyes just got huge. We were utterly confused. The rest of the day was spent getting excited, then terrified and then excited and terrified again.

Eight days ago I bought more pregnancy tests at Target. Just in case the one I took on Saturday was faulty. I got another positive.

Seven days ago I called my doctor. The nurse laughed when I explained the situation, "I am supposed to be scheduling a laparoscopy for next month, but we got a surprise positive pregnancy test on Saturday? What am I supposed to do now?" She told me that because I was not high risk, I didn't need to come in until my first OB appointment in June.

Six days ago I got a call from my doctor saying that I should come in for a blood test to measure my hCG and progesterone, due to my borderline low progesterone in January. I went in that afternoon.

Five days ago I got a message saying that my hCG was good (4115) and my progesterone was adequate (15.6). They said they like to see progesterone between 15 and 20. I called back, worried that my progesterone would not be okay and asked if I should think about supplementing since I was on the low end of normal.

Four days ago they called back and told me my doctor said I could supplement with progesterone if I wanted to, given my "long history of infertility and history of low progesterone." I decided it would be best to do all I can to keep this pregnancy viable. I took another home pregnancy test because I feel so unsure that my body can actually do this.

Three days ago I picked up the progesterone supplements.

Yesterday I cried at Mass when the priest said his blessing for mothers. I cried for myself, and my friend, and my sister-in-law, and all of you. Infertility is a terrible, terrible thing and although I got a positive test, I am still in the thick of it all.

And now I am just hoping and praying that everything will be alright. We are trying to remain cautiously optimistic. Women with endometriosis are at higher risk for miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy so I am very worried. If we aren't lucky enough to have a baby in 9 months, at least my body seems to be working some of its issues out so our chances of having a baby after surgery don't seem so far fetched anymore. We are waiting to tell family until sometime in June after our first appointment. We don't want people to get excited and then find out bad news at the first ultrasound.

So that is where we are! Infertility wins a point again by striking fear into our hearts when we finally got the positive test we have been dreaming about.