I'm trying

I've been trying to be more positive. I've been trying to let things roll off of my back. I've been trying to give the benefit of the doubt to friends, relatives, and acquaintances when they say things that I react sensitively to. I am trying to remember that others having babies doesn't mean there are fewer babies for The Bee and me. I am trying to remember what my Grandma said to me (was that really just 2 days ago?!) and not give up on something that is just starting.

But I am struggling.

A lot.

I tend to ruminate. I am the queen of rumination, actually. I get stuck on something that happened or something someone said and I let it eat away at me, turning my heart black. So I am coming here to vent, hoping that telling you will get it out of my heart and off of my chest.

Vent session 1: A while ago a former co-worker of mine stopped by for a visit. The past couple of summers we took trips with a few other co-workers. Just fun girl time. The former co-worker has a one-year-old. One of the other girls had a baby last month. The third is due in 3 weeks. So, this former co-worker says, "It will be so fun this summer! All of us together on a trip with all the babies!" I was caught off guard and responded, "Oh, I am not sure I'll be able to go this year. The Bee and I are planning a trip with some friends and it is that same month. Since I'm the only one with the summer off I feel like I need to accommodate everyone else's schedules." While all of what I said IS true, really I wanted to say, "Hey! Remember me? The friend who was supposed to have a baby right after you? A vacation with you sounds like the worst way to spend my summer!"

Vent session 2: We got an invitation for the first birthday party of a kid of some of our friends. I hosted a co-ed baby shower for the couple last spring. I have met the kid once. The Bee has never met their child. After I offered to host the shower another common friend of ours (who knows the mother better than I do) disclosed that this couple had previously had 2 abortions. I know people do desperate things sometimes. People make decisions based on what they think is best at the time. I am not mad at this friend and I know it is not my place to judge them. However, it hurts my heart knowing that they got pregnant the EXACT month The Bee and I started trying. They announced their pregnancy 2 weeks after their wedding. And we are still not pregnant. And they could have had 3 wonderful kids already if they had chosen differently.

Vent session 3: One of my pregnant sisters-in-law found out the gender of her baby this week. It is a girl. And she has always wanted a girl. The only reason she wanted another child was to have a girl (she has 2 much older sons). This is the sister-in-law who didn't even tell us she was pregnant. We found out on facebook. This is the sister-in-law of the 12 pregnant ladies and ultra-sound conversation. And how did we find out it was a girl? Facebook. I am not even subscribed to her or her husband anymore. I found out from 2 other sisters-in-law and another brother-in-law who wrote statuses about getting the call and finding out they were going to be aunts/uncle to a new little niece.

All of this sounds petty in writing. I know I am being whiny. I know I sound cold hearted. It makes it hard to be cheerful and hopeful and happy about all of the wonderful things present in my life when there are constant reminders of what is still missing. But I'll keep trying. I'll listen to Soulful Strut and Fitz and the Tantrums and all those '90s gems ALL NIGHT. And I'll keep this rosary safely tucked in my pocket where I can reach it when everything feels too heavy and dark.