Last winter when I was feeling particularly low, Amanda wrote this quote in a comment:
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Boy, did that ever strike a chord with me! It is so true!
I have thought about this post many times, and even tried to start it a few, but never succeeded.
Infertility is also the thief of joy.
Before we found out about Ponyo, infertility threatened to take over my entire life. It found a way into every part of my being: work, home, time with family and friends, Mass, shopping...you name the place/time and the sting and hopelessness of infertility had found me there.
After getting the surprise positive test, infertility stole the joy out of the moment. I questioned whether the test was accurate. Could my body even get pregnant? If I did conceive, could my body sustain a pregnancy? Is my body capable of producing healthy eggs? What would I do if I had a miscarriage? Now I am 18 weeks and I still worry with each ache and pain, feeling like this is all too good to be true. We tried to stay cautious and not get too attached until we made it through the first trimester (I know that sounds terrible, but I am trying to be honest). We knew that we failed miserably at staying detached when I had spotting at 10 weeks and we thought we were losing our baby. We had never been so afraid or sad as that night. We are completely in love with this little one who we have never met and terrified of losing her or him even though everything seems to be going smoothly.
Then comes the guilt. I had read about this on other blogs, where subfertiles got pregnant (either on their own or with assistance, doesn't seem to matter) and they are excited, thrilled, happy, but then there is a part of them that questions, "Why me? Why are these other women who have been suffering in the same way still waiting?" I want to be clear, this is not pity. I just know that I am not more qualified, I will not be a better mother, I did not do anything to deserve this baby. Am I happy about Ponyo? Of course! Am I excited for January? Certainly! But I still relate to all of the posts about getting your period, about the hurt that comes from facebook pregnancy posts, another round of tests and ultrasounds to find out what in the world is going on inside of your body, insensitive comments from people who think they are being helpful...
For those of you still waiting, I pray for you daily.
I would like to know, how do you feel when other bloggers achieve the goal we all share? When I was still waiting, most blogger pregnancy announcements gave me hope but, I hate to admit this, some made me really sad for myself and where I was in our journey. The uncertainty of if and when is so painful. How do you think you will feel when you get your positive test?
For those of you expecting, I pray for you, too. Do you think infertility has changed your experience as a pregnant woman?
Great post! I agree that I like to read about people who have been in my shoes and ended up successful because they give me hope, but yes, it is still hard and still a reminder of our own lack of success. I think you do a really good job of celebrating your joy without seeming like you are gloating, and I really appreciate that, because that's not always true for infertile people that end up pregnant... so thank you!
ReplyDeleteVery insightful post! To answer your question, I have no idea how I'll feel when I get a positive test. I've imagined it so, so many times before. I don't do it too much anymore. I just can't picture it. Do I think it will happen? I guess so. I'm just not as sure now. It used to feel like a matter of time, now it seems so far-fetched (after this long)that I almost can't imagine it anymore.
ReplyDeleteI personally have more trouble with the big clusters of bloggers that get their BFPs at the same time. Then it seems like everyone just stops posting (I'm sure out of guilt, fear, etc etc) and it makes me feel like I lost bunch of friends at once...ya know? Like you feel you have to run out and find new blogs to read because everyone vanished. It's a tough spot to be, I'm sure, but I've never been on that side of things.
Such a nice post :) I have to admit there are certain times that I don't read the blogs of those who have *FINALLY* gotten pregnant. Certain times of the month, when I am really down or I have just found out "real life" friends are pregnant, I just can't handle it. But then there are other times, when I feel hopeful! I read about how everything CAN go right, and I feel like at some point that could happen for us. Because I have had a miscarriage before, I feel like history will be my thief WHEN I finally get that positive pregnancy test. Darn history. Thanks for such a beautiful post and remembering the road all of us are on; a lot of bloggers don't continue to write this way once they are pregnant. :)
ReplyDeleteI think IF has certainly changed this pregnancy for me. I was ecstatic with my positive but it wasn't the surprise like a lot of people get. Since everything had been planned out for me the surprise element was gone. Then it was gosh we are so excited but we can't tell a lot of people because who knows if it will last. Looking back, I probably told more people than necessary at the beginning but at the same time the people I told knew the whole story. Now even at 19 weeks I wake up with a cramp and I start to freak silently because I don't want to be an overreactor but at the same time I am scared. I know that I truly won't be able to relax even though things are looking good until I hold our little peanut in my arms.
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