Not merit based

I started this post back in January and never finished it. Until now. For some reason I feel like I want to write it now. Okay, I know exactly why I want to write it....in real life more and more people around me seem to be announcing pregnancies lately. So far I have only been truly, 100% happy for two of them (my nice sister-in-law and then just yesterday my BFF who has been trying for 2 years this month!). With the rest of the pregnancies I try to be happy but my overwhelming thought is, "Why them? Why not me?" or on a nice day, "Why not me, too?" 

Back in January one of my facebook friends posted a link to a site called STFU Fertiles. Against my better judgement, I clicked on it. It is pretty much a bunch of women doing what a lot of us do on our blogs: lamenting over the rude pregnant lady they ran into that day, feeling angry about seeing a pregnancy announcement or ultrasound on facebook, questioning why every stupid teenager seems to get pregnant after one sexual encounter, you know, the kind of stuff most of the population isn't even phased by. I haven't been back, though, because many of the women who post there are just very, very angry and do not seem to have any hope. I could relate to some of it, but I am trying so (SO!) hard to stay positive through all of this and reading all of those furious posts put me in a bad mood!

Side story about trying to stay positive: Just last night I started to cry while talking to my husband. I told him that my greatest fears are that either I'll be too damaged to fix with my laparoscopy or they'll do the surgery and everything will seem good but then we still won't be able to get pregnant. My husband just hugged me and said, "It is a physical blockage. They will remove it. It will work. We will have our baby. If you had a car that wasn't working and were bringing it to the shop to be repaired, would you cry and worry about the mechanic not being able to fix it and get it running again?" I said, "No, but human bodies are a lot more complicated than cars." He did have a point, though. I need to trust that my doctor will be a great 'mechanic' and will get all of my parts cleaned up and functioning again. I am lucky to have such a hopeful husband (maybe some of it will rub off on me!).

Okay, back to the STFU Fertiles site...I read this post and, despite some strong language, I thought it had some good content:

 

Trophy Child 

I was just reading another blog and one of the posters referred to her new pregnancy as a "fuck trophy." I get that she's trying not to be an entitlement parent who reveres the child as the second coming; but this is FAIL. If you don't appreciate your "trophy," why don't you give it up to someone who will?

If anyone used that term in front of me, I would let them have it with both barrels. It is a supremely insulting and dismissive way to refer to a child. I keep trying to see the humor in the term and failing. For those of us who would do anything to be awarded, "the fuck trophy," as she put it, it's extremely aggravating to see a pregnancy dismissed so thoughtlessly.

Here's a clue, honey. You didn't get pregnant because you did something right that deserved an award, (as a trophy would imply), you didn't get pregnant because your love is so special and magical. You got lucky. Whether you appreciate it or not, you got lucky. That's why pregnancy is called a gift, not an award, because it isn't merit-based, or deserved, or earned. It's given. Appreciate what you've been given, because many people aren't given what you have. Many people do have to earn it or buy it, with monitoring, and charting, and proving their worth to a social worker, and spending money like water. And, newsflash, they don't refer to it nearly as dismissively because they appreciate what they went through to get it. 
source: http://stfuferts.blogspot.com/2011/09/trophy-child.html


The last paragraph of the "Trophy Child" post struck a chord with me. Again and again I have questioned whether something I did put me here. Did I eat too much soy? Did I drink too much caffeine? Was I not careful enough in college when I used oil paint that contained lead or when I took traditional photography and used lots of yucky developing chemicals? Can I not get pregnant because I don't deserve to? Is it because of that time when I was seven and I lied about eating the caramel off of the pineapple-upside down cake my Mom made? Can I not get pregnant because I let myself get worked up over stupid things? Do I not exercise enough? Can I not have a baby because I won't be a good enough mother? This Trophy Child post made me realize, "Hey, I didn't DO anything to deserve infertility." No more than anyone else DID anything to be blessed with a natural pregnancy and child. They don't deserve it more. They didn't earn it by being smarter, more qualified for parenting, or having a kinder soul.

Ladies, when our times come (AND THEY WILL) we will appreciate what we are given and what we have worked for and what we have hoped for for so long.