Thank you, everyone:)

Thank you all for your advice and input. This was yet another example of me overreacting about something that most mature adults wouldn't bat and eye at. It seems that infertility has made me even more anxious than I used to be about everything in the world.

After playing phone tag, my nice sister-in-law called and we actually connected. Sounds like she and my third sister-in-law already have the date set and it is in mid-May (so being a bloated, post-surgery me wouldn't be a problem). She was very kind (truly, don't know why I was afraid to talk to her) and let me know the date, asked if I'd want to help (she prefaced it with "as much or as little as you'd like and we don't want you to feel obligated"), and then asked if I thought I was open that day. I am a horrendous liar and also hate to make people upset so I thanked her for offering to include me but said that I didn't think I could help given everything we are dealing with right now. I also said I would talk to The Bee to see if there were any plans that day but that a friend of ours was trying to re-schedule her twins' birthday party from the second weekend in May due to an outbreak of chicken pox (which is 100% true). She didn't push and just replied, "I can understand that. How have you been?" See? She is so nice!

So...at this point I am not helping with it but haven't actually said no to attending (wishy-washy much?). The Bee said we could schedule something else and if I felt bad about not going, he would drive me to the shower to drop off the gift and say "hi" and then we could be on our way to whatever we scheduled (i.e. hopefully the re-scheduled b-day party so I don't have to fib/feel like a mean person who can't handle happy things).

Thank you again for your comments. You all calmed me down today and Infertile625, you made me laugh with your "crazy pants sister-in-law" comment:)

Last week

Here's a quick summary of last week:

1. I read lots of blogs.

2. I finished a painting (the first one of the year!).

3. My last pregnant co-worker had her baby.

4. On the same day that my co-worker gave birth, my Circle + Bloom CDs arrived (God must have been looking out for me!). I haven't listened to them yet, but might start tonight.

5. I felt capable of shopping for my sister-in-law who is due in August. I think I chose a great gift and now I don't have to think about it anymore!

6. I babysat my nephew.

7. I went to a concert.

8. I got my hair colored and cut (even got side bangs!).

9. I visited my Mom.

10. I did a high school senior's hair for prom (oh, how simple things were at ages 17/18!).

11. I went out for Mexican food.

12. I got a phone call from my other pregnant sister-in-law, due in July (the nicest one), asking me to call her about shower dates for the one due in August. I talked to The Bee and I decided I am not going because:
a.) I am no mental state to brave another baby shower, at least until after my surgery
b.) If it is in June or early July, I'll be a mess FROM the surgery
c.) The sister-in-law due in August has been uncaring/rude/insensitive (as I have mentioned a billion times, the facebook stuff and the pregnancy conversations...I know I should probably buck up, but I have been bucking up for so long that I am exhausted and don't want to give my time and energy to negative people)
d.) It is not her first baby
e.) I am very tired of forced "fun" and
f.) I don't want to go

I think it is better to not go than it would be to start crying at the shower, yes? I do feel guilty for feeling this way. I mean, I truly believe that every baby is a blessing and deserves to be celebrated but I don't feel like I need to be there. And I will send a nice gift. I called my nice sister-in-law back intending to say, "Thanks for thinking of me when choosing the date, but I am afraid I won't be attending. I have decided not to attend any showers until after my surgery as a means of self preservation." Unfortunately, I got her voicemail.

Since I have some time now to really think of a way to decline the invitation...do any of you have advice as to what I can say without sounding like a horrible person? If it were you, would you go? I'd love your insight!

NIAW

Today I finally felt like I could write our ttc history in one chronological list! It is up there under the tab "Our Journey So Far." I am amazed at how often I think about our infertility despite not having had an appointment since January. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) I feel like my infertility is the biggest part of me.

I look forward to reading all of the posts written for National Infertility Awareness Week, which starts today! I am truly grateful for all of the honest and wise words so many of you write on your blogs each day!

Just tell Him!

Today in class, one of my first graders asked me, out the the blue, "Mrs. Bird, do you want kids?"

I paused, smiled and said, "I sure do!" and then (to preserve my sanity and prevent more questions) added, "Someday!"

She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Well, tell God!"

I laughed and asked, "And then what will happen?"

Her response: "God will make your belly bigger and put a baby in there! Just tell Him!"

So, I told Him. And now here it is in writing:

God, I really want a baby. I am ready! I know my husband will be an amazing father and I'll do my best as a mother. Please, make my belly bigger and put a baby in there.

I'm trying

I've been trying to be more positive. I've been trying to let things roll off of my back. I've been trying to give the benefit of the doubt to friends, relatives, and acquaintances when they say things that I react sensitively to. I am trying to remember that others having babies doesn't mean there are fewer babies for The Bee and me. I am trying to remember what my Grandma said to me (was that really just 2 days ago?!) and not give up on something that is just starting.

But I am struggling.

A lot.

I tend to ruminate. I am the queen of rumination, actually. I get stuck on something that happened or something someone said and I let it eat away at me, turning my heart black. So I am coming here to vent, hoping that telling you will get it out of my heart and off of my chest.

Vent session 1: A while ago a former co-worker of mine stopped by for a visit. The past couple of summers we took trips with a few other co-workers. Just fun girl time. The former co-worker has a one-year-old. One of the other girls had a baby last month. The third is due in 3 weeks. So, this former co-worker says, "It will be so fun this summer! All of us together on a trip with all the babies!" I was caught off guard and responded, "Oh, I am not sure I'll be able to go this year. The Bee and I are planning a trip with some friends and it is that same month. Since I'm the only one with the summer off I feel like I need to accommodate everyone else's schedules." While all of what I said IS true, really I wanted to say, "Hey! Remember me? The friend who was supposed to have a baby right after you? A vacation with you sounds like the worst way to spend my summer!"

Vent session 2: We got an invitation for the first birthday party of a kid of some of our friends. I hosted a co-ed baby shower for the couple last spring. I have met the kid once. The Bee has never met their child. After I offered to host the shower another common friend of ours (who knows the mother better than I do) disclosed that this couple had previously had 2 abortions. I know people do desperate things sometimes. People make decisions based on what they think is best at the time. I am not mad at this friend and I know it is not my place to judge them. However, it hurts my heart knowing that they got pregnant the EXACT month The Bee and I started trying. They announced their pregnancy 2 weeks after their wedding. And we are still not pregnant. And they could have had 3 wonderful kids already if they had chosen differently.

Vent session 3: One of my pregnant sisters-in-law found out the gender of her baby this week. It is a girl. And she has always wanted a girl. The only reason she wanted another child was to have a girl (she has 2 much older sons). This is the sister-in-law who didn't even tell us she was pregnant. We found out on facebook. This is the sister-in-law of the 12 pregnant ladies and ultra-sound conversation. And how did we find out it was a girl? Facebook. I am not even subscribed to her or her husband anymore. I found out from 2 other sisters-in-law and another brother-in-law who wrote statuses about getting the call and finding out they were going to be aunts/uncle to a new little niece.

All of this sounds petty in writing. I know I am being whiny. I know I sound cold hearted. It makes it hard to be cheerful and hopeful and happy about all of the wonderful things present in my life when there are constant reminders of what is still missing. But I'll keep trying. I'll listen to Soulful Strut and Fitz and the Tantrums and all those '90s gems ALL NIGHT. And I'll keep this rosary safely tucked in my pocket where I can reach it when everything feels too heavy and dark.

In the meantime...

AF arrived April 7 (which made my last cycle 28 days long!). I should only have my period twice more before my surgery! Until then I am just biding my time and trying to enjoy the spring. I am not a very patient person, however, so I am doing some things to help me feel like I am not just being passive and wasting time. Here are some of the things that are helping me survive until June!

01. I got a new matching set from Victoria's Secret. Super fancy and girly compared to what I normally wear. That is NOT me in the picture, just so you know! Hahaha! The Bee believes that everyone is in a better mood when they wear matching sets of things and it is still working for me! If you are feeling down, maybe it is time for a new bra and underwear set :) I don't mean to belittle anyone's sorrow by saying new underpants will erase sadness or hardship, but when you look good, you feel at least BETTER if not actually good.

02. I am leaving the prenatal vitamins in the cupboard until I get my BFP! For now I am taking a combination of other vitamins including this Stress-B Complex which includes B9 (folic acid) as well as 7 other B-vitamins. B-vitamins are supposed to help with one's sense of well-being, have been known to help regulate menstrual cycles, and also:

• Help convert food into energy
• Help support immune system health
• Help maintain nervous system health
• Protect against damaging free radicals

03. I am eating tons of leafy green veggies (especially broccoli, kale, and spinach) which are thought to help rid the body of excess estrogens. I am also eating chia seeds (yep...the things that you grow on Chia Pets!), which are an excellent source of Omega-3 fatty acids. And I am being really serious about eating NO gluten! My stomach is so much happier for it and I hope my healthy eating pays off in more ways than one! I am still struggling with my weight, though, and hope to gain at least 6 pounds by my surgery!

04. I am listening to music that makes me happy. Right now Fitz and the Tantrums (pictured above) is my #1 musical love! Also in the mix: Aloe Blacc, Raphael Saadiq, Amy Winehouse, and the '90s Music Choice channel (because I know ALL the words!). Also, I often have the song Soulful Strut playing on repeat:

Be honest...can you feel down in the dumps after that tune?! If you said, "Yes, I am still down in the dumps," then you need to strut around the room soulfully while listening to it again. I can guarantee it will make you feel at least a little better :)

What do you do to mange the stress of infertility when you are waiting for the next step?

Only the beginning

Yesterday we saw my Mom's family for Easter. We were at my Grandma's and it was easy to be in good spirits for most of the celebration. My Grandma prepared a vegetarian, gluten free dish just for me which was very kind and made me feel loved and looked after. We visited with my relatives, Skyped with my sister who is studying abroad for the semester, and cuddled with my Grandma's dogs.

Then, near the end of the party, an overwhelming sadness came over me. Most of the guests had already left so thankfully it wasn't embarrassing. Only The Bee, my Mom, my Grandma and I remained. My Grandma asked, "What are all of these tears for? Are you nervous about your surgery in June?" I could only nod because I had a big knot in my throat. She gave me a hug and told me to stop writing the end to a story that is only beginning. She asked if I prayed. I said, "Yes" and she asked, "To who?" I responded, "I say the Our Father, Hail Mary and pray to St. Gerard daily." Then she took something out of her pocket and closed my hand around it.

It is a rosary that she got in Rome several years ago. It was blessed by Pope John Paul II while she was there. She told me that she carries a rosary with her everywhere. "Even if you aren't praying it, you need to keep this with you. And please know that God knows your desires without all of these tears and worries. Worrying won't help. Enjoying life will. You are a young, bright woman with a wonderful husband who loves you. Your life is good. After your surgery, you won't be able to turn the babies off! So please don't cry. This is only the beginning."